10 Reasons Why

10 Types of People You Should Be Allowed to Slap Whenever You Want

Slap 2

Editor’s Note: I just stumbled across this in the archives. Apparently I was in a bit of a mood when I wrote this…

1. The people who turn left from the far-right lane.

Without using a turn signal. Or slowing down. Or even understanding what a turn is. There you are in your car, secretly listening to Milli Vanilli and singing all the words, when there they go, hurtling across 5 lanes of traffic, tires screeching in pain, and using the median to catapult them into the parking lot of Piggly Wiggly. Dude, there ain’t nothin’ up in there that you gotta have that bad. Relax.

2. Hyper people who insist on drinking gallons of coffee.

Look, you have got to put that cup down before somebody gets hurt. You are already so wired that your nipples are vibrating. There is no reason on this planet for you to continue sucking down the caffeine like a newborn calf that just figured out where the milk comes from. And you’re talking so fast and so high that I don’t even think they’ve given that decibel level a number yet. Can you not hear the dogs barking and running this way?

3. Complete strangers who think the mere fact that you are standing next to them in line at the burger joint makes you instant best friends.

“Isn’t that the cutest little blouse! I’d sure like to have me one of those. Where’d you get it? Do you think they still have more? Of course, I was talkin’ to Delilah Jean over at the Snip and Flip (she is the only one who can do a perm right in this town, you should go see her, really should) and she was sayin’ that stripes ain’t quite right for my figure, but I don’t know if I should listen to her cuz she does drink a little. And she married that man from Shreveport, and we all know how that’s gonna turn out, don’t we, sweetie?”

4. Otherwise-normal people who take one swig of alcohol and completely lose their minds.

One second, all demure and proper, being very pleasant and conversational. Half a beer and a transitional non-discreet belch later, they’re knocking things over, bellowing at people across the room, laughing at nothing, and trying to show cleavage. Two beers later they’re under the table, insisting on pinching everyone’s toes and singing a lusty ballad about a leprechaun and two pints of apple butter. Life is too short to deal with these people. Wait until you hear snoring, hand the waitress some money for cab fare should Belchetta arise from the dead before the next shift, and then run like the wind.

5. People who should really just go ahead and marry their smart phone.

I just don’t understand these folks that can no longer function in society unless they are fingering their device every two seconds. I haven’t seen that much personal affection for an inanimate object since a certain blue movie back in the day, one involving lusty farmhands, a variety of gardening implements, and some very limber recipients who have never run across something they can’t straddle.

6. People in neighboring cars who have their thumping radio turned up to meltdown levels.

Death is too good for you. End trans.

7. Tea-baggers.

I’m assuming no explanation is necessary.

8. Self-pity posting in social media.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had a bad day. Really. Hope it gets better. But now that we’re talking, I thought I should point out something. Every single day seems to suck for you. You know what this means? You’re doing something wrong in your life. Uh huh. So stop doing whatever that is. And then you won’t be so blue. Yay!

P.S. But let’s not post again until you’ve managed to make the mean people go away, okay? That will make everyone smile. If you’re not sure what “smiling” is, I can provide a link. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

9. The clueless parents who don’t understand that their poorly-supervised child could possibly destroy civilization as we know it.

Dear Mom and Dad, at the next table in this fine restaurant. Your offspring is currently terrorizing the rest of us with his screaming, throwing of utensils, and general ability to help folks comprehend why some animals eat their young. All of which you are ignoring as if Damian was not dining with you. Perhaps you should know that I’m not from that Hillary village where everyone joyously assists in the platonic upraising of a child. I’m from the village down the road, where we firmly believe that people who did not participate in the conception of a child should not have to suffer in any way. Would you like a brochure?

10. The eye-witness idiots they always manage to interview on the nightly news.

“I seen everything! Sure did. I was up in the car with all of my nine babies and I was tryin’ to remember they daddy names, ’cause I got bills, sure do, and the tire fell off the car, almos’ broke my other tooth, and here come some man, runnin’. Why he runnin’ ain’t my mess, he just runnin’, all I know, and here come another man and… Joe Dean Three, quit hittin’ on your sister, she tender-headed!… and that other man had him a crowbar. Well, that don’t look good, no sir, don’t never wanna man with a crowbar behind ya, learned that when I was knee-high. And then BAM, runnin’ man ain’t runnin’ no more. Laid out like a split possum, he was. Said a prayer to Jesus, I did…. Can I say happy birthday to my momma? She in prison, but they get the TV up in there.”

Reporter: “That’s a very interesting story. Can I get your name for the record?”

“Mary. Mary Fallin. Governor of Oklahoma.”

“Thank you, Mary.”


(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 07/29/11, revised and updated with only minimal extra flair for this post.)


34 replies »

  1. ROFLMAO! I love this…too priceless…and the picture at the top is sheer perfection.

    Yes, yes, and yes…all of the people in your list should be slapped, hard and often, every time they engage in these transgressions!

    Speaking of crappy drivers, how about those people who tail-gate you for five miles on a 4-lane highway, even if you’re pushing 85 mph. Suddenly, they whip out from behind you on the left-hand side, highball past, then whip in front of you without using a turn-signal, crossing two lanes to get to an exit ramp on the right-hand side, that they could have sanely and responsibly driven off while staying behind you…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know exactly what you mean, with the highballers doing extraordinarily stupid things. There’s absolutely no reason for it, but these fools have some misplaced aggression percolating away in their dimly-lit brain stems, and they accept no responsibility for being Jackass of the Year. In a just and sane world, I would be able to whip out my smart phone, safely take a quick pic of said jackass proving that evolution DOES stop in certain families, hit the submit button, and three minutes later the Neanderthal is being yanked out of his car and hauled off to Ye Olde Correctional Facility for Useless Twit-Licks. I know this won’t happen, but I can dream, and it’s the dreams that keep me moving forward… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Can you stand one more example of people who need a good smack in the gob?

        People in cyberspace who assume that they can tell the gender, ethnicity, nationality, and / or sexual orientation of a person by only reading one sentence on a blog…I must have missed the memo telling me exactly how to act so as to not confuse people, LMAO!

        I think that there’s a lot to be said for being mysterious and difficult to read, and it isn’t about trying to hide anything – I’m just a private person and don’t think that I need to hang everything out there for the world to see…

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ugh, that makes me testy as well, the quick judgments and assumptions. If I DID get an email outlining how I am expected to behave, that thing would be vaporized within seconds. I’ve forged my own path for 50 years, why change the game plan now? And yes, I like being mysterious and holding my cards as well, because if you share everything all at once, what are you going to talk about for the rest of your relationship? 😉

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I am officially your number 1 fan! That is by and large THE funniest thing I have ever read. I will be laughing until next week at the very least! I found myself reading it with an American accent too! Nice one 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Lizzie! I really had a lot of fun writing this one, especially those bits with our crazy American accents. For me, the funniest writing is when you keep it as close the the truth as possible, but then nudge it just the tiniest bit toward absurdity… 😉


    • I really like that phrase, “The Jersey Slash”. (I would imagine that the fine people of Jersey do not, but I would assume that they are already in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot and didn’t hear you say it.) I might have to steal that term, especially since it sounds like a very provocative blog post title. Hmmm, my mind is already clicking…

      Liked by 1 person

    • In a weak John Lennon paraphrase: So all you are saying, is give the piece a chance?… 😉 (Side note to the gun control advocates, of which I am a member: This was just sarcasm, not reality. My inbox is full enough as it is.)

      Liked by 1 person

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