10 Reasons Why

50 Startling Epitaphs in the Bonnywood Manor Graveyard


1. “The wi-fi really sucks in here.”

2. “I didn’t realize you were THAT invested in getting my Adele tickets.”

3. “Guess I didn’t need to save those vacation days after all.”

4. “Well, at least I won’t have to put up with any more psycho-drama at Thanksgiving family reunions.”

5. “Anybody up for a beer run?”

6. “About that eating raw fish thing…”

7. “Um, I’m not sure who you need to tell, but that guy two plots over isn’t there anymore.”

8. “When they said ‘no parking on the dance floor’, I guess they really meant it.”

9. “Mama said there’d be days like this.”

10. “I am away from my computer right now.”

11. “Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.”

12. “BRB. LOL.”

13. “Can I bum a cigarette?”

14. “Red really does mean stop.”

15. “It hurts when you stick the flowers in the ground.”

16. “Who in the world thought I wanted pink satin in here?”

17. “I think I left the iron on. Could you check on that?”

18. “Don’t pick door number three. Trust me.”

19. “Anne Rice got a few things wrong.”

20. “Vodka and a game of Twister. Enough said.”

21. “Should have gone with the cash option on that lottery ticket.”

22. “My son stepped on a crack…”

23. “Most accidents really do occur in the home.”

24. “Damn waterbed.”

25. “Oh, what a relief it is.”

26. “I told you I didn’t need the extended warranty.”

27. “Gas bubble my ass.”

28. “Disappointed in my will, were you? Good.”

29. “Does my butt look big in this?”

30. “Searching for signal.”

31. “Flew like an eagle. To the sea.”

32. “I guess you found out that I lied about working late that night.”

33. “Pop Rocks kill. (Hey, Mikey.)”

34. “The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”

35. “I knew you’d show up sooner or later.”

36. “Why did you put all that crap in my casket? This is not a piñata.”

37. “Turns out it doesn’t really matter if you’re wearing clean underwear or not.”

38. “Did you really think that was an appropriate outfit to wear at my funeral? Girl, please.”

39. “But I still have crops to harvest in Farmville!”

40. “Does this come with fries?”

41. “Looks like that one child can start to carry on, carry on.”

42. “Douglas Adams was right. It really is 42.”

43. “Cuidado! Piso mojado.”

44. “Where are my pants?”

45. “One million two hundred seventy thousand beers on the wall…”

46. “Room for rent. Inquire within.”

47. “And yet they let Rush Limbaugh keep living.”

48. “Yes, I ordered the pizza. There’s some money in the flower pot on the right.”

49. “Hey! What’s down THAT road?”

50. “Better luck next time.”


Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/03/10 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 06/04/14, revised and updated with extra flair for this post.

Story behind the story: Many moons ago, my bestie Tiffany and I ingested a few Reese’s dark-chocolate peanut butter cups whilst sitting in the workplace and waiting for some type of validation in our lives. Sugar-levels elevated, loopiness ensued, and we envisioned interesting headstones one might encounter in a cemetery. The list has changed over the years (humor definitely has a shelf life), and the above is the latest incarnation.

Story behind the photo: This is yet another shot from our excursion to the Alcazaba de Malaga. I like how it appears to be religious, but isn’t necessarily so, and therefore encompasses all forms of beliefs of those who rest peacefully (hopefully) in our digital cemetery at Bonnywood.


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