Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #417


Bette: “Hmm. Just as I suspected, the gardener did not trim the begonias as I instructed.”

Joan: “How on Earth can you be thinking about flowers at a time like this? You are keeping me prisoner in this house as we both struggle through a movie script that will hopefully resuscitate our careers.”

Bette: “Our careers? Oh, Joan, I didn’t take this part for a jump start. I took it because I wanted you to suffer.”

Joan: “Suffer? I’m already doing that by having to sit in a fake wheelchair next to you.”

Bette: “Good. Maybe next time you won’t be such a wretched tramp and sleep with my husband.”

Joan: “Your husband? Somebody married you?”

Bette: “Of course I’ve been married. Several times, actually. How do you think I got my children? I certainly didn’t order them on eBay like you did.”

Joan: “Don’t judge me for that, I simply took advantage of the free shipping. Besides, I never slept with your husband. Wait, what did he look like?”

Bette: “He had a penis. Isn’t that your only criteria?”

Joan: “Well, if vodka was involved, yes. But still, I didn’t sleep with every man I met. There simply isn’t time in the day.”

Bette: “Oh, I’m sure you didn’t. There must have been one or two who took one look at your eyebrows and escaped into the night.”

Joan: “My eyebrows? Mine are real. Yours were clearly created by a morphine addict who didn’t know what part of your body he was accenting.”

Director Robert Aldrich, wandering back from having also slept with one of Bette’s husbands: “Ladies, there appears to be a bit of dissension on the set. Do we need to take a break?”

Bette: “Of course not. I’m a professional. Unlike Va-Joan-a over there.”

Joan: “We’re both professionals, dearest Bob. Just at different things. Let’s get this done before her eyebrows drip off.”


15 replies »

  1. You have to stop surreptitiously taking photos of me side eyeing my colleague as she is click clacking in high heels. We have a soft shoe policy (fire safety). And I cannot deal with high pitched voices at any hour of the day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember her from “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” I always wondered what she smelled…if Ms. Joanie in the chair there had a little accident or something. And that movie was responsible for me beginning to understand the dynamics of my mother’s family. Ma’s ‘baby’ sister (played by Bette) and she (Ma) (Joan) did those exact same things with each other sans wheelchairs and sparkling dialogue. Their oldest sister did a fade when I was too young to remember. She always was a bit more sensible than the two I parody. If one had forced them to stay in the same house and care for each other, I’d never have been born, as well as my siblings and cousins who sprang from the brief friendly encounters each sister had with their husbands…. it was my dad’s birthday after all….and I understand Uncle got lucky after plying auntie with grain alcohol. Most of my female cousins and I (I’m an only girl..lucky me – got brothers instead of sisters and thus lopped off the trend toward catty or bitchy ((depends on if you are a cat or dog person, see?) behavior that my mother and her sisters fostered), my cousins and I all (except one and she’s always been real odd) never reproduced. We are traumatized by being raised by women who got their ideas of family ‘togetherness’ from movies like Baby Jane. Pray for us!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Holy cow, that’s enough information right there to write a good book and possibly a sequel or two. I might have to convince you to sit down and flesh this one out. I’ll be your agent and we’ll make millions. Or at least get a good chuckle out of it. Now you’ve got me wondering what movie best captured my own family dynamics, but I’m not sure one has even been made as no one would believe the script.Say. maybe we could make this a joint project. We’ll set the story with both our families living next to each other, and you I can narrate from out bedroom windows that happen to be across from one another… 😉


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