In yet another example of Tea Party members completely misunderstanding America and what it stands for, the political cult has chosen to release its latest mindless rant about nothing. A “fact-finding” committee, led by one Willard M. Bushney, leader of the scandal-plagued church, Our Lady of Endless Inbreeding, published the results of their exhaustive two-minute investigation on the tax-exempt (can you believe it?) organization’s main website, ThinkingIsBadForYou.com.
As is customary for the Tea Party, the committee did not finalize their documentation utilizing standard techniques such as word-processing programs, dictionaries or sound reasoning, as that would require at least minimal education and the Tea Party frowns on such sacrilegious pursuits. Instead, the material is presented on the website as a poorly-photographed series of ill-dressed people waving picket signs and trying to figure out where the camera might be.
An initial analysis of the sloppy presentation seems to indicate that the Tea Party is now up in their beloved assault-grade arms about children’s bedtime stories, those charming tales that normal people use to help smiling children slip off to Slumber Land so the adults can go do more interesting things. However, since it’s rare to come across a Tea Partier who can spell and/or be coherent, we have invited renowned S.P.A. (Stupid-People Analyst), Ima Sickofthesetwits, to assist in interpreting the grammar-defying placards and offer some possible insight into what might have led to the logic-deficient slogans.
Exhibit 1: “Redd Rydeing Hud Iz A Kommie Batch!”
Ima: This one is actually fairly straightforward, at least for a Tea Partier. In essence, despite the fact that the little girl is wearing a red ensemble which would normally invoke admiration in a TP, the brazen child has chosen to make travel decisions on her own. (Something she should never do, as a female.) She is carrying food in her little basket to share with others. (The Tea Partiers never share anything, because they are incapable of thinking about anyone but their own needs.) And she is attempting to check on the medical status of an elderly relative. (TP’s feel that senior citizens have only themselves to blame for growing old, and providing them things like Medicare, even if they paid for it during a lifetime of honest work, only encourages them to get even older.) Clearly, Little Red is an uppity progressive urchin that must die.
Exhibit 2: “Jakk an Jill cain’t hav my hill!”
Ima: This is another variation on the TP abhorrence for helping others out, flavored with more of their disdain for woman making proactive decisions. Our little duo simply wishes to climb a hill and obtain refreshments, but the Tea Partiers see this as a sure sign of Satan. Why can’t the duo get their water somewhere else? (Even though it’s a big well and there should be enough water for everyone.) Why should the duo be allowed to get water and not be forced to give some to the Tea Partiers? (Even though Jack and Jill have done all the work and the Tea Partiers haven’t done squat.) And why in the world is Jill climbing a hill and not off getting pregnant like the Bible says she should be doing as often as possible?
Exhibit 3: “NO White an NO Dorfs!”
Ima: This one’s easy, once you realize they are talking about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. They think the dwarves are gay, because of the happiness and the whistling. And you can’t show gays having fun and doing a line dance on the way to work, because that makes it seem like the gays are quite content to be who they were born to be. All good Tea Partiers are fully aware that you shouldn’t be making decisions about how to live your own life, nor should you be happy. Because the Tea Party is all about taking your own personal failures and blaming them on something that doesn’t affect your life in any way.
Exhibit 4: “No Beauty and the Beast!”
Ima: Wow, somebody made it through without a spelling error. That’s the most frightening thing I’ve seen today. Anyway, the issue with this one is that the woman is mentioned first, which is totally forbidden. Keep it old-school by listing the man first, like “Samson and Delilah”, “Joseph and Mary” and “Michele and Marcus Bachmann”.
Exhibit 5: “SINdarella be a SINNER!”
Ima: The Tea Partiers really can’t stand Cinderella. She represents everything that they have never accomplished. She continued to have faith in humanity despite some overwhelming obstacles (wretched stepmother, evil stepsisters, no free WiFi in the castle). She embraced those around her who were a little different (the singing mice who were oddly pant-less, the fairy godmother who had a dash of Wiccan lesbianism). And she managed to get a good man in the end without being pregnant and despite being unable to keep track of her own footwear.
Exhibit 6: “Alis in Sinnerland!”
Ima: Notice how “sinner” is the one word that all Tea Partiers can spell? I guess if you spend every day throwing that word at anybody who doesn’t share your moldy belief system, the letters are eventually going to stick with you. Anyway, Alice in Wonderland was written by an infamous drug addict, and all the TP’s pretend to be horribly offended by drugs, even though “drugs” can be the only explanation for the hallucinations they have about, well, basically everything.
Exhibit 7: “Pigs R Pigs!”
Ima: This would be The Three Little Pigs. Tea Partiers are offended by organized labor, which is obviously what it took for the pigs to have erected their dwellings in such a timely manner. And they are further affronted by the inappreciative pigs refusing to bow down to a big-ass wolf that is threatening to destroy everything that they own. The Tea Partiers bow down to rich-ass politicians that are planning to do the same thing in their own lives, so why shouldn’t everybody else have to bend over?
Exhibit 8: “Burn the Beenstock!”
Ima: Okay, this one’s a little murky, but we’re talking about Jack and the Beanstalk. Lots of things going on here. Climbing the beanstalk represents progress, something the TP’s are totally against at all costs. They also don’t like the concept of things living in the clouds, even though, last time I checked, that was still one of the end goals of their fundamentalist religion.
And the magic beans represent, well, magic. TP’s don’t like magic, that’s why they are so against the delightful Harry Potter books. But wait, didn’t Jesus turn water into wine and loaves into fishes, all that mess? I guess it’s only okay to do surprising things if you aren’t wearing a hood in an educational castle lit by torches. Then again, many of the TP ancestors did do horrific things while wearing a white hood and carrying torches. Hmm. We may have to come back to this one for further study.
Exhibit 9: “Billy Goats Ruff!”
Ima: Um, you’ll have to trust me that we can skip this one. I believe it has something to do with a tawdry barnyard love affair that resulted in some surprising abrasions. I think this guy is at the wrong rally.
Exhibit 10: “Goldyloks Go Home”
Ima: Okay, this would be Goldilocks and her exploratory mission into the home of the three bears, another strong woman that the Tea Partiers detest. She had the nerve to keep trying things out until she found things that were the most satisfying. This goes against everything a Tea Partier stands for. They don’t believe in change or variance, except when it comes to revising history to back up their ludicrous claims. It’s almost sad, but it’s mostly pathetic. Luckily, society always moves forward in the end, and the history books that the state of Texas have chopped up (let’s pretend that Thomas Jefferson didn’t exist!) will be revised once again to finally show that the Tea Party was one of the most unpatriotic things that ever happened in this country.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a hot shower. Even without actual physical contact with these lost souls who have proven that even Hell won’t return their calls, I feel really, really dirty…
(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 07/04/12. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post, even though the situation is the same.)