- The “Michele Bachmann” Burrito
Take one regular meat burrito. Unwrap and remove all the good stuff, leaving nothing but hot air. Wrap tortilla back up. Make small picket sign using toothpick and sugar packet, proclaiming “Pray Away the Gay!” Sell for $2, just like the imaginary price of gas that she dreamed up while waiting for Marcus to put his clothes back on after another one of his private reversion therapy sessions with a hot client.
- The “Rick Perry” Pico de Gallo
Take one Bible, one American Constitution, two letters threatening secession, the concept of public education, the ability to ignore any factual documentation that disputes scripted ranting, and the misunderstanding that Big in Texas does not necessarily translate to national relevance. Chop all ingredients into small pieces. Mix with satanic hair gel. Serve with every evening-news meal whether they request it or not. Wait for most customers to ignore the mess and eventually push it to the side of their plate. Throw in trash when customer leaves.
- The “Sarah Palin” Salsa
Set small, empty bowl on table. Walk away before finishing your term as food server. Pause at magazine rack near door, wonder what those things might be, then head out the door to check on the pregnancy status of all your known children, using results to determine the context of future political appearances.
- The “Newt Gingrich” Nachos
Dig out menu from 1994. Find dish that no one has ordered in years or remembers why it managed to be popular back in the day. Cover with excessive amounts of cheese and reheat. Serve with a side of pointlessness.
- The “Rick Santorum” Sizzling Fajitas
Take one incredibly-hot iron plate, throw on sliced vegetables, strips of meat and some shredded morality. Place this creation on the table of patron just overheard making a gay slur, point at the steaming and crackling hot plate, and announce that this is just a friendly reminder where some people will be going for the hate-based things they have done in their lives. Hand the idiot a tiny pitchfork, then sing a show tune while heading back into the kitchen. (If time and scheduling permits, make this presentation whilst wearing drag, and a commitment ceremony is taking place at a neighboring table.)
- The “John Boehner” Menu
Refuse to give the customer anything he orders. Unless it has Tea in it.
- The “Rick Scott” Florida Flautas
This one takes some planning. Go online and order an extra-long alien. (There are many websites where this is possible, take your pick.) When he arrives, program him to act a certain way, in a disguised manner that encourages disgruntled voters (read that as: People who don’t bother to actually do research) to vote for him. After the successful election, fry your long alien in Koch Brothers lard, which will chemically alter him and reveal his true colors. Garnish with an air of superiority and a disregard for what the people really want.
- The “Wisconsin Cheese” Quesadillas
While most people are looking the other way and thinking something untoward can’t happen in their own state, do some wicked ground-level rearrangements that people didn’t heed the warnings about. With your new and conscience-devoid kitchen staff, force the cooks to create dishes that actually make people less full than when they sat down to eat. (Well, only certain people, the folks who actually work.) If anyone doesn’t want to eat the meal, threaten them with imprisonment.
- The “Mitt Romney” Refried Beans
Start cooking this dish on the left side of the stove, move it temporarily to the middle, then shove it to the right and pretend like the first two recipe instructions never happened. Done. (Also available in multiple servings for card-carrying members of the “We still have polygamy but pretend like we don’t” Society.)
- The “Glenn Beck” Sour Cream Enchilada
Take one disgruntled ball of sourdough, roll it in tainted grease, and allow it to rise on a stove burner powered by Fox News. Watch in disbelief as the dough expands to epic proportions of slander and stupidity, then step back and smile as the dough implodes from self-importance, the power to the burner is cut off by hypocritical Fox News, and yet the dough refuses to believe that his relevance has expired. Serve with grapes.
Please take a moment of your time to fill out a comment card on our service, and thank you for dining at Bonnywood Manor!
(Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/19/11, with only slight editing for this post. No need to make any major updates, same clown car, same outfits…)