10 Reasons Why

10 Reasons Why the Dallas Auto Show Is Just Like Real Life

10 Reasons Dallas Auto Show

1. People still don’t know how to dress in public.

Granted, we’re not talking about the red carpet on Oscar Night. But come on, folks, there are some decency rules that you need to follow. Spandex has never been recognized as appropriate social attire. Sandals should never be worn while it’s still winter, I don’t care WHERE you live. And for God’s sake, what is this obsession with leaving the underwear at home?

2. People are far too obsessed with things that don’t really matter.

Have you BEEN to an auto show? It’s quite astonishing, really. First, we have hordes of people lined up before the doors even open. Massive crowds. (Sadly, you never see this much of the populace as excited about more important things, like presidential elections and city council meetings, but I digress.) There they are, whipping themselves into a frenzy as the clock ticks.

Once the doors are open, they stampede across the floor of the local convention center, knocking over the elderly and those irritating women asking you to sign up for a drawing that you will never win. They descend on the ticket booths, clawing and fighting to obtain entrance into the inner sanctum where cars they can’t afford are waiting to tempt them anyway.

  3. People will take pictures of ANYTHING.

Everywhere you look, there are sweaty people documenting the vehicles they encounter. I can somewhat understand a quick snapshot of a car or two that you find interesting. What I don’t get are the people with actual camcorders, making lengthy travelogues with a full audio soundtrack, featuring every auto that they come across. They will spend twenty minutes just panning back and forth over an engine while they vocalize every single wire and connection.

Who is going to be interested in this video, Quentin? The only people who might survive a showing of your cinematic idolatry without going into a coma are already at the auto show and they’ve already seen the same thing. You’re wasting your time. Unless, of course, you’re creating some type of automotive porn that you can peruse during personal time. If so, I don’t really need to hear any more on the subject.

  4. It is not necessarily a good idea to take your three-year-old everywhere you go.

Little Suzy DOES NOT CARE about the cars. Why did you bring her here? She only has a vague concept of automotive transportation. If there’s any connection, she considers a “car” to be “that place where Mommy and Daddy strap me into the hell-device that prevents me from bouncing around the car like I want to do.” She has little interest in reviewing other torture chambers.

These children get bored very quickly. Before you know it, the miniscule minions of Satan are racing all over the place, completely unsupervised, while their dim-witted parents contemplate the seat fabric options of cars that they will never think about again. The unruly urchins are now dangerous pinballs in the arcade game of Life. You don’t know what target they are going to hit.

Of course, there’s eventually an incident wherein one of the urchins is accidentally tripped by an otherwise innocent show attendee who has wisely left his own rambunctious children at home. Harsh words are exchanged, and we end up with the responsible citizens of society having to apologize for inadvertently causing minor harm to the offspring of lazy and useless people.

Sound familiar?

  5. People have no manners whatsoever.

What happened to common courtesy? If there is clearly a line of acolytes properly queued up for their chance at sitting in one of the shiny vehicles, why do some people think it’s acceptable to come barreling up and launch their rude ass into the confines of the car, cutting ahead of the decent folk? Do you really NOT see these people standing in line? More importantly, how is it that you have a driver’s license? Because you’ve just shown that you have no right to be on the road.

On a lesser note, if I happen to be in the driver’s seat of a product model, and you hop into the passenger seat, I really don’t need to know your life story. This temporary association does not make us friends. I’m not invested in the members of your family that are going through physical and/or emotional trauma. Just shut up, and inspect the glove box on your side in total silence.

  6. There is still a fundamental belief in our society that large breasts will entice men to do anything.

Do I really need to go into this? You know what I mean. I’m talking about the “spokes-models” subtly humping the cars that they are talking about as the platform spins in a circle. Half the men in the audience have no idea what model of car has inspired her to consummate a metallic relationship. They are much more intrigued with how long it will take before the sheer laws of gravity will result in a fantasy-fueling wardrobe malfunction.

  7. Some people have really crappy jobs.

For the non-endowed women and men who have been hired to shill the cars, the going is a lot less life-affirming. They might draw a crowd here and there if the planets align and the bathroom lines are too long, but for the most part their energy is wasted. No one is paying any attention as they spew statistics into the microphone as fast as they can so they can be done with the gig.

And of course, there’s always the threat that they will be physically taken down by some unregulated child who has inherited their parents’ lack of responsibility and morality, leaping onto the stage and creating havoc as they plunder and tear at the fabric of society. I hope these models are receiving combat pay of some kind.

  8. Some people just have too much money.

There are automobiles on display that cost 150,000 dollars? Seriously? If you’ve got THAT kind of money, your ass isn’t going to be at a common-folk auto show. You’re going to be in the south of France, on a yacht, barking into your designer iPhone and instructing underlings to go buy the damn car FOR you.

  9. In a moment of frenzy, people will touch anything.

This kills me. When given free reign, the average citizen will fondle and manipulate every single possible item in a car that they never intend to buy. Why do they have to twist and turn every dial, punch every button on the dashboard, open and close the hatchback 27 times, and adjust the seats into a position that couldn’t accommodate any known human being on the planet? What is WRONG with you? Leave stuff alone. Go find your kid that just scratched the paintjob on a perfectly-restored vintage car by running her “Hello Kitty” lunch box down the side of it.

  10. Some people have never mastered the art of hygiene.

I’m at a loss on this point. People will actually leave the house without brushing their teeth, scraping away what must be sulfuric acid deposits in their armpits, or attending to open sores that are in need of medical attention. How did we come to this? Where did these people go to school? WHAT happened in their lives to make them think this was okay?

Then again, all things considered, it was a very pleasant day at the convention center in downtown Dallas. Mainly because I survived. And I’m sure we’ll go back next year. After all, I’d like to find out how many of the spokes-people are now in prison for reaching the breaking point and stabbing to death some fool that would NOT shut up during the presentation. I’m betting on a high percentage….

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