Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #34

They weren’t sure where they were, how they got there, or who decided to stop at the bordello for a costume change. But they were happy, and that’s all that really mattered. Until some fool decided to question things and bring everybody down.

Smyrna, left, fool: “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. We’re really high up. See that dot over there? The one you really can’t see even though everyone reading this will try to find it? That’s the Queen Mary.”

Daffodil, center: “Are you talking about the boat or the drag queen? Because that would really change the perspective a bit.”

Rhubarbara, right: “Daffy, when did you figure out how to use the word ‘perspective’? We all know you dropped out of school when your daddy did that thing with the cow.”

Smyrna: “Girls, listen to me. We really could fall at any minute. I know you don’t care right now, because I’d be the first to go, but I’m warning you that if I’m going down I’m taking everybody with me.”

Daffodil: “Oh, shove it, Smyrna. We’re fine. You’re just mad because you didn’t get that part as a drum majorette in the new Mack Sennett movie. So take off the stupid hat and let the dream go. And who the hell are you yelling at, Rhubie?”

Rhubarbara: “I’m talking to that man over there. The one taking our picture.”

Smyrna: “Why is he taking our picture? I bet he’s a serial killer. I read about this in a magazine, Bad Things Happen When You Don’t Tithe Ten Percent. He’s going to give us candy and then we’ll never be seen again.”

Daffodil: “What is with you seeing death everywhere? If I can survive The Cow Incident and still be relatively stable, there’s no reason for you to be so jacked in the head. Still, maybe we shouldn’t be letting this guy take pictures of us in trampy slutwear. My mother doesn’t know I’m trying to break into show biz. She thinks I’m enrolled at Saint Caffeinetta’s School for Directionless Young Ladies. Who is he?”

Rhubarbara: “He says his name is Ansel something. Adams, maybe? I can’t really hear because of the pounding surf that’s going to whisk Smryna’s body out to the Queen Mary.”

Smyrna: “Ansel Adams! I read about him in another magazine, Famous Photographers Who Have Done Something with Their Lives but You Haven’t Because You Didn’t Tithe Ten Percent. He takes pictures of mountains, and that means we are on a mountain. I’m never going to be in a Mack Sennett picture! I wasted all those years training as an actress and putting on plays in Daffy’s Daddy’s barn. At least until the FBI shut it down after The Incident.”

Daffodil: “Oh, please. You did one play and it was wretched. Even the chickens left in protest and we had to hire a Coop Counselor until they could lay eggs again. Wait, that Ansel man is hollering something else. He’s starting to give me the creeps, what with him insisting on using black-and-white film. Maybe we really should get out of here. What’s he saying?”

Rhubarbara: “He says he’ll give us a hundred bucks each if we let him keep taking pictures. And possibly show a little more leg.”

Smyrna: “A hundred bucks? That will more than cover the money I loaned the other Queen Mary so she could get some decent cosmetics. I’m on it.”

Daffodil: “And that’s enough to pay Daddy’s bail. You girls don’t know what it’s like to live on a farm where the cows haven’t been milked. What are you hollering back at him, Rhubie?”

Rhubarbara: “I’m negotiating, Daffy. I’m telling him to make it a hundred and fifty a piece and we’ll even shove Majorette Smyrna off the rock so he can get some dramatic photos of her being royally presented to the Queen.”

Smyna: “Wait, what? I can’t really hear over here. Did I miss something?”

Daffodil: “Nope.”

Rhubarbara: “He said you’re really pretty and you should move closer to the edge.”



32 replies »

  1. Funny. Truly. I did LOL and ROF and other unseemly things that old ladies “over a certain age” should never do. It dents our dignity. I thought, at first glance, that Rhubarbra (where do you get these names, I think I wet myself laughing over them) and Daffy were getting high. Cupping the roach with their hand so Smirnoff didn’t turn them in…Well Rhubarb is, Daffy appears to be free spirited and doesn’t care who the hell sees her tokin’ up. I only know these mannerisms from observations in my misspent youth and marriage.. I NEVER inhaled! :3 Another winner of a blog, sir! Hahaha.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You know, now that you mention it, this entire piece may simply be me trying to confess to things that I may or may not have done in my formative years. I never inhaled, either, as that’s the party line, but I might have learned about some very creative ways to recycle harvested plants that were simply sitting around and taking up space. I was just trying to keep our landfills from being overcrowded. Wait, what was the question, again? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jumped over from the Senior Salon
    I expected anything but this daffy – not the duck – take on the title! Loved the photos and the names of the, shall I say “ladies”. Thanks for the chuckles.

    btw – NOBODY inhaled. Any boomer can tell you that we ALL ate the brownies. 🙂 (only some of us drank the koolaid – and they are now in office because of those brownies in the room with the Electoral College — they had no idea why were voting.) Can’t we move them all closer to Majorette Smyrna’s edge?
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • And it sounds like I’m going to be happy that you jumped over from the Senior Salon, as your humor will fit in here quite nicely. (Nothing is sacred! Well, a few things, but anyway.) Thanks for taking the time to visit as well as enlighten us on proper dining etiquette from years past and how that parlayed into politics. Welcome!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are most welcome. I tend to keep a rein on my wackiness on my own site (mental health related), so I love to let it out when I trip across a site like yours.

        You are most welcome about the political lesson. Just a theory, of course – I’d never allow myself to get close enough to those folks to actually test it – but what ELSE could possibly explain what happened?

        Liked by 1 person

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