10 Reasons Why

50 Startling Epitaphs in the Bonnywood Manor Graveyard

10 Reasons Epitaphs

Note: Bestie Tiffany and I ingested a few Reese’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups and loopiness ensued as we envisioned interesting headstones one might encounter in a cemetery…

1. “The wi-fi really sucks in here.”

2. “I didn’t realize you were THAT invested in watching the Super Bowl.”

3. “Guess I didn’t need to save those vacation days after all.”

4. “Well, at least I won’t have to eat any more of that dried-out turkey at the Thanksgiving family reunion.”

5. “Anybody up for a beer run?”

6. “About that eating raw fish thing…”

7. “That idiot two plots over has a really bad attitude.”

8. “When they said ‘no parking on the dance floor’, I guess they really meant it.”

9. “Mama said there’d be days like this.”

10. “I am away from my computer right now.”

11. “Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.”

12. “BRB. LOL.”

13. “Do you have a light?”

14. “Red really does mean stop.”

15. “It hurts when you stick the flowers in the ground.”

16. “Who in the world thought I wanted pink satin in here?”

17. “I think I left the iron on.”

18. “Don’t pick door number three. Trust me.”

19. “Anne Rice got a few things wrong.”

20. “Vodka and a game of Twister. Enough said.”

21. “Should have gone with the cash option on that lottery ticket.”

22. “My son stepped on a crack…”

23. “Most accidents really do occur in the home.”

24. “Damn waterbed.”

25. “Oh, what a relief it is.”

26. “I told you I didn’t need the extended warranty.”

27. “Gas bubble my ass.”

28. “Was this one of those hidden fees?”

29. “Does my butt look big in this?”

30. “Searching for signal.”

31. “Flew like an eagle. To the sea.”

32. “I guess you found out that I wasn’t really working late.”

33. “Pop Rocks kill. (Hey, Mikey.)”

34. “The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”

35. “I knew you’d show up sooner or later, you bitch.”

36. “Why did you put all that crap in my casket?”

37. “My back itches.”

38. “I took notes at the funeral. Did you really think that was an appropriate outfit?”

39. “You TOLD me this wouldn’t HAPPEN.”

40. “Does this come with fries?”

41. “Looks like that one child can start to carry on, carry on.”

42. “But I still have crops to harvest in Farmville!’

43. “Cuidado! Piso mojado.”

44. “Where are my pants?”

45. “One million two hundred seventy thousand beers on the wall…”

46. “Room for rent. Inquire within.”

47. “And yet they let Rush Limbaugh keep living.”

48. “Yes, I ordered the pizza. There’s some money in the flower pot on the right.”

49. “Hey! What’s down THAT road?”

50. “Better luck next time.”


(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/03/10.)

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