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Michele Bachmann Interprets the Bill of Rights (With Assistance from Jesus)

Editor’s Note: Just found this one in the dusty archives, had to share. Let’s flash back to the 2012 Presidential Primary season. Michele (Tea Party darling, religious hypocrite, and complete idiot) was actually in the running for the Republican nomination. She was accompanied by her creep of a husband who made/makes his living by pandering “homosexual conversion” programs despite public appearances and actions that made him look like the biggest float in a Gay Pride parade. Enjoy.

  The Set-Up: Michele was recently asked to speak about the original ten amendments to the Constitution during a meeting of the Daughters of the American Racists convention. Why this invitation was extended, we may never know, but we were able to find Michele’s rumpled and stained speech notes in a discarded box of Reversion Therapy pamphlets. Let’s peruse, shall we?

ONE. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Holy cow! This really IS in there. Right at the top of the page. Well, I can’t let this get out. Um… okay, I’ll make a joke about Obama, something about his ears, then I’ll say what it really means is “God formed this country because he was mad at people not listening to him and we need to put Church before Congress!” (I always have fun saying things like that, even if I don’t really know what it means.)

  I’m not going to worry about the “peaceably to assemble” and “redress of grievances” part. My people don’t understand big words, they won’t care. And we’ll have Fox News say that Obama put that part in with his stimulus package.

TWO. A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Oh, this is the one that Sarah keeps babbling about. Good, she was right, we can shoot people whenever we want and nobody can stop us. Not sure why they’re talking about “bears” though, I’ll have to ask Sarah, she’s the one that hunts so she can get more votes. And the “fringe” stuff? Like on a dress? Maybe Marcus knows, he likes pretty clothes.

  And what’s a “militia”? Is that one of the Obama kids?

THREE. No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

What is THIS? No idea. Um, let’s change it to say that Social Security should not be quartered in the House of Representatives, and that means we have to get rid of it. Does that make sense? I think so, but check with John B., he knows about people being in a House when they shouldn’t be.

FOUR. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Wait, I thought the Patriot Act got rid of all this crap. No wonder those ungodly liberals whine so much. Note to self: Check with George II to see why he didn’t have this changed like he was told to do. But make sure Marcus and his questionable “medical practice” are protected, can’t run a primary with a trial going on. (Oh, who am I kidding? I’m in the Tea Party! We have the memory span of a gnat!) Still, better check for Bible passages about The Lord owning my body, soul and all financial resources, and how I am his special proxy on Earth, so the liberal government can’t take anything away from no matter what I do.

FIVE. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or the militia, when in actual-

This one’s too damn long. (Whoops, sorry Jesus.) And they threw me off with that Obama kid again. Wait, further down, there’s the part where you don’t have to be a witness at your own trial. The Lord is good, yes He is, He protects his proxies and stuff. Check with Legal: Can you even put a Messenger of God ON trial? I wouldn’t think so. So I’m going to say you can’t, that God’s law trumps all. (I am SO good at this!)

SIX. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Oh, hell no, ALL of this has got to go. This makes it sound like you have to have facts and stuff, and that’s no way to run a campaign or a government, facts just get in the way of the message. And witnesses? You get RID of witnesses, you don’t want them talking to nobody. Check with Legal: If I only say something on TV and not in a courtroom, I’m not liable, right? Oh, screw it, Jesus loves me, this I know. And it’s not like our people care about the laws. Or dental hygiene.

SEVEN. In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury-

I don’t even have the time for this one and I don’t care. I’ll skip it and make another joke, something smarmy about that satanic Rachel Maddow and her stupid percentages and polls. My people can’t count past three. Be sure to mention the lesbian bit. That always gets a redneck to put down his beer and pick up a misspelled picket sign that supports my platform, him and his three teeth screaming on the TV. (Sorry again, Jesus, for speaking of a neighbor in an unchaste way, but you have chosen me to lead them, and sometimes it’s a little bit hard. Blessed be.)

EIGHT. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Hmm. Not sure about this one. Sounds good, because sometimes our Christian Army is temporarily felled by lawsuits from the Unbelievers, and we need to get them out of the jails as soon as we can, back to praying and not watching anything but Fox News. Don’t really care, though. Check to see what Rick P. thinks about this one, and then support the other side. (I have better hair than he does and I deserve to win. Texas already had a good long run at taking over this country, now it’s my turn.)

NINE. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

No idea. But I like how that first part sounds, and I can turn it into a speech. “The enumeration in the Constitution guarantees that anything I vote for is right!” Or something like that. Don’t really care for the bit about not getting to deny people things. That’s just not my nature. Find another Bible passage to negate that, something Old Testament.

TEN. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Oh, this is the one that Rick P. likes. Not sure if he’s read the whole thing, though, especially the part at the end about “or to the people”. That sounds like they can go against what the governor wants. Well, at least the number of rednecks in Texas outnumber the people who actually think, so he’ll probably keep winning. Lucky bastard.

  Sorry again, Jesus, for the cursing. It’s just that a woman has needs, and it’s been a very long time since Marcus dropped by to sell me some Girl Scout cookies, if you know what I mean. A little tense, here. But I’ll get through it, I know you want me to, even though you stopped returning my phone calls and I only hear from you when the meds are kicking in. Love and kisses, Michele.


Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 09/06/11. Minimally revised and updated with extra flair for this post, but I tried to keep it as intact as possible.

Story behind the photo: The robot in “Metropolis”. Enough said.


11 replies »

    • And it’s that speed limit that has my attention these last few months. There’s already been an incredible amount of deregulation and dismantling while most folks are focused on the Russians being involved in the election…

      Liked by 1 person

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