I understand that some of our fellow travelers don’t quite grasp the instructional signage they may encounter whilst driving to their therapist. Let me help you out with that.

1. YIELD

This means that you are not the priority in this situation. Other people temporarily have more authority, and you must bow down to their needs. Just because you think you have a cuter car or a prettier outfit, you can’t ignore the laws of this particular jungle. Slow down, carefully review your surroundings, and let everyone else do what they need to do. Then you may cautiously attempt to proceed. However, if you see another car coming in the higher-priority lane, then hit the break again. Do not try darting maneuvers or pretend that you have vision issues. We know you see us.

2. MERGE

This means you need to get into a different lane. Your lane is no longer an important one, and is about to no longer even be a lane. Find the lane that still has the blessing of traffic engineers, and head that way. There should be additional helpful signs that can assist you with your decision (if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that the signs gave you a heads up two miles back). But if you’re still having trouble, look for the lane that has the most people. That’s probably the right one. Unless the rest of your family is out driving as well.

3. STOP

Do whatever it takes to make your vehicle quit moving. Now.

4.  →

I can understand how you might be a little confused over this one. There aren’t any words, pictures or sock puppets to help you out. This symbol is telling you that you should head to the right. It does not mean you should come to a complete stop. (That would be a different sign. See previous entry.) Don’t sit there idling in your car, filled with bewilderment and functional failure. Go to the right, Carol Anne.

Oh, and this little sign has a cousin that looks like this:  ← . This means drive to the left. See how this works? Seriously, you can get this, if you just focus hard enough.

5. SPEED LIMIT 65 MPH

This is not a suggestion. It’s a rule. That little pointer thing in the round thing on your dashboard thing? You know, the one with numbers? The little pointer should not go higher than 65. (“Higher” means the bigger numbers. The pointer shouldn’t touch those.) You don’t pay my insurance premiums. Therefore, you don’t have the right to force me to USE my insurance because your stupidity ran me off the road when you were late for your court appearance.

6. NO HAND-HELD PHONE USAGE IN SCHOOL ZONE

That thing clutching the phone you’re talking on? That’s your hand. The phone should not be there when you’re driving near large groups of children exiting a building. Put it down. And stop breeding.

7. ONE WAY

Okay, concentrate on this one. All those people coming toward you, filling up all the lanes? None of them are going the wrong way. You are.

8. RIGHT-TURN ONLY

If you are in this lane, you have to turn toward the right at the appropriate moment. You are not authorized to ignore this directive and drive straight through the intersection, forcing everyone else to make sudden reactionary adjustments. The rest of the world should not have to compensate for your inability to plan or pay attention.

9. EXIT ONLY

This means that you should not be coming into the parking lot at this particular junction. This is a portal for people to leave the parking lot, because they are done doing whatever and they want to get away before people like you show up. But because you weren’t reading the signs (probably because you were listening to Rush Limbaugh and he doesn’t want you to read anything or his show would fail), you are now confronted with a long line of cars trying to go your direction.

And this here train is not going to magically get out of your way, there are too many of us and therefore we trump this situation, so you need to take some action. Stop sitting there like a challenged farm animal, blinking at us in utter vapidity and uselessness. Back you ass up, and try to find the actual entrance. Or just drive to the nearest police department and turn yourself in.

10. COMPACT CARS ONLY

What THIS means, Bertha, is that there are size limitations on what can be placed between the two white lines on both sides of this sign. To help you out a little bit, the compact-car category does not include any of the following: Cadillacs that are longer than your average city block, two-ton pickups that have been purchased because somebody in the family is trying to compensate for a diminutive penis, or any version of those damn Hummers that shouldn’t be on public roads in the first place. (Why in the world would you need to drive a military-grade vehicle? Are you planning to invade another country for political reasons? If not, then you don’t need that thing. Sell it and send several of your children to college instead.)

Oh, and one last note: If you truly don’t know how to read, you shouldn’t be behind the wheel. I understand that we do have something of a problem with illiteracy in this country, which is tragic and entirely avoidable. But if you’ve managed to snag a driver’s license, you were able to read something somewhere along the line, so you really can’t use that as an excuse. Which means that you have other issues that are causing your ineptitude as a friendly driver, and perhaps you should look into the wonderful world of public transportation options. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 07/16/10)