10 Reasons Why

10 Things I Want to Ask Clueless People

Crossed Duct Tape Stripes

1. Why do you hold your wireless phone in front of your mouth when you speak instead of on the side of your head?

Do you not understand that you are actually moving the microphone further away from your lips? If you thought this would help your little friend hear better, you’re mistaken. What type of backwoods situation led to you thinking this would improve things? Hold the phone where you’re supposed to hold it and quit dicking around.

2. What happened to all the mirrors in your house?

Something must have, because if you had caught a glimpse of yourself, you never would have left the house looking like THAT. Then again, based on the stained clothing, unwashed body parts, and hovering gnats, the mirror may not have provided any assistance. Here’s a tip: Take a bath. And stay home anyway. (Side note: Why would you put on something that tight? It can’t possibly be comfortable. Then again, your mind-numbing couture choice just might lead to your accidental sterilization, and that’s a blessing that would prompt the rest of us to leave a healthy donation when the offering plate comes by in church.)

3. Have you heard of that new-fangled thing called birth control?

No? Well, here’s a brochure. It has pictures, so I’m sure you can figure it out. Basically, you don’t have to have a child every time you have sex. No, I’m not kidding. For real! Now, your priest or one of those nun people might try to talk you out of this, saying that you will burn in Hell if you don’t use every egg your body produces to its fullest capacity, but that’s not true. Lots of people get into Heaven with less than 10 children. So run to the store and buy some of those balloon things like in the brochure pictures. Share with all your friends. (But don’t sleep with them. You’ve done enough of that already.)

4. Do you understand why you have to get your car inspected every year?

It’s so people don’t die from you driving a car that you should not be driving. You may think it’s okay that all the trees on both sides of the road instantly perish from your toxic exhaust when you drive past, but it’s really not a good thing. Actual people have to breathe that crap belching out of your rear end, too. I’ve never done anything to you. (I don’t even want to be near you.) It’s a bit unfair that the planet should have to expire prematurely just because you’re too lazy and self-centered to arrange for a bit of automotive maintenance.

Don’t have the money to fix your car? Hmm. Well, somehow you managed to pay for that phone you’re hollering into over the clatter of your busted muffler dragging on the ground while thousands choke on your fumes. Let’s get some priorities, shall we? (P.S. That plastic red tape you used to “repair” your taillight after you backed into the side of the Piggly Wiggly because you were talking on the phone and not paying attention? It’s not fooling anyone.)

5. Is there a sign on my forehead that says I’d like to talk to strangers?

No? Then why are you violating my personal space with intrusive questions about how my day has been and what I think of the Dallas Cowboys? I’m already forced to talk to lots of people that I don’t like, such as supervisors, relatives, and home-repair personnel who feel compelled to provide a running commentary on my decorating choices and the quality of my neighborhood. Perhaps we can come to an understanding where we simply nod briefly to one another and that’s the end of our conversational discourse. Agreed?

6. Do you not comprehend the function of the drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant?

Because you’re just sitting there in your car, blankly staring at the menu board as if it’s written in Swahili and you have no idea what items might be served at this establishment even though you picked it. I know that choices can be confusing, but there are only so many times that you can read everything on the board. And quit hollering “Hold ON!” every time the attendant tries to take your order. It’s not his fault that you can’t make up your mind. What are you waiting for? A vision from Jesus? Just get a cheeseburger. It’s a fail-safe.

7. Do you have a microphone in your hand?

I didn’t think so. Now stop singing along with the song on the in-store radio while we stand in the supermarket checkout line. No one asked you to do this. I just want to pay for my croutons and then get the hell out. I don’t want to be involuntarily serenaded with a rap song, especially one where you clearly don’t know all the right words. You might think you have the music in you, but I’m afraid it’s just a gas bubble.

8. Did you think I was a fortune teller?

I’m not. So you’re going to have to tell me what you want, instead of this fumbling dance about getting to the point. By you just standing there and babbling about inconsequential trivia that means nothing to me, you’re causing my blood pressure to go up, and your chances of any worthwhile assistance to go down. And when we’re finally done? Please fill out this exit survey so I can determine where I erred in my quest to avoid you all day. Thank you.

9. Are you familiar with the Heimlich Maneuver?

Do you think it works in the other direction? Because we really need to get whatever has been shoved up your ass out of there. Let’s put some duct tape over your mouth and try it. Come here.

10. Why did your people make you leave your home planet?

And what can I do to make them take you back?


(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 11/29/10. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)


12 replies »

  1. It is funny and other people’s behaviour can seem absurd, odd and ignorant. Thing to keep in mind is that we live in the myth that everyone is equal in abilities, knowledge and understanding.

    They are not. Some have lower education & income. Some have processing issues – a hyper active learning disabled child grows up into an adult – the problems remain. Yes reading the menu can be a problem.

    Sorry if I am raining on the humour, my background is in Special Education. Once you see the behaviour & coping strategies at play in the school setting, you recognize them in the checkout line and at the fast food restaurant. 🙂


    • elmediat,

      Thank you for your honest commentary. I fully understand what you are saying, and I respect your need to express the thoughts you had while reading this. I have family members who fit the scenarios you describe and who traveled the Special Education path during their schooling. I know that everyone you meet in chance encounters has an unseen background that contributes to their current social behavior.

      Having said all that, this post (as with many of my posts) is a slice of reality served on a bun of exaggeration. The intention is not to berate those who truly do not understand or realize the basis of their behavior. If that was my true aim, there would be no point in including the humor. I would simply rant. Rather, I like to share experiences that others may have also had, stir in some wackiness, we all have a few laughs and let off a little steam (important for everyone), and then we move on.

      As a final note, with the particulars of this post, I think it’s fair to say that some people are asses in public just because they don’t care. There are no underlying experiential, psychological, medical or financial-status factors that contribute to their actions. They have simply learned that in our sometimes overly politically-correct modern society that they can do whatever they want, and if someone calls them on it, they cry foul or discrimination. To me, it’s pure laziness in regards to decent social behavior. Personal accountability has been scrubbed away in so many aspects of life, it’s simply not fair to those who still hold to that standard. Own what you do. Don’t point fingers after you’ve done it.

      Okay, I think that’s enough philosophizing on the part of Dr. Brian (one of the “characters” I play on one of my blogs). Again, I appreciate your comments, and I actually welcome the thoughtful response. It’s this kind of dialogue that actually brings people together instead of building walls…


      • One of the comments students would make in my English class is this ” book/play/activity/person” is stupid. I would point out that you have to be smart to be stupid.
        If you put your had on a hot food container and you do not know it is hot, that is an act of ignorance ( lack of knowledge). If you do it again and are not suffering from extreme short term memory, then that is an act of stupidity. You have to be smart & knowledgeable to do something stupid. I think the people that you refer to under the lazy asses category perform great random acts of stupidity. 😀

        Mind you, I also think most of us are captives of our neurology and our acts of free will are governed by internal processes that we have no or little control over,…….. like belching. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my god, I laughed so hard at this post! It’s like you’re in my mind! So glad I’m not the only one who has thoughts like this. Sometimes people think I’m snarky, I call it just being observant and honest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love running into people who have the same sense of humor, which is why I was only on your blog for about two seconds before I clicked “Follow”. Here’s to people who are observant and honest. May we live long and prosper. Or at least manage to pay our bills on time… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I can’t wait to read more of your blogs and appreciate the compliment about mine and my humor. My dry humor gets lost on people sometimes, especially over text! Living long and paying my bills are definitely some of my top priorities! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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