Video Review

The Unhappy Possibilities of Flying Goldfish: Kelly Clarkson – “My Life Would Suck Without You”

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We start out with Kelly sitting on a swing in a park, barefoot and smiling to herself, probably because she just sold another million copies of her latest album in the last twenty minutes. At first it appears she’s watching some young kids frolic about, but then you quickly realize that it’s daytime in their park and night-time in hers. So either she has super-vision and can see really far, like across continents, or these things did not take place at the same time.

The kids are doing something with a bracelet, but it’s not real clear what that might be. (It’s never clear what kids are doing, as if they all signed a secret directive to do bizarre things just for the annoyance factor.) Perhaps they are making a pact of friendship, or maybe it’s a livestock transaction in Ancient Greece. Whatever the case, the necklace is very sparkly and pretty and it’s somewhat understandable why it might be necessary to do important things with it.

Now Kelly is wearing that same bracelet, only we’ve switched scenes and she’s in an apartment (presumably hers, she’s got enough cash to own a few), answering the door. It’s some guy, and she waves keys in front of him and then runs all over the house while he tries to catch her. It’s possible that they might be trying to reinvigorate a temporary lull in the bedroom with some impromptu role-playing, but the guy certainly looks more irritated than horny.

More shots of Kelly in the night-time swing again. She must like it there. This is probably where she goes to calm down when Clive Davis questions her song choices despite her stellar track record and a trunk-load of awards. Or maybe her apartment gets really crappy reception and the park is the only place where she can order a pizza on her cellphone.

Speaking of the apartment, we head back over there, where the “catch me if you can” roundelay has apparently reached the “I’m over this” threshold, with Kelly hurling the set of keys into the toilet. I’m guessing there will be no nookie tonight, although somebody’s hand will definitely be getting wet at some point.

And then bam, Kelly’s on a concert stage singing the chorus. (Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all do this when we have domestic issues? Cut away to song and dance instead of doing something stupid and the police show up?) Kelly Girl looks hawt, though, with the lights and the wind machine and the zooming cameras. This is much more enjoyable than people swinging and running and plunging critical items into commodes.

Sadly, the chorus eventually ends, and we’re back in the Apartment of Uncertain Relationship Status. Kelly and the Keyless Dude are calmly sitting on a couch, perusing magazines, so maybe they have worked things out. But this détente only lasts about two seconds before she decides he’s been reading too much or something and snatches away his Juggs magazine. Then she hits him with it and throws it out the window. She mean.

More shots of her swinging in that park. (Note to the video director: We got it. Kelly really likes being alone and airborne in dark places, probably due to something in her childhood that may have required therapy but there was no money in the family budget. Let’s move on to some different symbolism, shall we?)

Apartment again: He throws something of hers out the window, or at least I think he does, I can’t really tell because her hair is in the way. Then she’s racing through the apartment, grabbing up other things of his and chunking ‘em out the window. Come on, people. Is all of this aggressive activity really necessary? There are more discreet ways to handle a rocky relationship, such as getting out of it.

It’s time for the song chorus again, so we head back to the concert stage, where we get a little relief from the dysfunctional duo. Sadly, the images of Hawt Kelly vocalizing are intercut with updates from the Jerry Springer Condo, where the two of them are still cleaning out the closets and flinging crap into the street. Kelly even gets dangerously close to throwing a fishbowl, with live fish, out the window. And we would have to hate her a little bit if she did that, even if it’s only a pretend music video, because that’s just wrong. Bad Kelly.

Dude Man saves the day by snatching out the guppy (isn’t that a Jamaican song?) at the last second. Regardless of the save at the buzzer, Kelly launches Nemo’s home out the window anyway. (And Dude Man is fine with her doing so once he has Nemo transferred to a shot glass, both of them leaning out said window to watch the plummet.) Are these people not thinking about who might be walking below that window? Nice grandma on her way to the retirement center, lugging freshly-baked strudel, and WHACK. Wetness and death. This is a really mean video.

Then we have the quiet part of the song where Kelly realizes she can’t let Dude Man go. Of course not. Otherwise he would testify against her in the inevitable domestic violence lawsuit. And he saved the guppy, not her. Her situation is not going to read well with the jury, and she’d be paying some big money to settle that one. At the end of the day, most relationships are about simple economics.

So now they’re all happy, pretense or otherwise, and as a celebration they decide to go ride around in a jeep, which is what all reunited couples immediately think of doing. This development is quite convenient from a cinematic perspective, because it means that Kelly can whip her hair around in the wind and he can look cool wearing shades. (Quick shot of the famous bracelet hanging from the rear-view mirror, so I guess there was no livestock swap.)

We roll into the chorus again, which translates into mixed shots of Kelly’s hair on stage and Kelly’s hair in the jeep. Things go sour in that jeep when the couple apparently gets lost (destination unknown, but still) and they naturally start a fight about it. Kelly hits him again, this time with the map. Girl needs some anger management classes.

All this bickering causes him to lose control of the jeep, and although there’s no real danger, they do end up in a gravel parking lot where dust gets everywhere and they aren’t so pretty anymore. I guess the horrifying possibility that she might be dirty AND single is too much for her, so Kelly grabs the guy and they kiss.

And then we’re done. Did you learn a lot? I did: If you encounter barefoot people swinging and singing in a park at midnight, get the hell out of there…

 

Click here to watch this video on YouTube.

Originally posted on Backup Dancers From Hell.

 

8 replies »

  1. ROFLMAO!!!

    Best lines:

    “I’m guessing there will be no nookie tonight, although somebody’s hand will definitely be getting wet at some point.”

    “…this détente only lasts about two seconds before she decides he’s been reading too much or something and snatches away his Juggs magazine. Then she hits him with it and throws it out the window. She mean.”

    XD

    Liked by 2 people

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