1. Thank you for choosing to fly with us today.
2. You know, it’s proper etiquette that you knock before you just barge in here.
3. What are your thoughts on public nudity?
4. Did you know that serial killers really like to push buttons that light up?
5. I don’t understand why it’s never the right floor when the doors open.
6. Because I’m free. Free as I’ll ever be.
7. Will you be my Facebook friend?
8. I couldn’t help but noticing that both of your shoes are the same color.
9. I sure hope the oxygen masks work this time.
10. If you stop on every floor, you get a candy bar.
11. We go together, like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong. We sure do.
12. I would have taken the stairs, but Jesus told me I shouldn’t. Not today.
14. Would you like the rest of my bagel?
15. If the elevator falls, and you jump at just the right time, you won’t get hurt.
16. I don’t understand the difference between rice pudding and tapioca pudding.
17. Did you know that 4 out of 5 dentists recommended my gum?
18. Well, at least the mother ship can’t track me in here.
19. Would you mind if I interviewed you for my website?
20. In certain Asian cultures, it’s traditional to exchange parting gifts.
21. This is the only part of the day when I’m not allowed to drink.
22. I finally found out what a disco stick is. If you pay me five bucks, I’ll tell you.
23. I bet I could lay down on this floor and touch all four walls.
24. You never know where you’re gonna get a rash.
25. I hope they don’t lose my luggage again.
26. Why would anyone be proud of being a walrus?
27. It’s okay if you don’t want to say anything and just stare at the floor. I’ll understand. I’m just as embarrassed about what happened that day at the Piggly Wiggly as you are.
28. Did you notice that there’s not a #13 on this list?
29. I’m so glad we had this time together. Just to have a laugh, or sing a song. Even though you don’t seem to be laughing. Or singing. But still, ear tug.
30. If you concentrate really hard, you can feel the building moving instead of us. They don’t want you to know that part.
31. I’m still trying to figure out where I’m supposed to put my money.
(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/10/12 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 10/11/13, minimally revised and updated with extra flair for this post.)
Categories: 10 Reasons Why
I couldn’t believe it. I stayed at the Double Tree in New Orleans and it had a floor 13?! I guess they decided screw the superstitious! 😉 These are hilarious by the way.
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That does seem a bit odd that a hotel in NOLA would have a thirteenth floor. That place is all about suspicion, which is one of the many reasons why I love going there… 😉
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yes I was so caught off guard by it I said something, though the stranger in the elevator did not appreciate my engaging in conversation with him. Guess I should have used one of your lines instead. 😉
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Then, two minutes later, both of you were swilling cocktails at one of the myriad hole-in-the-wall nightclubs, swearing to be best friends forever. Because that’s NOLA as well. Unless you don’t drink, in which case the friendship bracelets might not have been exchanged so exuberantly… 😉
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You could mention Trump, but that would be a downer.
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True enough, but my guesstimation is that by 2018 nobody in the Republican party will want to mention Trump, because denial of responsibility is now a hallmark of that party…
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Okay, these have all been copied and put into my blog-notes. Don’t worry. I’ll split the residuals with you. 😉
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I am completely confident that I can trust in your honest splitting, because if we don’t have that, then our time in Paris will prove meaningless, and that just won’t work when we publish our respective memoirs… 😉
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Oh, that says ‘respective’. I thought it said respectful, and figured we were both in trouble. 😆
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If I say these things on the elevator – just how quickly do I get committed … or is it arrested? Cheers 🍸
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I once said, “Oooh… I’m jetlagged” after reaching to the penthouse floor of an office building. The person standing next to me was the bankster who owned it. He burst out laughing. Ha ha ha ha
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But the bigger question is, did he invite you inside to admire the view?
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The invitation came from a tenant. That’s why I was given access to the elevator. The view was very good.
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Hilarious Brian!
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Thanks!
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And our day begins👌
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🙂
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#30 would be a great one if the person in the elevator with you was a stoner!
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Yes, that would be the perfect target victim…
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Two days ago when a man in the elevator mentioned how cold it was, I told him I couldn’t wait to get in my car and blast the heat on my feet because they were freezing. He gave me an odd look and didn’t talk to me again. TMI, ya think?
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Well, he shouldn’t initiate a conversation if he can’t take the… heat…
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bahahaha!
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24 is the keeper and the best short story opening line in weeks.
32. I usually save the weaponized SBDs for friends, but since there’s so many of you in here to share with…
33. (Reserved for thirty something man whores) Do you have a card? I’ll bet with all that stuff in your hair and the two buck cologne it would be cheaper and more effective to hire you to stand around my laundry room once a quarter than pay the bug man.
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And the short story could be followed by a sequel, “How Did I Get a Hair There?” Hell, let’s make it a trilogy, with “I Have a Birthmark That Looks Like Mt. Rushmore”. Or maybe not. And I do admire your additional suggests, especially #33 and the benevolent way in which it provides a fallback career for man whores everywhere. You’re a saint, Phil. A saint! 😉
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https://philh52.wordpress.com/2017/01/12/if-it-itches/ Thanks! I needed a kick start.
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My personal favorite is #3 – public nudity. Imagine their reaction! Unless of course they ARE nudists, and then… oh dear. Um… maybe I’ll skip that one. 🙂
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Oh, just run with it. You might meet some really nice people! But if things get a bit adventurous, be sure to toss your thong over the security camera, because people talk… 😉
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😂🙌🏻 Thanks for these great tips but I’ll save them up and pass them forward cos no way will you ever find me in a lift! 😱
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Ah, another intriguing piece of the Chris Enigma. Hmm… 😉
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😄
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Ha ha ha ha. This is great. Here’s another:
I don’t think I can hold it any longer.
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For added flair, hold your knees together and make whimpering sounds… 😉
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Ha. That will do it. 🙂
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My personal favourite is #25.
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Especially if you heighten the drama by pulling out an old baggage claim ticket and pretending to study it carefully…
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I have never laughed so hard! This list is incredible. I would love to say any of these things when in an elevator because I am certain the reactions would be priceless. Do these same suggestions also work on public transportation? Just curious.
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Throughout my many years of trying to throw people off (it’s a calling, can’t help it), I have gleaned the important fact that if you compose it, they will come. Witty but absurd commentary, done right, will translate into almost any situation that does not involve a grand jury trying to decide if they should pursue criminal charges…
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You are absolutely correct, my friend.
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Any tips on how to remember these for when I’m next in an elevator? Absolutely great, all of them!
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Just allow your inner muse to speak to you, and then repeat everything she says… 😉
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That could get me in a lot of trouble.
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Fun times ahead! I can’t resist talking to people in lifts and now I have a brand new collection of opening lines- Thanks Brian!
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I’m here to serve… 😉
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No15…. yup, that’s mh theory 🙂
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And a good theory, indeed. 😉
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It’s how you say them that determines whether you get committed … or asked to dinner.
Trust me.
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Good point. Tone and inflection decide everything… 😉
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I liked No. 7. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s somebody in the world who goes about gathering all their FB “friends” that way, 😉
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And now you know my secret… 😉
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Haha –
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This list made my day. Especially number twenty-five about the luggage.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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#8, priceless!
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And the look on their faces…. “wait a minute… HAVE I been doing this wrong all these years?…hmm…”
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I was laughing over at Diana’s blog and thought I would come here and finish the list! I think all of these might get you put in the Looney Tunes bin. I especially think lying down touching all four walls would do it! The singing part would get you, too. 😀
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We all have our own little light to share. Sometimes it’s not a pretty light, but still… 😉
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Hi. You don’t know me. But I’m here to thank you (Chocolate? Flowers? Booze?) for making my entire day. I know that might sound a tad pathetic but I’m really okay with it. I do honestly dislike the whole “LOL” thing but a proper LOL to you, good sir. Thank you for this.
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It doesn’t sound pathetic to me, at all. I think people who arrive bearing gifts are the best kind of people who arrive. I’m glad you enjoyed your visit, and hopefully you’ll bring me something shiny every day! 😉
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Lol… Gotta try remember a couple of these! 😀
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Run with it and have fun! 😉
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😀 I will.
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Brilliant 💥🚀 Love this post~
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Thank you!
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These are a riot! 🙂
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Thank you!
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Hilarious, Brian. You made my day. 😀 — Suzanne
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I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Bahaha! “Would you like the rest of my bagel?” Next time I’m in an elevator, I’m buying a bagel beforehand JUST so I can use that line.
I didn’t even notice there wasn’t a #13 on this list. Very clever, you.
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The Bagel Strategy is a very effective tool for maintaining crowd control in enclosed spaces… 😉
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Well, I learned an important lesson today. Do not have a mouthful of pizza when reading your posts. When I got to #23 I didn’t know whether to choke or spit it out as my laugh reflex was about to let loose. Thankfully tragedy avoided. They were all good but I have to choose #4, 23 and 30 as my faves. 😆
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Hey, Steph. I’m glad you liked this, but yes, the Surgeon General strongly advises that pizza should not be consumed whilst navigating the more twisted corners of this blog. The Surgeon General also advises that I might need to seek therapy, but I think that’s getting a bit pushy… 😉
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😁
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#7 so true, it’s not funny lol
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Right? So many people are seeking validation instead of offering it…
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These are all great!
https://anastasiagregory.com/
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Thanks, Anastasia!
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