Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #309

SR 1309

Mary Pickford: “What do you mean this doesn’t look realistic?”

Douglas Fairbanks: “We’re supposed to be looking like the typical American family so the people in Kansas will go see our movies. How does any of this say any of that?”

Mary: “Well, we’re in a boat. People go boating.”

Douglas: “Not in their church clothes. And they don’t go boating in what is obviously a big-ass swimming pool. And they don’t say words like ‘boating’. Rich people say that.”

Mary: “It looks like a river. They won’t know the difference.”

Douglas: “What river has ladders on the sides? Wait, have you ever even been to a river?”

Mary: “Of course not. There’s no on there to serve you cocktails.”

Douglas: “And do you think they are not going to notice that mansion right over there? What common person lives in a house that big?”

Mary: “Lots of people. Orphans. Nuns. Wealthy criminals in minimum-security prisons.”

Douglas: “This just doesn’t sit right with me. We should be doing what poor people do, to show that we understand them and we don’t feel like we’re above them socially.”

Mary: “Well, I suppose you’re right. Should I ring for one of the maids and ask her how to look poor?”

Photographer:  “Okay, folks, time for some action shots. Can you maybe actually row the boat?”

Mary: “Are you insane?”

Douglas: “Could we call in the stunt doubles?”


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