10 Reasons Why

30 Startling Things to Say to Annoying Strangers at Wal-Mart




1. “You do understand that you should be wearing panties with that outfit, right?”


2. “I will write you a check right now if you swear to never wear Spandex again.”


3. “I take it your family missed a few centuries of development.”


4. “Would you like to borrow my mirror? Because it’s clear that you don’t have one.”


5. “Please explain to your child that he is not a dog and he should get off my leg.”


6. “How cute. And what type of animal did you have to kill to get that hairdo?”


7. “Your name is not Sting. Go pick out some deodorant. I have a brochure if you don‘t know what that is. Oh, just take the brochure, who am I kidding?”


8. “I guess you save a lot of money on toothpaste.”


9. “Have you heard about this new thing called contraceptives? No? Okay, the first step goes like this: If somebody with a penis looks your way, you don‘t have to immediately flop on the ground and hoist your legs in the air. Wait, was that too many words? Did I throw you with penis?”


10. “And the pork rinds still taste good going into that filthy mouth of yours?”


11. “Let’s make something clear. Just because we both have beer in our carts does NOT make us instant friends.”


12. “Excuse me, but I’m not catching ALL of the details of what should be a private conversation between you and your gynecologist. Could you put that on speakerphone?”


13. “Was your child raised near a tornado siren?”


14. “For the love of GOD, stop reaching for products on the bottom shelf. I’m seeing pendulous things and personal crevices that a therapist can never erase.”


15. “Have you ever eaten a vegetable in your entire life?”


16. “Sweetie, this is the wrong aisle for you. There‘s nothing here that can be deep-fried or made into a tube top.”


17. “What’s up with the tongue action? Are you expecting to find a coupon in the throat of your girlfriend?”


18. “The door-greeter should be fired for letting you get by.”


19. “I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone deaf. Based on the way that your child is destroying the planet while you look the other way, I’m assuming it happened during labor?”


20. “I’m not offended by the body piercings. I’m offended by the other accessories. Like your attitude.”


21. “We all fully understand that you have breasts. Now cover them up before every man in this store starts buying Barbra Streisand albums.”


22. “There are not enough words in the English language to describe the things that are wrong with you.”


23. “Girl, I don’t see a crown on your head. Wait your turn like everybody else.”


24. “By all means, knock me out of the way so you can get the exact roll of paper towels that I was reaching for. I’m sure it would be too much to ask for you to snag one of the 500 other rolls on this shelf.”


25. “Wait, is that a Tea Party tattoo on your arm? It all makes sense now. I guess you’re here for the sale on white sheets in the linen department.”


26. “What happened to you in your childhood that would make you drive a shopping cart like that? You need to talk to someone about all that anger.”


27. “Did you see how the milk spoiled right as you walked by? Even the dairy section knows that you’ve got issues.”


28. “You do understand that Jerry Springer doesn’t have a talk show anymore, right? You and your weave can stop trying to get on it.”


29. “Wow. You have just single-handedly refuted the Theory of Evolution.”


30. “Let me explain something. This lovely woman at the register had absolutely nothing to do with your inability to read price tags, your non-grasp of basic mathematics, your apparent childhood in a barn, your refusal to understand that you reap what you sow, and your complete ignorance concerning social decency. She is not responsible for the epic failure of your parents, and neither is anybody else in this store. Quit whining, give her some money, round up your inbred clan, get the hell out of this building, and go back to the cave from whence you stumbled. And stop procreating.”




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