“Hi. I’ll be playing Queen Guinevere in this movie. Well, I’m not actually a real queen, I’m a queen consort to King Arthur. This means I get to have better accommodations than the peasants, but I don’t have any real powers, unless I’m really good in bed. This sort of makes me the Royal Slut, which sounds kind of harsh, but back in the day there were only so many options for women. You either slept with men who could possibly protect you if they were feeling generous, or you got beheaded. Not a lot of choices in the daily planner.
Anyway, as for this movie, we’re having a bit of a budget issue. It’s an indie effort, and there’s limited funding, most of which the director drank away in Capri while doing storyboards. The costume department ran out of money after just doing my hair, so we’ll have to change the script a bit to make it believable that I would be wearing drab undergarments instead of ermine robes. And the prop department only made it thirty minutes into the shoot, so all we have to work with is this bench I’m sitting on, which practically screams “ribbed condom”, and the screen behind me, designed by a distant relative of M. C. Escher.
So, it would be mighty fine if you could donate a few dollars to keep this project going. If you do, I promise to sign autographs after the premiere showing, if such a thing ever happens in our lifetime. But you’ll need to bring your own pen and paper, because we can’t afford any.”
Categories: Past Imperfect