10 Reasons Why

20 Cryptic Status Updates to Confuse Your Friends and Family

Cryptic Updates

1. “I knew there were going to be issues when they told me I had to light both ends of the baton before I could twirl it.”

2. “Does anyone have a really big truck that can haul something the size of a small elephant? Oh, and I might need some character witnesses for a court date later this month. Text me.”

3. “Note to Self: Always make sure that you have underwear on when answering the front door. Unexpected things can happen, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t have anything in their training manual for these developments.”

4. “Does anyone know what happened to the colander?”

5. “For the last time, the toilet paper goes on the spindle so that the paper rolls off the top. Don’t come up in my house and try to jack with the protocol. I’ll cut you.”

6. “I have no idea how I got 2,000 friends in Facebook. I’m assuming that alcohol was on the selection committee.”

7. “My fortune cookie had a recall notice in it.”

8. “It really irks me when I’m starving to death, open the refrigerator to find it crammed full of whatnots, and there’s not a damn thing in there I want. All this useless crap, and we’re saving it? Why? We’re all just waiting for the pointless leftovers to grow mold spores so we can then chunk them and cram newer crap in there that no one is ever going to eat. It’s ridiculous. On the plus side, reviewing the contents of the fridge during summer months is quite refreshing, with all that cooled air gushing about, especially if you have just terrorized some Jehovah’s witnesses with a commando performance at the front door.”

9. “Today is National Procrastination Day. People suffer from procrastination all the time, even though they try really hard to not do anything about it. If you support procrastination, think about posting this as your status, then don’t do it and go watch TV instead.”

10. “Don’t take the blue pill.”

11. “Dear person behind me in the check-out line at the supermarket: What was it about my appearance or mannerisms that made you think I cared one iota about your personal life? Please tell me, so I don’t make that mistake again. I just wanted to buy some avocados. I really wasn’t prepared for your woodchuck-on-acid emotional meltdown.”

12. “All I can say is that it must have been the allergy medication that made me do it.”

13. “So, what’s the real difference between first-degree and second-degree murder? Skill in hiding the body? Neatness? The dismount? Choice of soundtrack?”

14. “Okay, fine. I’m the one who ate the last piece of pizza and then made up that mess about a home invasion. I paid the neighborhood boy to lie about somebody running down the alley with grease dripping from his chin. Trust me, that was just a minor moment in my arsenal of deception and world domination.”

15. “The treadmill in the den. The thing that I absolutely had to have, used it a few times, and then ignored it ever since. It’s just like any relationship I had in college, only without the beer bong and the subsequent need to visit a free clinic while wearing sunglasses and using a fake name.”

16. “Click ‘Like’ if you think that people really shouldn’t be clicking ‘Like’ on every tiny update from everybody on the planet. (Co-dependent, much?) Ten years ago people on this planet actually managed to survive without digital validation.”

17. “I really meant to accomplish a lot of important things today. Then I got out of bed, which totally ruined everything.”

18. “I have no idea how those stains got there.”

19. “Anybody besides me think you should have to use your real name when adding a comment to anything online? Well, except for porn sites. That’s a world of delusion in itself, with the obvious lie that sex lasts for hours, everybody has multiple orgasms, and all you have to do to arrange for sex is order pizza or have a plumbing situation where a service tech has to lie on the floor and reach for a lug-nut.”

20. “If anybody asks, I was nowhere near the intersection of Hampton and Bonnywood roughly two hours ago. I know nothing about how the fire started. And I certainly don’t have a flaming baton. Not anymore.”


(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 04/27/12. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)

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