Humor

Scotch on the Rocks

Scotch on the Rocks

A shocking example of climate change, through the eyes of a feline…

Hi, People with two legs!

It’s me, Scotch the cat. I’m on Daddy’s toplap again, the thing I’m not supposed to be on, like the kitchen table and stuff that can break, but I don’t think he really cares right now. He’s in the other room, being very mad, and I’m pretty sure it’s not about me.

It’s been a very scary day.

I didn’t know it was going to be scary or I would have just stayed asleep. But I was up way early, before the dark goes away, running around and knocking things over for my Daddies to find later and then wonder what happened while I giggle. The Larm Clock said something with a 5 in it. I can only count to 5, because of my legs and tail, but I’m taking classes to learn more. I’m trying really hard but I know I don’t like that Ho Merk thing. I’m not good at it.

I was slapping at a plastic milk cap in the hallway (I love those things!), when Daddy got out of bed, looking not nice and very sweaty. That didn’t look good, so I ran to one of the places where I can watch things and people can’t see me. Daddy walked over to a little box on the wall, the Thermos Tat, and he looked at the numbers. They were big numbers that I don’t understand. Daddy did something with buttons and stuff, then he said bad words and stomped away.

I ran up to the Thermos Tat and hissed at it, because if Daddy doesn’t like it then I don’t like it either. Then I sneaked behind Daddy and watched him do something with the Circus Breaker Box in the room that’s way at the back of the house. Daddy didn’t like that box, either. He tried to make it do something and it wouldn’t. Then he went outside.

I’m not allowed to go outside. I tell my daddies every day that I want to go out there, but they don’t listen, and don’t let me. This makes me scratch stuff.

Daddy came back in, and he was still mad. He laid back down in bed, still mad. Other Daddy finally woke up, and they talked about Hair Conditioner. Something was wrong with it. A bad wrong. Other Daddy needed to call somebody about the Hair Conditioner, so he groomed himself in the little square room with water, then he left for that place he goes when it’s daylight.

Daddy sat down at his desk and turned things on, the toplaps and everything. That means he’s staying in our house today. Yay! I like it when he does that. I don’t understand why Other Daddy always has to leave when it’s bright outside but Daddy doesn’t always have to leave. But they keep feeding me, so I just pretend like I don’t care. I like treats. Yay more!

Daddy started typing and talking to people on the phone and doing the boring stuff that isn’t about me. This is when he is “working”. I don’t like this part, because when I jump on his boardkey he doesn’t think I’m cute and makes me get down. I never want to be working. It makes people different.

So I took a nap. I like naps. I have lots of places where I can do that, special places only for me. I change my mind every day about which is my favorite. Cause I don’t always remember the yesterday stuff when a new bright light comes in the window.

When I woked up, something wasn’t right. It was kinda warm. My special place in the window was too warm, and I didn’t want to be there anymore. I went to go ask Daddy about this. He was talking to Other Daddy on the phone, and somebody named Pear Man was supposed to come visit, but not until later because Pear Man had lots of places to go, lots of people had Hair Conditioning problems right now.

Daddy said some bad words. And Daddy was only wearing his underwear pants. It wasn’t the right part of daylight for him to be wearing those. I was a little scared, but I could tell Daddy wasn’t talking about me and there was still food in my bowl so they still loved me. I thought I should take another nap, because that’s the best thing to do when you don’t know what else to do.

When I woked up this time, it was all very wrong. It was hot. And Daddy was all shiny, the shiny he is when he walks on the Dread Mill, but he wasn’t walking on the Dread Mill and breathing hard, he was still working at his desk and typing every time there was a ping noise. I don’t think he was happy. He kept looking at his watch and saying bad things about God.

I thought maybe I should just be quiet and not run and knock stuff over. Sometimes you have to do this so people won’t yell. But everywhere I went, it was too hot, and I couldn’t stay still, and I wanted to scratch stuff, even the no-scratch stuff like cow-chess and widow treements. So I went back to Daddy and his underwear shorts and I asked about why so hot and what’s wrong?

He petted me, and said my name lots in the special way that says love, and then he made me lay down in front of a machine. I didn’t want to at first, but he kept making me be still, so I finally did, and the machine was making wind! It felt good, like stretching, and catching tiny things that run. But I didn’t have to do anything, just lay and let the wind make my hair move. It felt yummy like treats. I wanted to stay forever in the wind.

And I fell asleep again, because I can do that really good. When I woked up again, Daddy wasn’t at his desk where people ping and he types. I went to look for him, running through part of the house where it was really really hot, and he was in the Guess Bedroom, lying on the bed and trying not to move. Oh, I know how to do that! I jumped up with him, and he had a bigger wind machine, and I snuggled by him and we just let the wind make it better than places with no wind.

Daddy petted me a lot, and he talked about nice things, and we just “had to get through it” and it would be good again. I didn’t really understand, but there was wind and Daddy and it was okay, so I purred. I knew something was wrong with other parts of the house, but it was nice here, and the Pear Man was coming and it would get better because Daddy wouldn’t lie to me.

I think there was another nap, but I have lots of naps so I don’t always know when I have them. But Other Daddy finally came back from his daylight place, and he and Daddy talked about the Pear Man and if he was going to be coming today because there was a Heat Rave and lots of people had hot houses. I hoped all the hot houses had special wind machines for kitties like me.

Then there was the ding-dong noise that means people want to come into my house. I’m not always happy about that. Sometimes I don’t know them and don’t know what they are going to do to me. Then Other Daddy closed the doors on the room I was in, which means stay there and don’t scratch, so I did. When doors are closed it can be bad and you have to pay special attention and hide. So I hid.

There was a lot of noise and banging. The ding-dong man went to the room over my head. I’m never allowed to go in the sky room, the place where my daddies keep Chris Mess boxes and a tree with shiny things that make me want to whack at them. You have to go up a Lad Her, and I think I can do it, but the daddies never let me so maybe there’s badness in the sky room.

Ding-dong man told my daddies that something was full of water, and that made the hotness come. Water? I make water. Did I do something bad? I snuck under a piece of furniture where nobody could reach me. I sometimes get sad about not understanding things and I have to hide.

More stuff happened in the sky room. I don’t know what, but it happened. Then it got kind of quiet, and I sneaked up to one of the doors for my hiding room, and peeked through the crack. Ding-Dong Man made Daddy sign something and give him a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Then Ding-Dong Man left.

I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I was glad that Ding-Dong Man went away. He didn’t give me any treats.

Then the doors to my hiding room got opened, and my daddies came to pick me up and love on me, which I don’t always like, but I know they need to do this because they are daddies. They showed me that wind was coming out of the ceiling now, not like the wind machine, but it still felt good. They told me I just needed to be Pay Shunt and then all the rooms would be happy.

I made them put me down, and I ran around to smell things, and I think they are right. I can smell feel-good air coming back, not bad air that makes Daddy wear underwear and be shiny and say bad words. I ran back to my daddies and let them love on me a little bit more, then I ran to one of my favorite sleeping places and tried to be Pay Shunt and wait for everywhere to be fun again.

I think I want a wind machine, just for me. I liked it, after I figured out it wouldn’t hurt me. Tabby Lee from the alley says I should ask Sandy Claws for stuff like that. But I’ll ask my real daddies instead, cause they know people like Pear Man and God Am It, and can take care of stuff like they always do. Cause they love me, and when you are a good kitty you should get nice things. That’s why I always keep myself clean.

Piece out.

Scotch.

 

(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/04/11. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)

 

11 replies »

  1. I always get nervous trying to communicate with animals … and I know I never get things purrfect when dealing with cats … perhaps my allergy … anyhoo – I did enjoy this post (doh – I always enjoy your posts). Your cat-vocabulary was consistent, once a “toplap” always a “toplap” – the little things are important. And, as always, the vision painted was as near flawless as the words themselves. Another top-notch post. oh, and by the way – I’ve always wanted to call repair men “ding-dongs”. I’m glad Scotch has the fortitude to do so. and why does his photo look like maybe he’s had too much of another kind of scotch??

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s interesting that you bring up the “toplap” reference, a pseudo-word that developed during Scotch’s first appearance in my blogs, many years ago, a one-off cameo that happened during my scribbling of “The Paris Chronicles” which eventually became my first book, “Screaming in Paris”. (Sadly, the Scotch cameo was excised from the final manuscript, due to flow issues and unsavory demands from his agent.) Still, Scotch is very demonstrative in his convictions, and he doesn’t hesitate to make his opinion known. As for the publicity still accompanying this post? I was fiddling around with a new camera, playing with the intriguing filters on such, and he was intrigued with my playing, nosing in to see what I was doing. He doesn’t normally look like this, and there were no adult beverages involved on either count. It was the glory of modern technology that led to Scotch having just the right haggard tone to match the theme of the post…

      Like

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