Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #357

SR 1357

Douglass: “Mae, my sugar bunny, whatever is troubling you so?

Mae: “Oh, Douglass, the agony is so intense that I can barely speak!”

Douglass: “Now, now. Stop writhing like a Pentecostal. Tell me what has happened. Are you hurt? Is there some blood loss that I need to attend to?”

Mae: “I think I’m okay, physically. But the psychological damage is terrible, ripping me apart. I don’t know that I can go on.”

Douglass: “The children! Where are the children? Did you leave them at the park again?”

Mae: “The children are fine. I sent them to Mother’s just as soon as it happened. Why do you always have to make everything about you and your ability to procreate? Like I had nothing to do with it.”

Douglass: “See, now you’re misdirecting your hostility. We talked about this with Oprah. Let’s not focus on the darts you’re throwing and instead look at why you want to throw the darts. Do you remember the breathing exercises?”

Mae: “Oprah can sit on it and spin. I’ve been severely traumatized and you’re babbling about talk show hosts.”

Douglass: “I’m not the only one who is babbling at the moment.  But let’s talk you down. I’m here now. Mainly because I just got off work and I live in this house, but I’m also here for you. Tell me how this all started.”

Mae: “Well, I had just finished putting the frosting on the rum cake I baked this morning, and I thought I might relax for a few minutes and watch something on TV.”

Douglass: “I love the frosting you make for the rum cake. See, I’m offering support.”

Mae: “Rum cake doesn’t normally have frosting. I do that for you. The rum part is for me. Anyway, I checked to make sure that the children hadn’t destroyed anything of value, and then I settled in on the couch, turned on the TV, and began flipping through the two channels that we get in this nowhere town we’ve been trapped in ever since we stupidly had sex behind the barn dance and we had to get married and-”

Douglass: “Darts again. Let’s focus on what’s important. What did you see on the TV?”

Mae, pausing, tears brimming in her eyes: “It was… she was right there and I couldn’t move fast enough to turn the TV off and get the image out of my mind and… it was horrible, Douglass, unbearably horrible!”

Douglass: “Who? Who was on TV?”

Mae: “It was Sarah Palin!

Douglass: “Oh my GOD! You stay right there and don’t move. I’ll go call the pharmacist.”


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