Let us all praise the modern technology that resulted in the magnificent plastic combination of a fork and a spoon. So many, many ways to pass your time with such a creation…
1. Pretend the spork is a microphone and act like you are Cher in the seventh year of her Farewell Tour.
Hold it just like she used to hold those odd, skinny microphones back when she and Sonny had that TV show and Chastity would come out at the end and stare at the cameras blankly, completely bored. Tromp around the stage like you’re not really invested in it, because you’ve hired so many backup dancers that no one will even notice if you’re moving or not. You don’t have to sing all the words because the audience is singing them for you anyway. Flirt with the queens in the front row, because they’re always there and they will always buy your next album. Oh, and get plastic surgery. We’re going for realism here.
2. Pretend that the spork is a violent, blood-dripping weapon that you intend to use on a co-worker that has dissatisfied you in some way.
Race into your neighbor’s cube while waving the spork maniacally over your head. (If you can arrange for a struggling musician to perform the soundtrack from “Psycho” by sawing on an outdated printer that no one ever uses, your crazed entrance will be even more exciting.) Holler made-up words at your startled cube-mate, and then throw their stapler on the floor and kick at it, screaming “Satan’s teeth must die!” (Procedural Note: Make sure that your intended victim is not an atheist, or the Satan references will not have the intended emotional impact.)
If you do this with enough conviction, your co-worker just might take you seriously and their reaction will change from irritation to slight fear, nervously glancing about for someone to make you stop. Suddenly lunge toward your former friend and viciously stab the spork into their desk at just the right angle so the business end will snap off and fly through the air, narrowly missing their tender, gulping neck. Then quietly whisper: “I told you not to take my parking space.” Calmly walk away. (Be sure to tip the musician on your way out, it’s the right thing to do.)
3. Pretend that the spork is a medieval launching device.
Take the spork to your next family gathering, preferably one where everyone else is trying to watch a supposedly-important football game, huddled around the TV and drinking beer. Grab some M&M’s off the dessert buffet (there are always some there, because we all have those clueless relatives who assume that candy from the dollar store is equivalent to actually making something with you own hands) and sit off to one side of the room. Wait until the atmosphere in the room is just right, and then engage your mission.
Begin loading the candy pellets into the spork and flinging them right into the middle of the noisy, boisterous crowd. It might take them a bit to even notice your efforts, because of the beer and all, but eventually they will. At first, they will think it’s cute, and might even try to catch the airborne treats with their inebriated mouths, confirming that the Evolution of Mankind is on a sliding scale. Before too long, they will no longer see the humor in the situation and order you to stop. Continue. When one of your beefier relatives comes after you with some barbecue tongs, scream “No one in this family has EVER loved me!” Then turn and run out of the house, making sure the screen door slams.
4. Pretend that you are having a serious relationship with the spork.
Take the spork with you to the next happy hour you have with your friends. Insist that the spork have its own chair at the table, right beside you. Get belligerent if anyone questions this. Occasionally reach over and tickle the spork where the spoon attaches to the body, upping the creep factor by throwing in some baby-talk gibberish. (“I wuv my wittle plastic sporkie, yes I do!”)
Give the spork a pet name that you make up by combining words on the two nearest beer bottles. (Suggestions: “Amstel Adams” if you like men, “Corona Ultra” if you like women, and “Recycle Twist Top” if you avoid gender stereotyping.) For big drama, kiss the spork, using your tongue on the pointy little teeth and growling slightly. When your friends finally tell you to knock it off or leave, look at them with total innocence and say “I want the colors for our wedding to be Blush and Bashful.” Wipe a fake tear from your eye for added drama and confirmation that you qualify for one of those reality TV series that aren’t about reality in any way.
5. Pretend that the spork causes you issues.
The next time you are in a fast-food drive-thru, and they happen to include a spork with your purchase, become psychotic. Look into the bag, make a morally offended noise, rip the spork out of the bag, and wave it at the clueless, gum-chewing cashier, being sure to constantly crinkle the plastic wrapping the whole time, because this will ratchet up the “Silence of the Lambs” factor. You can never go wrong by emulating a movie that includes Anthony Hopkins.
Shove the spork right in the cashier’s face and solemnly proclaim “This is NOT what God intended! I cast out this demonic petrochemical-based product!” Then hurl the spork over the cashier’s shoulder and back into the kitchen, hopefully dinging someone who is just trying to make a bean burrito without getting violated during their shift. If the police arrive, leave, because government officials rarely see the humor in any situation and you don’t want to end up in a county-jail cell with someone nicknamed “Ripper” who really has silenced a few lambs.
6. Dig to China.
I think you can figure this one out. But be patient, because your sub-par excavation tool means this is going to take a while, and drink plenty of water. And don’t be all rude and American on the other side. Be nice. And take off your shoes.
7. Pretend to be an important scientist in the field of Bioengineering.
Act like you developed the spork yourself, the result of a scientific experiment that involved getting several utensils drunk on Vodka and then handing out Viagra. Name your creation “Dolly” in tribute to that sheep. Call up Oprah’s booking team and demand to appear on her show, citing your sterling but not-real credentials. When they turn you down, call Ellen’s people. They invite you to appear only because they know Ellen will really enjoy saying “spork” on national TV.
8. Pretend that your spork has been spork-napped.
Make a fake ransom letter. Show it to family members, along with the empty wrapper, spattered with small traces of blood. (Ketchup will work just fine in a pinch, unless you happen to have packets of real blood lying around for possible activities that we really don’t need to know about.) Babble hysterically. Lunge for the phone every single time it rings, taking advantage of the opportunity to knock down family members that you don’t really care for, and then blame it on your emotional stress. Refuse to eat dinner. Sit by the front window, gazing into the night in hopeful anticipation, gasping every time a car drives down the street, then sinking back into depression when it doesn’t stop. Wear the same clothes for three days. Weep.
9. Remake “Gone with the Wind” using sporks instead of people.
This is totally doable, as long as you make sure you hire sporks with the right skills. You’ll need a spork who is competent at rolling around in a turnip field while uttering self-empowerment sayings, sporks that can wear hoop skirts without tripping and falling on their asses, sporks that are willing to march off to war and not get to appear in the second half of this day-long movie, a spork that thinks he’s attractive when he smokes a cigar and squints his eyes, and a spork that don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies. And you need to be very careful during the “Burning of Atlanta” segment or your entire cast might melt.
10. Pretend to BE a spork.
Get your hair cut just like Bart Simpson, then dye it to match the color of your favorite brand of plastic utensils. Wrap yourself in cellophane along with a white blanket folded in a long rectangle so that it appears napkin-like. Proceed to the nearest restaurant and lay down on the end of the salad bar, next to the to-go boxes. Wait.
(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/05/10.)