10 Reasons Why

20 Random Thoughts While Desperately Cleaning the House Before Guests Arrive

shed-06172016-2

1. “We are apparently complete and total pigs. How in the hell did peanut butter get on the ceiling? What happens in this house when I’m not looking?

2. “Scrubbing bathroom floors takes a certain will to live.”

3. “It’s really sad when your ‘hide everything in here for now’ drawer progresses to two drawers, then a closet, then the guest bedroom, then your own bedroom, and finally, the saddest place of all, the garage. Because once something goes in there, you will never see it again until you move.”

4. “I can’t confirm what happened on this kitchen floor here, but it looks like David Hasselhoff was outwitted by another cheeseburger.”

5. “Oh, there’s the phone bill that I swore I never got. Hmm. Guess I shouldn’t have had that account rep fired. Oh well, life is full of learning opportunities.”

6. “I’m never going in that closet again. Life’s too short.”

7. “That’s not a dust bunny. That’s a WMD.”

8. “Holy cow. Is that really an 8-track player? Right there. Next to the macramé owl, the plaid bell-bottoms, and a wrinkled copy of the Constitution before fanatical conservatives lost their minds and started hacking away at all the good parts?”

9. “Clearly, the concept of cleanliness in this house runs from ‘everything in its place’ to ‘I’ll just drop this right here, I‘m done with it’.”

10. “Perhaps it’s better not to know how the underwear got in the china cabinet.”

11. “I would have chosen a totally different career path if someone had sat me down as a youngster and said ‘Cleaning house really, really sucks. Pay more attention in school and make enough money to hire a staff.’”

12. “There are enough cat toys under this couch to defend a small country.”

13. “Why is there a 30-foot extension cord under this bed? What kind of vibrator needs that much mobility? Does it come with a roll bar?”

14. “That is not a giant pile of dirty laundry. It’s performance art.”

15. “Surely the headline on that dusty stack of newspapers does not say Oklahoma Joins the Union!

16. “Why am I always finding strange hair in the shower drain that doesn’t match any of the known occupants of this house? Is there somebody here that I’ve forgotten about?”

17. “I think something in the fridge has come back to life. I can hear whispering and tiny hammering.”

18. “I wholeheartedly affirm that one day I will tend to the ancient tower of porn magazines in the special drawer. Just not today, it’s too soon. Sweet dreams were made of that.”

19. “Furthermore, I solemnly swear to one day sweep off the patio. There are leaves out there that fell when the Mayflower bumped into Plymouth Rock.”

20. “And finally, I promise to never let the house get this bad again. Ever. But I know that such a promise is an empty lie, as do the guests just now knocking on the front door, pulling cobwebs from their hair and standing in total darkness because the porch light has been burned out since the first moon landing…”

 

(Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/07/11 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 10/14/13. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.

Story behind the photo: This is a snap of the interior of one of our sheds in the backyard. It’s truly a crime scene. I whipped open the door, quickly took the shot before something attacked me, and then I slammed the door, thus explaining the poor composition of the image. It’s hard to be artistic when you fear for your life.)

 

41 replies »

  1. Yeah… We’ve all been there, even the most fanatical cleaners. Unless you’re staying in a one room apartment, cleaning up the house is just one huge chore, a thankless job and an unpaid one too. Now, who would wanna do it? 😕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Greatest giggle of the day! I’m also relieved my fridge isn’t the only that sounds like its coming back to life with its own dialect I have yet to decipher. And I loved number 14 – performance art, I’m going to use that as my excuse to never fold laundry again!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oklahoma’s in?? That’s it, I’m out! 😉
    I published a post, explaining how peanut butter got on my sister’s ceiling, but I seem to have misplaced it. I’m sure you’ll find it. You’re a much better cleaner than I am. 😆

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am currently having people clean up the house too and while some people do the upgrade of the cctv; as i sat down to have a break here i went over this post…so funny cos i am myself experiencing some of the items enumerated…guess your not alone..

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I loved this more than words can express. I couldn’t even pick a favorite line I loved it so much. Okay, maybe it was “10. “Perhaps it’s better not to know how the underwear got in the china cabinet.” When I first started dating my first husband I once– and ONLY once– cleaned his apartment. There were cobwebs on the kitchen counter and I found a pair of men’s briefs in the fireplace. He and his roommate referred to themselves as bears with major appliances. Enough said.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hilarious! The first rule, though is….NEVER have company. LOLOL
    I keep my house relatively tidy but now and when I lived in Florida, there is one room I never enter. It is my sewing/quilting room. I gave it up four years ago and I will never make another quilt. Too many bad memories.
    I always tell people “hell, there could be somebody living back there and I’d never know it.”
    (Oh, and I usually keep my panties on….so I know where they are.) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • True, agreeing to allow people to enter my Fortress of Solitude is the first mistake. But really, I generally keep a fairly tidy house. It’s just that when I know people will soon be traipsing through and poking their noses, I get a little bit fanatical about appearances. I guess this is the aftereffect of my childhood, when we didn’t have the cleanest house in the world and I was sometimes ashamed on those rare occasions when friends would come over. Still and all, I’m glad that your panties are secure and accounted for. Good for you! 😉

      Like

    • Although I’m happy that you enjoyed the post, I must admit that I’m cursing you just a tiny bit for daring to suggest that people visit my house more often. Putting this idea in print could cause some type of karmic variance, resulting in a butterfly effect that has hordes of friends and relatives lining up on the horizon to invade my domicile. Oh, the terror… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oops, sorry, Brian but in my defence if you’re as entertaining in person as on the printed page frankly I’m surprised there’s not swathes of coach parties arriving each and every hour. Obviously I don’t speak from experience but it is an excuse I’ve readily used to divert and postpone family or hurried visitors into finishing their drinks before helping them into their hats and coats. I’m not a professional family advisor but am happy for you to adopt my strategies 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Each time we do a massive cleaning prior to guests arriving, I stand in the kitchen and announce to the family that we are keeping the house like this from now on. By day 2, the dining room chairs have reverted back to coat racks and the number of pairs of shoes in the hallway would suggest the Brady Bunch lived here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You got me with the “Brady Bunch” bit. And as for the dining room chairs, except for the brief interludes when we inanely allow people over, the chairs are always loaded down with things that do not belong there, including one of the cats. There’s nothing quite like attempting to sit down and enjoy some reheated pasta and the chair suddenly hisses at you… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! But hold up, ONE closet? I would have an anxiety attack in that environment. Granted, I have an older home, so the “closets” are really just cubby holes with doors, but at least there are several of them scattered about for those frantic “just hide this in there before somebody rings the doorbell” moments… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I once knew a woman who told me that when her husband proposed, she told him, “I don’t clean, so we must have a maid. There’s no compromising on this.” He agreed, so she said yes.
    My only wish was that I met her sooner. Alas, her wisdom came too late for me. (I shall spare you the current condition of my bathroom floor.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish I had met that woman and her wisdom as well. It would have prevented so much heartache, especially now that I am retired and “someone” thinks I should do all the housework. Clearly, my mate has a different concept of “retired” than I do. (And yes, let’s not speak of bathroom floors. We have centuries-old tile in our comfort stations, so a quick run with the mop doesn’t cut it. I’m down on my knees with a toothbrush and bleach, begging the ancient grout to release the buildup it holds so dear…)

      Liked by 1 person

  9. My wife told me on the front end that she was “housework challenged” and not to expect any of that. Being a modern guy I said “Cool.” She never mentioned that after the vows came a hungry, filthy small human, three hungrier, large, longhaired dogs and enough white cat fur to turn any sweater into a lovely fake angora. So I tiled the entire house and paint the baseboards twice a year. you can almost still make out the grooves in the millwork. #16? When your partner’s brother came and stayed with you, to apply for that job he didn’t get. In 2009.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I admire your wife for the honest front end, as most of us lie and hide during the courtship phase and then trouble eventually ensues. I’ve never had the love-challenge of raising a tiny human, so I can’t speak to that, but there have been many furry children over the years, and the furniture has the scars to prove it. And thanks for the heads up on #16. I decided to investigate and found the partner’s brother living in one of the sheds we haven’t opened since that fateful year of 2009. He fessed up to the shower usage as well as the ownership of the underwear I found in the china cabinet. Mystery solved.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s