Note: PTO = Person Taking Order, the idiotic twit that has somehow been granted communication permissions at this establishment. YOU = well, you. Here we go…

ONE

PTO: “Welcomecrackintheboxyourorder?”

YOU: “Okay, I believe you just attempted to greet me and ask for my order, although that might have been some type of seizure or a mating call. Can you hang on a minute?”

PTO: “….”

YOU: “Hello?”

PTO: “Are you ready?”

YOU: “No, I just wanted to make sure you heard me say just a minute.”

PTO: “…”

YOU: “Did you hear me?”

PTO: “Are you ready?”

YOU: “Do I just not exist to you until I answer ‘yes’ to that question?”

TWO

PTO: “Sir, please stop honking your horn.”

YOU: “I’m NOT honking my horn. It’s the people behind me.”

PTO: “Why are they honking?”

YOU: “I’m assuming they’re hungry. We’ve been in line for twenty minutes and we haven’t moved an inch.”

PTO: “Could you tell them to stop honking?”

YOU: “I don’t know them. I’m not telling them anything.”

PTO: “You’re closer than me.”

YOU: “Look, can I talk to your manager?”

PTO: “He’s not here, he had to run get some change from the bank and… Hey, is the honking coming from an ugly green Honda Prius and the driver is a butthead?”

YOU: “What? Um… well… yes, it appears to be a Prius… not sure about the ugly part… and the driver could be a butthead or it could be Mother Teresa, I have no idea…”

PTO: “That’s my manager. He’s trying to bring me change and you’re in the way. Could you go get the bag and bring it to me?”

YOU: “Why in the world is he using the drive-thru? That doesn’t make any sense.”

PTO: “That’s why he’s a butthead. Can you just go get the bag and stop talking? I’m out of ones.”

YOU: “No I cannot go get the bag. What is wrong with you?”

PTO: “Nothing’s wrong with me. You’re the one who’s anti-social and resistant to authority.”

YOU: “How do you even know those words? From your police reports?”

PTO: “Those documents are sealed until I’m 18 and that’s none of your business. Are you getting the change or not? I’ve got a lady here who ordered Captain Bucky’s Shrimp Bucket and I don’t have the right change. I already tried to give her a stapler and she didn’t go for that. She’s kinda mad.”

YOU: “I’m not getting your change! In fact, I’m not getting anything. I’m putting my car in reverse and I’m getting the hell out of here, and I don’t care if I hit Mother Teresa in the Prius!”

PTO: “So you won’t be using any coupons today?”

THREE

PTO: “Could you please repeat that?”

YOU: “I haven’t said anything yet. Do you understand that the people in front of me aren’t here anymore?”

PTO: “Oh. Well, do you know if they wanted the Diablo Sauce or the Chipotle Cream on their Flaming Flautas?

YOU: “Uh…no I don’t. They didn’t discuss it with me. Since I wasn’t in their car or anything.”

PTO: “You didn’t hear them when the ordered? What did they say?”

YOU: “I wasn’t recording it to share with my grandchildren when they visit me in the nursing home. It’s your job to listen, not mine.”

PTO: “That sounds racist. I’m calling my lawyer.”

YOU: “How is that racist? I don’t even know what race you might be, even if I wanted to have an issue with it, which I don’t.”

PTO: “So now you’re denying me my heritage?”

YOU: “I’m not… I just want to order a chicken sandwich. I am not burning a cross or wearing a hood. I’m just hungry.”

PTO: “Chicken sandwich, huh? So you want the white meat. Which means you have a problem with the dark meat. I knew it.” Sounds of SOM partially covering her microphone as she turns to holler into the kitchen. “Order up! KKK chicken sandwich with a side of fries. Don’t bother to cook the fries so they can stay white.” Sounds of SOM uncovering microphone. “There. I’ll go sit in the back of the bus until your order is done.”

FOUR

PTO: “Please pull up to the second window.”

YOU: “Um, there’s only one window.”

PTO: “Oh. That was my last job. Can you just drive until I see you?”

YOU: “But I’m already at the window. I’m looking at you right now.”

PTO: “Oh.” Turns to look out window instead of gazing at the tile wall in front of her and practicing dance moves. “Is it you that I’ve been talking to? Then how are you talking at the menu board?”

YOU: “I’m not. There was a sign on the menu board saying it was broken and that I should just pull through.”

PTO: “Then how come I can hear you in my headset?”

YOU: “That’s between you and Jesus. I just want a Grapette and some tater tots.”

FIVE

PTO: “You want any ketchup with that?”

YOU: “I ordered fries. Why would I not want ketchup?”

PTO: “Some people don’t.”

YOU: “Some people do. Like me.”

PTO: “Look, I’m supposed to ask instead of just give. I don’t make the rules. Ketchup costs money, you know.”

YOU: “Then add it to the cost of the fries and give everybody the damn ketchup.”

PTO: “Fine. Is one packet enough?”

YOU: “I’d like three. There’s only like two drops in one of those things.”

PTO: “That’s a lot of ketchup. Do you know how much sugar that is?”

YOU: “Are we really having this conversation?”

PTO: “I think we’re both talking, so, yes, we are.”

YOU: “Just give me the ketchup.”

PTO: “You seem to have a lot of anger in you. Violence is never the answer. Here, let me just tuck this brochure for the Buddhist Temple into your bag, so you can read it while you’re eating all that ketchup that you don’t really need.”

SIX

YOU: “I’d like the Atomic Burrito and a large order of Jalapeno Bang-Bangs.”

PTO: “We don’t have chicken.”

YOU: “Both of those things have ground beef. What’s with the chicken?”

PTO: “We don’t have it.”

YOU: “But I’m not ordering anything with chicken.”

PTO: “We don’t have chicken.”

SEVEN

PTO: “Would you like to super-size that?”

YOU: “No, thanks.”

PTO: “Would you like to super-size that?”

YOU: “NO! Regular size is fine.”

PTO: “Would you like to super-size that?”

YOU: “Are you some kind of upgrade terrorist? I don’t want the big one, I want the little one.”

PTO: “Bigger is better.”

YOU: “No, it’s not. Not if I don’t want it. God.”

PTO: “God wants you to have bigger things.”

YOU: “Just shoot me in the head.”

PTO: “Would you like the super bullet with that?”

EIGHT

PTO: “Can I take your order?”

YOU: “Uh, I was already ordering. Did you not hear me?”

PTO: “That was Yolanda. She’s on break now.”

YOU: “So Yolanda can leave in the middle of an order?”

PTO: “We have a union. There are rules. I don’t know why you’re here if you don’t support that.”

YOU: “Are you serious?”

PTO: “No, she works the midnight shift. I’m Melvin. Can I take your order?”

NINE

YOU: “Does the Hawaiian Chicken Surprise sandwich have tomatoes?”

PTO: “I don’t know.”

YOU: “Is there somebody you can check with? I don’t want tomatoes.”

PTO: “I don’t know people in Hawaii.”

YOU: “Okay, does the person who is making the sandwiches know?”

PTO: “I’m not allowed to go back there.”

YOU: “Is there a manager I can talk to?”

PTO: “He’s not Hawaiian.”

YOU: “Why are you making this so hard?”

PTO: “You’re the one asking all the questions.”

TEN

PTO: “Could you please pull through and park in front of the building?”

YOU: “Why? What’s taking so long?”

PTO: “Your order.”

YOU: “I get that. What, of the things I ordered, is causing the problem?”

PTO: “Everything.”

YOU: “Even the water?”

PTO: “Yes. Especially the water.”

YOU: “How can there be a problem with a cup of water?”

PTO: “Um, no one ever orders that, so we’re not sure what to do.”

YOU: “You don’t know how to put water in a cup? Are you serious?”

PTO: “I’m very serious about food. That’s why I work here. Why are you questioning my values?”

YOU: “I’m not questioning… Look, if we skip the water, can things happen faster?”

PTO: “You’ve already paid. I’m not authorized to do refunds.”

YOU: “The water didn’t cost anything.”

PTO: “But it’s on the receipt. See? Item 4. Water.”

YOU: “Let’s just pretend that you’ve already given me the water and I already drank it, okay? Now, can I just get the rest of the food?”

PTO: “Um, okay.”

YOU: “No more problems?”

PTO: “No. Wait. Yes. Hang on.”

YOU: “What now?”

PTO: “They’re calling me on my headset. One sec. Okay. Okay. Sir, your chicken sandwich?”

YOU: “Oh, God.”

PTO: “Tina’s calling from the kitchen. She says she’s holding the tomato right now like you ordered. But she doesn’t know what you want her to do with it after that.”

(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/05/11. Revised and edited with extra flair for this post.)