10 Reasons Why

Things You Really Wish You Could Say to That Incredibly Annoying Co-Worker

flamingos-dallas-zoo-07062016-2

“Don’t come into my cube unless you can get to the point within four seconds.”

“Why do you have to yell everything you say? Is that how they do it on your home planet?”

“Let’s just assume that your amazing niece did something extraordinary once again, and then we don’t have to actually talk about it.”

“I think you might be the exact reason why drugs were invented.”

“What part of the expression on my face makes you think that I have any interest in what you are saying right now?”

“If you insist on crunching on that ice, I must insist on smacking the teeth out of your mouth.”

“This thing I’m holding next to my ear? It’s a phone. Notice how I am currently speaking into this object. When you see me in this position, it means go away and come back later. Or maybe never.”

“I don’t believe it says anything in your job description about singing along with the radio. Don’t make me call somebody that will make you cry.”

“Help me understand how you could possibly think you looked good in that outfit. Did you actually plan this, or was there a shocking incident that resulted in you being unable to make competent decisions?”

“What are you possibly doing in that cube over there that sounds like mating time at the zoo?”

“Life is far too short to have to listen to you babble baby-talk on the phone with this week’s skanky hookup.”

“Did you go to a special school where they taught you how to pick out the most annoying ring tone in this galaxy? And seriously, if you have to turn it up that high in order to hear it, you need to see a doctor. Preferably in another country.”

“So how does the food stay in your mouth when you chew like that?”

“Did your parents have to pay a fine for how you turned out?”

“There once was a man from Nantucket. And he wouldn’t have liked you, either.”

“When Dr. King had his dream, I’m pretty sure you weren’t in it.”

“I don’t know why you don’t just move your desk into the bathroom. You’ve spent more time in there than most countries have existed.”

“How is it that you have a job and Hillary Clinton doesn’t?”

“If you don’t turn down the ping-alert on your chat program, I can no longer be held accountable for my actions.”

“What the hell did you do in that microwave that makes this look like a crime scene?”

“Allow me to apologize for whatever I did that makes you think we’re friends. We both get paychecks from the same company. That’s about the extent of our relationship.”

“I noticed you took up two spaces in the parking lot again. You got a lot of those ‘Trophies Just for Showing Up’ in your childhood, didn’t you?”

“What do you mean you don’t remember your password for the system we use every day? What the hell have you been doing for the past two years?”

“Please tell me you’re sterile.”

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 03/30/12 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 01/24/14, revised and updated with extra flair for this post.

Story behind the photo: This is just a random shot of flamingos gathering around a watering hole at the Dallas Zoo, which is reminiscent of co-workers gathering in the break room. I’m the flamingo in the left background who isn’t drinking or eating, and is instead calculating the days until my retirement…

 

35 replies »

    • Yes, it is nice to be out of the workplace. Every once in a while I get a little bit blue when there is no one to talk to, but then I remember some of the mind-numbing things certain co-workers would do and say, and I reaffirm with myself that silence is golden… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Some great ideas there Brian, lucky for me I work autonomously HOWEVER I do have the misfortune of bumping into colleagues from time to time so I might well use 1 or 5 of your examples. One person literally can’t talk quietly, her voice is like a foghorn, drives me nuts! 😱😱😱

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Where I work, there are seven secretaries. Four introverts and three extroverts. And I hate to sound cruel, but the three are emotionally needy extroverts, at that.
    Anyway, it used to be madness, where many of your statements would have been extremely helpful, when the woman I work for (an emotionally secure extrovert) tired of the drama and moved the three to separate corners in the office far from each other, and grouped the four introverts together in the middle. Now it is peaceful.
    I know I could make more money if I worked elsewhere, but there are more important things than money, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You cannot put a price on peace of mind, especially in the workplace. It sounds like your manager did a wise and judicious thing. I say “sounds like” since I never worked for a superior who did wise and judicious things for their employees and therefore I don’t have a comparative analogy to share… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • I have two cube mates, both feline. One never reports for work, choosing instead to seek out and snooze in sunny spots about the house. The other cat only has one skill on his resume, and it involves leaping onto my desk every thirty minutes or so and knocking everything to the floor in a satisfying crescendo. Annoying, but still, I’m much happier now… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh man, the parking lot. Is it bad that I have considered carrying post it notes in my purse just to write nasty grams to leave on people’s cars who take up more than one space and/or don’t pull all the way into the space?

    Liked by 1 person

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