10 Reasons Why

20 Random Thoughts While Desperately Cleaning The House Before Guests Arrive

Clean House


1. “We are apparently complete and total pigs. Is that peanut butter on the ceiling?”

2. “Cleaning bathroom floors takes a certain will to live.”

3. “It’s really sad when your ‘hide everything in here for now’ drawer progresses to two drawers, then a closet, then the guest bedroom, then your own bedroom, and finally, the saddest place of all, the garage. Because once something goes in there, you will never see it again until you move.”

4. “I can’t confirm what happened on this kitchen floor here, but it looks like David Hasselhoff couldn’t control another cheeseburger.”

5. “Oh, there’s that bill that I swore I never got. Hmmm. Guess I shouldn’t have had that account rep fired.”

6. “I‘m never going in that closet again. I could have died.”

7. “That’s not a dust bunny. That’s a WMD.”

8. “Good, God. Is that really an 8-track player? Right there. Next to the macramé owl, the plaid bell-bottoms, and Jimmy Hoffa.”

9. “Clearly, the concept of cleanliness in this house runs from ‘everything in its place’ to ‘just drop it right here, I‘m done with it’.”

10. “Perhaps it’s better not to know how the underwear got in the toaster oven.”

11. “I would have chosen a totally different career path if someone had sat me down as a youngster and said ‘Cleaning house really, really sucks. Pay more attention in school and make enough money to hire a staff.’”

12. “There’s enough cat toys under this couch to defend a small country.”

13. “Why is there a 30-foot extension cord under this bed? What kind of vibrator needs that much mobility? Does it come with a roll bar?”

14. “That is not a giant pile of dirty laundry. It’s a thoughtful landing pad for falling space debris. Always be prepared.”

15. “Surely the headline on that dusty stack of newspapers does not say Oklahoma Joins the Union!.”

16. “Why am I always finding long hair that doesn’t match any of the known occupants of this house? Is there somebody here that I’ve forgotten about?”

17. “I think something in the fridge has come back to life. I can hear whispering and tiny hammering.”

18. “I wholeheartedly affirm that one day I will tend to the ancient stack of porn magazines in the special drawer. Just not today, it’s too soon.”

19. “Furthermore, I solemnly swear to one day sweep off the patio. There are leaves out there that fell when the Mayflower bumped into Plymouth Rock.”

20. “And finally, I promise to never let the house get this bad again. Ever. But I know that promise is an empty lie, as do the guests just now knocking on the front door, pulling cobwebs from their hair and standing in total darkness because the porch light has been burned out since the first moon landing…”

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