Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #311

SR 1311

The prosecuting attorney dramatically flourished Exhibit A: “As you can see by this photo, drug usage was rampant at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club in 1932!”

Defense Attorney: “And what, other than your well-known alcoholism, led you to this questionable conclusion?”

Prosecution: “First of all, we have Gilbert Roland vainly trying to cover the track marks on his arm! The guilt is oozing from every heroin-clogged pore on his body!”

Defense: “That’s preposterous. He could be doing anything. Scratching at a mosquito bite, rubbing a sore muscle from his own match earlier in the afternoon, or discretely flipping the bird at the Fox News photographer you hired to make something out of nothing. Besides, the phrase ‘track marks’ won’t be invented until later in this century so I object to your anachronistic terminology.”

Judge: “Sustained.”

Prosecution: “And then we have Constance Bennett, who is clearly smoking a marijuana cigarette and sporting opium glasses.”

Defense: “Opium glasses? Did you just pull that out of your ass? Those are sunglasses. Because this is southern California. Where it’s sunny.”

Prosecution: “You didn’t address the marijuana cigarette issue.”

Defense: “I didn’t address it because it looks like a regular cigarette. With tobacco. You know, that perfectly legal substance?”

Prosecution: “It’s hand-rolled!”

Defense: “And so were most cigarettes in 1932. Where the hell did you go to law school? Arkansas?”

Prosecution: “Your Honor, I object to the blaspheming of the glorious state of-”

Judge: “Overruled. Nobody can take Arkansas seriously because they will eventually be responsible for Mike Huckabee.”

Prosecution: “Fine. In my final example of blatant malfeasance, I direct your attention to the woman wearing the white hat. She is clearly Greta Garbo, and we all know that Greta is a recluse who never leaves her house!

Defense: “Greta won’t pull the Anne Frank routine for another ten years. What ARE you babbling about?”

Prosecution: “And Greta was born in Benghazi! Hillary Clinton needs to answer for this!”

Judge: “Okay, that’s it. I’m dismissing the case. Any sane person would realize that there are no merits in these accusations. Mr. Prosecutor, gather your little conspiracy papers and take your meds. You’re done here. Bailiff, please escort Ted Cruz out of the courtroom.”


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