Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #423


Charley, middle: “Now, look here, Buford. This here’s what we call a ‘woman’. They can be quite nice to have around if you know what to do with them.”

Buford: “Why I gotta have one of those?”

Charley: “They can make you happy. They can cook and they can clean and…  take care of your manly needs.”

Buford: “I take care of my needs just fine. There’s a whole barn full a-”

Charley: “I told you not to bring that up. The women folk don’t understand the call of the barnyard like we do. Now, introduce yourself and say somethin’ nice.”

Buford: “I ain’t talkin’ to her, ever.”

Charley: “Buford, don’t be treatin’ your cousin like that or I’m gonna whap you upside the head. Say ‘hey’ to her.”

Buford, reluctant: “Hey, woman.”

Charley: “Good. Now say the somethin’ nice part.”

Buford: “You… you don’t smell too bad.”

Charley, sighing: “Well, I suppose that’s as good as it’s gonna get, for now.” He turns toward the woman. “Okay, that wraps up the courtin’ ceremony. You ready to get hitched?”

Bufordeena: “I just have one question.”

Charley: “Oh, they didn’t tell me you would have questions. But go ahead, I reckon.”

Bufordeena: “Does he have a 401k?”

Charley: “Honey, he never even made it to pre-k. Ain’t no money with this mess.”

Bufordeena: “I see. Well, this has been quite lovely and all, but I believe I’ll keep wearin’ white for a bit longer. I think Buford made a wise choice by not settin’ his goals outside the barn. Y’all have a nice day, and I’ll tell Momma that you both got your health and we’ll see ya at the Cabbage Festival. Bye now!”


10 replies »

  1. No wonder there’s so many miserable, single, thirty something narcissistic gents out there with more goo in their hair than a long shampoo aisle at Winn Dixie and wearing enough man-whore cologne to stank up and weaponize the air in an elevator…

    Liked by 1 person

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