Joan: “Look, I understand that you are upset, but there is absolutely no reason for you to be shoving your hand anywhere near my bosom. You’re not a casting director.”

Cliff: “No, you don’t understand. I have been in the kitchen all day, sweating my ass off and trying to make the perfect Christmas dinner.”

Joan: “Perhaps I should point out that such imagery does not make anyone want to eat anything that you’ve ever made.”

Cliff: “Stop trying to divert the issue. Do you have any idea how much planning goes into making sure that we have enough food for everyone to eat?”

Joan: “Not really. I’ve never cooked a single thing in my entire life. Except other actresses who wanted the same parts that I did.”

Cliff: “You can’t add new people to the guest list at the last minute. It throws everything off. At the very least, I’ll have to make another batch of scalloped potatoes, and another tub of green bean casserole, and the dessert list is shot to hell. This is an outrage that should not happen in modern society!”

Joan: “I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth, but you appear to be more controlling than I am. Tell me your secret. Is it a vitamin regimen? I must know.”

Cliff: “I don’t know you anymore. Why would you invite two extra people?”

Joan: “Maybe because they’re my children? The two that haven’t written a tell-all book about my lack of parenting skills.”

Cliff: “Your children? We’ve been together for four months now, which is an outstanding accomplishment in Hollywood, and you’ve never mentioned that you’ve given birth.”

Joan: “Well, if we need to get into the fine print, none of my children actually had a staycation in my womb. But a certain blogger in Texas keeps insisting on posting these horrid little stories about how I got all my children during a sale at Macy’s and implying that I only did it for the sake of advancing my career.” [Joan turns toward the camera and winks at the blogger, knowing full well that any publicity is better than no publicity.] “And I just want to prove that I love all my children dearly and they are the foundation of my very soul.”

Cliff: “Oh. I didn’t realize how important this was to you. Okay, I just need to add a few place cards to the table. What are their names?”

Joan: “Um…”