Joan: “Do you think the tree is a bit much?”
Alfred: “I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the crackling sounds of the plastic you insist be on these couches.”
Joan: “The tree, darling. Is it overdone?”
Alfred: “Compared to your acting? No.”
Joan: “What could you possibly mean by that? Are you implying that I’m a bit melodramatic?”
Alfred: “I’m saying that with all the scenery you’ve chewed, I’m surprised there’s any wood left in the state of California.”
Joan: “Well, I think you’re being absurd. My fans adore me and I can’t begin to tell you how many awards I’ve turned down simply because I already have so many.”
Alfred: “That’s it, right there. The melodrama. You’ve won one award of any significance and you only got it because you pretended like you were dying. More melodrama. Perhaps you’ve been overly-intense for so long that you don’t even realize that you are being such anymore, like a prison matron or Celine Dion.”
Joan: “Oh. Well, now that you mention it, I have been somewhat unaware of things I might have been doing lately. Just the other day I was cat-fighting with that wretched Bette Davis, something I relish, and she accused me of sleeping with one of her husbands. Naturally, I immediately denied it because that’s what one should always do in any situation. But it did give me pause. Perhaps I have boinked a Bette beau. Do you happen to know if I did the man in question? Since you’re the president of Pepsi-Cola, I’m assuming you’re much better than I am at accounting and those spreadsheet things and whatnot. Surely there’s a file on me somewhere in your archives, and it would be nice to have a chart of my couplings when I finally get around to having someone else write my autobiography.”
Alfred: “Joanie dearest, you are assuming far too much about corporate accountability in America. We won’t be forced to keep realistic documentation of our illegal activities for at least another forty years. Besides, I really don’t care who you boink as long as it doesn’t affect our stock price.”
Joan: “I see. Well, that’s really sweet of you. I’m glad we had this chat. And Alfred?”
Alfred: “Dear God, is there more?”
Joan: “My melodramatic lawyer will be serving you divorce papers in the morning. And I get custody of the tree.”
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
The old clincher for me was: “Perhaps I have boinked a Bette beau”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sometimes alliteration can be a beautiful thing… 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well I don’t know about that, Brian. Only last week I was fined 5 quid for dropping a sweet wrapper in the street. Why I outta! 😦
LikeLiked by 3 people
Boinking a Bette Beau – the latest reality TV show for the summer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Starring David Duchovny, Isabella Rossellini, and a Kardashian sibling who hasn’t been pulling her weight in the self-promotion department… 😉
LikeLike
This is brilliant. You had me at the opening line: Crawford and the tree comment…hilarious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Those opening lines can make or break the journey, right?… 😉
LikeLike
Indeed–and no one drew them in like Joan! Love your writing, look forward to Bonnywood Manor’s next post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think Albert might be doing a happy dance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
He hasn’t stopped giggling since the announcement was made…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, but what did the tree have to say about all of this? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I tried to interview him, but sadly, he was immediately ordered by the court to avoid speaking to the media until the divorce has been settled…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shocking. He ought to write a tell all memoir.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m wondering exactly what kind of set requires plastic couch covers…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, the porn industry comes to mind…
LikeLike
My husband would make me take that tree outside! Ha ha. Yikes. And the plastic couches? I haven’t seen a plastic-covered couch in 50 years. Glad those went out of style! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can remember being a wee one, dragged along with Mom as she visited one of her snooty friends, advised to sit perfectly still on such a couch, and being unable to do so because I kept sliding off…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha. I recall them being sticky 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like the tree! The plastic covers-not so much. Thanks for the laugh!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The tree IS kind of fun, but it’s also a little overwhelming. Imagine forgetting it was there and coming across it late at night after you’ve had a few adult beverages…
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Boinked a Bette beau…” Isn’t that one of the tongue twisters they gave Gene Kelly in “Singing in the Rain” when he was supposed to be ‘improving’ his voice for the new fangled talkies which everyone said would fail. Why listen when you can lip read? And put your own dialogue in place of whatever is really being said? I am struck anew by the fact that Joanie dearest needed the attentions of a world class eyebrow specialist…experienced in weeding wanna be unibrows of thick and unruly nature… I notice a trend THESE days among young starry eyed ‘actresses’ towards that thick forest eyebrow ‘look’ and want to scream. It makes me nervous, wondering if they’ve truly shed their Neanderthal roots…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t speak for the interior motivations of Mr. Kelly, but based on the apparent approval of the tongue twister in this bit, I might just have to do a whole post on mildly ribald tongue twisters. Of course, this might be setting me up for abysmal failure, but I shall dig into the possibility. As for the extreme eyebrows, having had them all my life, I do have empathy for others who do. But for those who are intentionally bushify? I’m not sure what the goal is. Are they cold? Are they tired of banging their foreheads on unanticipated hard surfaces? Hmm…
LikeLike
Keeping plastic on couches is more of an elderly aunt thing. So why in God’s name would a Hollywood couple do it and then opt to have their picture taken? Weird!
Love the tree, though. Once I was with a group of students who spent the weekend in a house that was built around a tree — an actual living tree in the living room. The top coming out of the roof. Nearly everyone else in the group thought it was ridiculous or feared creepy-crawlies. I thought it was lovely.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I never understood the plastic, no matter who was doing it. Why bother having furniture at all if you live in mortal fear of somebody spilling some queso? Get rid of the uber condom.
I would be perfectly comfortable in a house built ’round a tree. Unless there were woodpeckers….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Plastic on couches. 🙂 keeps em like new. From the days when you bought furniture once in your life not everytime you decide to change the color of your wall paint.
I do love Joan Crawford
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very true, about furniture purchasing. It used to be that you bought a china cabinet with an eye toward it becoming an heirloom. Now we buy it because we’re bored… 😉
LikeLike