Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #220

Joan: “Do you think the tree is a bit much?”

Alfred: “I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the crackling sounds of the plastic you insist be on these couches.”

Joan: “The tree, darling. Is it overdone?”

Alfred: “Compared to your acting? No.”

Joan: “What could you possibly mean by that? Are you implying that I’m a bit melodramatic?”

Alfred: “I’m saying that with all the scenery you’ve chewed, I’m surprised there’s any wood left in the state of California.”

Joan: “Well, I think you’re being absurd. My fans adore me and I can’t begin to tell you how many awards I’ve turned down simply because I already have so many.”

Alfred: “That’s it, right there. The melodrama. You’ve won one award of any significance and you only got it because you pretended like you were dying. More melodrama. Perhaps you’ve been overly-intense for so long that you don’t even realize that you are being such anymore, like a prison matron or Celine Dion.”

Joan: “Oh. Well, now that you mention it, I have been somewhat unaware of things I might have been doing lately. Just the other day I was cat-fighting with that wretched Bette Davis, something I relish, and she accused me of sleeping with one of her husbands. Naturally, I immediately denied it because that’s what one should always do in any situation. But it did give me pause. Perhaps I have boinked a Bette beau. Do you happen to know if I did the man in question? Since you’re the president of Pepsi-Cola, I’m assuming you’re much better than I am at accounting and those spreadsheet things and whatnot. Surely there’s a file on me somewhere in your archives, and it would be nice to have a chart of my couplings when I finally get around to having someone else write my autobiography.”

Alfred: “Joanie dearest, you are assuming far too much about corporate accountability in America. We won’t be forced to keep realistic documentation of our illegal activities for at least another forty years. Besides, I really don’t care who you boink as long as it doesn’t affect our stock price.”

Joan: “I see. Well, that’s really sweet of you. I’m glad we had this chat. And Alfred?”

Alfred: “Dear God, is there more?”

Joan: “My melodramatic lawyer will be serving you divorce papers in the morning. And I get custody of the tree.”


26 replies »

  1. “Boinked a Bette beau…” Isn’t that one of the tongue twisters they gave Gene Kelly in “Singing in the Rain” when he was supposed to be ‘improving’ his voice for the new fangled talkies which everyone said would fail. Why listen when you can lip read? And put your own dialogue in place of whatever is really being said? I am struck anew by the fact that Joanie dearest needed the attentions of a world class eyebrow specialist…experienced in weeding wanna be unibrows of thick and unruly nature… I notice a trend THESE days among young starry eyed ‘actresses’ towards that thick forest eyebrow ‘look’ and want to scream. It makes me nervous, wondering if they’ve truly shed their Neanderthal roots…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t speak for the interior motivations of Mr. Kelly, but based on the apparent approval of the tongue twister in this bit, I might just have to do a whole post on mildly ribald tongue twisters. Of course, this might be setting me up for abysmal failure, but I shall dig into the possibility. As for the extreme eyebrows, having had them all my life, I do have empathy for others who do. But for those who are intentionally bushify? I’m not sure what the goal is. Are they cold? Are they tired of banging their foreheads on unanticipated hard surfaces? Hmm…


  2. Keeping plastic on couches is more of an elderly aunt thing. So why in God’s name would a Hollywood couple do it and then opt to have their picture taken? Weird!
    Love the tree, though. Once I was with a group of students who spent the weekend in a house that was built around a tree — an actual living tree in the living room. The top coming out of the roof. Nearly everyone else in the group thought it was ridiculous or feared creepy-crawlies. I thought it was lovely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I never understood the plastic, no matter who was doing it. Why bother having furniture at all if you live in mortal fear of somebody spilling some queso? Get rid of the uber condom.

      I would be perfectly comfortable in a house built ’round a tree. Unless there were woodpeckers….

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Plastic on couches. 🙂 keeps em like new. From the days when you bought furniture once in your life not everytime you decide to change the color of your wall paint.
    I do love Joan Crawford

    Liked by 1 person

    • Very true, about furniture purchasing. It used to be that you bought a china cabinet with an eye toward it becoming an heirloom. Now we buy it because we’re bored… 😉


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