Editor’s Note: I just stumbled across this in the archives. Apparently I was in a bit of a mood when I wrote this…
1. The people who turn left from the far-right lane.
Without using a turn signal. Or slowing down. Or even understanding what a turn is. There you are in your car, secretly listening to Milli Vanilli and singing all the words, when there they go, hurtling across 5 lanes of traffic, tires screeching in pain, and using the median to catapult them into the parking lot of Piggly Wiggly. Dude, there ain’t nothin’ up in there that you gotta have that bad. Relax.
2. Hyper people who insist on drinking gallons of coffee.
Look, you have got to put that cup down before somebody gets hurt. You are already so wired that your nipples are vibrating. There is no reason on this planet for you to continue sucking down the caffeine like a newborn calf that just figured out where the milk comes from. And you’re talking so fast and so high that I don’t even think they’ve given that decibel level a number yet. Can you not hear the dogs barking and running this way?
3. Complete strangers who think the mere fact that you are standing next to them in line at the burger joint makes you instant best friends.
“Isn’t that the cutest little blouse! I’d sure like to have me one of those. Where’d you get it? Do you think they still have more? Of course, I was talkin’ to Delilah Jean over at the Snip and Flip (she is the only one who can do a perm right in this town, you should go see her, really should) and she was sayin’ that stripes ain’t quite right for my figure, but I don’t know if I should listen to her cuz she does drink a little. And she married that man from Shreveport, and we all know how that’s gonna turn out, don’t we, sweetie?”
4. Otherwise-normal people who take one swig of alcohol and completely lose their minds.
One second, all demure and proper, being very pleasant and conversational. Half a beer and a transitional non-discreet belch later, they’re knocking things over, bellowing at people across the room, laughing at nothing, and trying to show cleavage. Two beers later they’re under the table, insisting on pinching everyone’s toes and singing a lusty ballad about a leprechaun and two pints of apple butter. Life is too short to deal with these people. Wait until you hear snoring, hand the waitress some money for cab fare should Belchetta arise from the dead before the next shift, and then run like the wind.
5. People who should really just go ahead and marry their smart phone.
I just don’t understand these folks that can no longer function in society unless they are fingering their device every two seconds. I haven’t seen that much personal affection for an inanimate object since a certain blue movie back in the day, one involving lusty farmhands, a variety of gardening implements, and some very limber recipients who have never run across something they can’t straddle.
6. People in neighboring cars who have their thumping radio turned up to meltdown levels.
Death is too good for you. End trans.
I’m assuming no explanation is necessary.
8. Self-pity posting in social media.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had a bad day. Really. Hope it gets better. But now that we’re talking, I thought I should point out something. Every single day seems to suck for you. You know what this means? You’re doing something wrong in your life. Uh huh. So stop doing whatever that is. And then you won’t be so blue. Yay!
P.S. But let’s not post again until you’ve managed to make the mean people go away, okay? That will make everyone smile. If you’re not sure what “smiling” is, I can provide a link. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
9. The clueless parents who don’t understand that their poorly-supervised child could possibly destroy civilization as we know it.
Dear Mom and Dad, at the next table in this fine restaurant. Your offspring is currently terrorizing the rest of us with his screaming, throwing of utensils, and general ability to help folks comprehend why some animals eat their young. All of which you are ignoring as if Damian was not dining with you. Perhaps you should know that I’m not from that Hillary village where everyone joyously assists in the platonic upraising of a child. I’m from the village down the road, where we firmly believe that people who did not participate in the conception of a child should not have to suffer in any way. Would you like a brochure?
10. The eye-witness idiots they always manage to interview on the nightly news.
“I seen everything! Sure did. I was up in the car with all of my nine babies and I was tryin’ to remember they daddy names, ’cause I got bills, sure do, and the tire fell off the car, almos’ broke my other tooth, and here come some man, runnin’. Why he runnin’ ain’t my mess, he just runnin’, all I know, and here come another man and… Joe Dean Three, quit hittin’ on your sister, she tender-headed!… and that other man had him a crowbar. Well, that don’t look good, no sir, don’t never wanna man with a crowbar behind ya, learned that when I was knee-high. And then BAM, runnin’ man ain’t runnin’ no more. Laid out like a split possum, he was. Said a prayer to Jesus, I did…. Can I say happy birthday to my momma? She in prison, but they get the TV up in there.”
Reporter: “That’s a very interesting story. Can I get your name for the record?”
“Mary. Mary Fallin. Governor of Oklahoma.”
“Thank you, Mary.”
(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 07/29/11, revised and updated with only minimal extra flair for this post.)
Categories: 10 Reasons Why