1. Why do you hold your wireless phone in front of your mouth when you speak instead of on the side of your head?
Do you not understand that you are actually moving the microphone further away from your lips? If you thought this would help your little friend hear better, you’re mistaken. What type of backwoods situation led to you thinking this would improve things? Hold the phone where you’re supposed to hold it and quit dicking around.
2. What happened to all the mirrors in your house?
Something must have, because if you had caught a glimpse of yourself, you never would have left the house looking like THAT. Then again, based on the stained clothing, unwashed body parts, and hovering gnats, the mirror may not have provided any assistance. Here’s a tip: Take a bath. And stay home anyway. (Side note: Why would you put on something that tight? It can’t possibly be comfortable. Then again, your mind-numbing couture choice just might lead to your accidental sterilization, and that’s a blessing that would prompt the rest of us to leave a healthy donation when the offering plate comes by in church.)
3. Have you heard of that new-fangled thing called birth control?
No? Well, here’s a brochure. It has pictures, so I’m sure you can figure it out. Basically, you don’t have to have a child every time you have sex. No, I’m not kidding. For real! Now, your priest or one of those nun people might try to talk you out of this, saying that you will burn in Hell if you don’t use every egg your body produces to its fullest capacity, but that’s not true. Lots of people get into Heaven with less than 10 children. So run to the store and buy some of those balloon things like in the brochure pictures. Share with all your friends. (But don’t sleep with them. You’ve done enough of that already.)
4. Do you understand why you have to get your car inspected every year?
It’s so people don’t die from you driving a car that you should not be driving. You may think it’s okay that all the trees on both sides of the road instantly perish from your toxic exhaust when you drive past, but it’s really not a good thing. Actual people have to breathe that crap belching out of your rear end, too. I’ve never done anything to you. (I don’t even want to be near you.) It’s a bit unfair that the planet should have to expire prematurely just because you’re too lazy and self-centered to arrange for a bit of automotive maintenance.
Don’t have the money to fix your car? Hmm. Well, somehow you managed to pay for that phone you’re hollering into over the clatter of your busted muffler dragging on the ground while thousands choke on your fumes. Let’s get some priorities, shall we? (P.S. That plastic red tape you used to “repair” your taillight after you backed into the side of the Piggly Wiggly because you were talking on the phone and not paying attention? It’s not fooling anyone.)
5. Is there a sign on my forehead that says I’d like to talk to strangers?
No? Then why are you violating my personal space with intrusive questions about how my day has been and what I think of the Dallas Cowboys? I’m already forced to talk to lots of people that I don’t like, such as supervisors, relatives, and home-repair personnel who feel compelled to provide a running commentary on my decorating choices and the quality of my neighborhood. Perhaps we can come to an understanding where we simply nod briefly to one another and that’s the end of our conversational discourse. Agreed?
6. Do you not comprehend the function of the drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant?
Because you’re just sitting there in your car, blankly staring at the menu board as if it’s written in Swahili and you have no idea what items might be served at this establishment even though you picked it. I know that choices can be confusing, but there are only so many times that you can read everything on the board. And quit hollering “Hold ON!” every time the attendant tries to take your order. It’s not his fault that you can’t make up your mind. What are you waiting for? A vision from Jesus? Just get a cheeseburger. It’s a fail-safe.
7. Do you have a microphone in your hand?
I didn’t think so. Now stop singing along with the song on the in-store radio while we stand in the supermarket checkout line. No one asked you to do this. I just want to pay for my croutons and then get the hell out. I don’t want to be involuntarily serenaded with a rap song, especially one where you clearly don’t know all the right words. You might think you have the music in you, but I’m afraid it’s just a gas bubble.
8. Did you think I was a fortune teller?
I’m not. So you’re going to have to tell me what you want, instead of this fumbling dance about getting to the point. By you just standing there and babbling about inconsequential trivia that means nothing to me, you’re causing my blood pressure to go up, and your chances of any worthwhile assistance to go down. And when we’re finally done? Please fill out this exit survey so I can determine where I erred in my quest to avoid you all day. Thank you.
9. Are you familiar with the Heimlich Maneuver?
Do you think it works in the other direction? Because we really need to get whatever has been shoved up your ass out of there. Let’s put some duct tape over your mouth and try it. Come here.
10. Why did your people make you leave your home planet?
And what can I do to make them take you back?
(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 11/29/10. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)