1. The song on the alarm clock radio is unsatisfactory.
One should not have to greet the day with a bad soundtrack. Hit the snooze button and wait for something better to play. If this takes 3 hours, that’s fine.
2. You might have to iron something.
This won’t do. No one should be forced to shove a steaming chunk of metal back and forth when they are not in the mood. If you don’t have any clean, wrinkle-free garments, then call in sick. Lie to your boss, inventing a mysterious illness that requires you to remain horizontal. Moan a lot for realism.
3. Someone in the house is bound to say something that will irritate you.
This is a given. Nobody else wants to get out of bed, either, so your dwelling is crammed with bitter zombies who just want to cut people and make them cry. Avoid them. If you happen to live alone, you know that neighbor lady is probably standing in your driveway, ready to discuss your unfortunate concept of lawn maintenance. Don’t take the chance. Remain sprawled on your bed so she won’t see you move and then rudely try to knock on your front door.
4. You need to save your strength for acts of bravery.
You never know when you might be called upon to get a cat out of a tree, save someone in a burning building, or run to the store when somebody carelessly runs out of wine coolers at the Bunco party. This happens all the time, so it would be selfish of you to not be rested and full of energy. Think of mankind, not your own personal needs like retaining a job and paying bills. I believe Gandhi said that. And why would he lie?
5. The inspection sticker on your car is due in two months.
As a good citizen of your state, it is important that you adequately prepare for this important responsibility. You need to carefully think of anything that might be wrong with your car which could prove to be an issue when grease-covered people in coveralls take a gander at your drive-shaft. If you can’t immediately think of something that might need automotive attention, perhaps you should take a nap or two and refresh your memory.
6. There are always people that you don’t want to hear from but insist on calling you.
If you remain on the mattress, you are not actually lying when you explain to them later that you couldn’t take their call because you were “still in bed”. You don’t have to clarify that you were propped up in that bed, watching “House Hunters International” and eating leftover pizza. Everyone needs secrets. It’s healthy.
7. People in Africa are sleepy.
You are lucky to live in a country where you have the good fortune to get as much sleep as you want. Lots of people in the world can’t afford all the sleep they need, sometimes only getting by on one nap a day, or even going to bed sleepless. It wouldn’t be right of you to not finish your share of sleep.
8. Cats sleep 23 hours a day, and then accomplish everything on their agenda during that one waking hour.
Why can’t humans do the same? Seems a bit unfair, don’t you think? I didn’t ask to be born with only two legs, no fur, and the inability to lick every single spot on my entire body while holding one leg straight up in the air. I deserve more, dang it.
9. Any sudden movement on your part could throw the entire planet out of alignment.
You really don’t want to be responsible for upsetting the balance of nature by moving about the bedroom and causing dangerous fluctuations in the gravitational field. For the sake of family, friends and our future children, make an important act of self-sacrifice by denying yourself the opportunity to actually make something of your life. As a reward for your noble act, consume that candy bar on the nightstand that you’ve been saving for just such a heroic occasion.
10. What’s the point?
You’re just going to be back up in this thing in 16 hours or so. Cut down on your commute, save on gas, preserve natural resources, and make the world a greener place. Just stay where you are. Someone will eventually bring you some food.
(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/18/10.)