Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #411

As the evening waned, Melanie did have a few regrets.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have chosen to wear ballet slippers with an outfit that strongly hinted of working on the serving line at Furr’s Cafeteria. She had initially found this ensemble to be saucily enticing, with its erotic subliminal signals of artistic athleticism (extreme dexterity!) and buffet goodness (all you can eat!).  Instead, old men kept asking her if there were any steamed prunes in the kitchen and young girls kept inquiring if she had ever danced with a nutcracker. She had answers to these queries, of course, but she couldn’t share them with either demographic without the possibility of obscenity charges being filed.

Perhaps she should have invested a bit more in a decent hair-conditioner. Yes, it’s fair to say that many folks have mane-management issues whilst straddling a log on a wind-swept beach. Still, Melanie and her Chia Pet hair looked like this two seconds after stepping out of a shower. Clearly, some degree of progress could be made with her Sahara-tribute bouffant.

Then there was the whole mess with the tequila. It seemed that she couldn’t avoid being around it, no matter how hard she tried. (It never occurred to her that she should filter out the phrases “bars” and “frat parties” and “barn dances” and “people named Spike” on the primitive GPS that she was clutching in her hand as she slumped against the log.) Perhaps if she had taken a break from the spirits for at least a few minutes, she wouldn’t have played squat tag up and down the coast of South Carolina.

Still and all, at the end of the day (and Melanie had no idea what this day might be), these issues paled in comparison to her real source of dissatisfaction, irritating her even more than the sand blowing up her Blue-Plate-Special skirt. Her current paramour, whose name completely escaped her at the moment, what with all those tequila shots, clearly had no idea how to use a proper filter on Instagram. This wouldn’t do. And she wouldn’t be doing him. At least not again.







Bonus extended ending for those who scrolled this far:

Sand crab, skittering in from the left: “I find this entire post to be sexist and misogynistic.”

Sand crab, skittering in from the right: “Oh, please. That could easily be a man passing out against the log. The only difference is that the man wouldn’t have any regrets. And he wouldn’t have a GPS, because men never ask for directions.”

Sand crab, skittering up from the center: “Look, we all just need to learn how to get along and compromise or we are never going to have universal healthcare in America.”

Suddenly, a giant wave crashed ashore and swept all the crabs out to sea. In the history books, this wave would become known as the 2018 elections.


23 replies »

  1. Melanie is clearly a victim of many bad decisions. Furr’s Cafeteria. I have not thought of this establishment in years! Of course, I wouldn’t do my SO either if he didn’t use the proper filter on IG. What do you think I am, shallow? Another great effort, Brian!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Susan! (Random Confession: Many years ago, when I first started working for The Company That Shall Not Be Named But Rhymes with Horizon (excuse me while I turn my head and spit) and I was very budget-minded, I was thrilled when Furr’s Cafeteria introduced their “all you can eat for one price” concept. Let’s just say that I basically lived there for a few years…) And P.S.: Shallow can be a very good thing in the right circumstances… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I found myself fretting for poor Melanie, what with the sand, the frizz-inducing humidity, and the log wherein several creepy crawlies surely reside. Then you bring in sand crabs! Gah!
    Fortunately the crabs only had Melanie’s best interests in mind. In this world, we find friends in the unlikeliest of places.
    Carry on, Sir Brian. Carry on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And then the ghost of Walt Disney walked in and said “you know, we could animate this situation and completely whitewash what happened so that it seems more palatable. Perhaps we could get Sir Elton to do the soundtrack?”

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Only if the wave GETS OUT THE VOTE. Pardon me. I seemed to have shouted. Nothing changes unless everyone votes. Back to your regularly scheduled humor. It could be a he in the outfit. I mean why should a sea breeze where the sun doesn’t shine be gender specific?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I completely agree with the gender switch-off. I could have easily made this about a man having a predilection for grain alcohol and extreme dalliance, but why beat a dead horse?… 😉


    • You didn’t like the crabs? This makes me a tad bit blue. But you’re right, perhaps there should be a sequel. I’ll have my staff do some improvisational scenes whilst I take notes…


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