Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #415

In a rare moment of reflection, one that may or may not have been carefully devised by publicists, director Alfred Hitchcock and star Anthony Perkins discuss their current project, a lovely dissertation on misplaced values known as “Psycho”…

Alfred: “So, Tony, how do you think the shoot is going? Am I correct in assuming that you find the experience far more satisfying than most of the sordid sexual encounters you will have until you finally marry a woman and completely not dispel any of the rumors swirling about you.”

Anthony: “Well, since the cameras are rolling even though they aren’t supposed to be, I’ll have to say that I’m having the best time of my life. Couldn’t be happier.”

Alfred: “Cameras? I assure you this is an entirely private moment. I truly care about all of the cattle, I mean actors, who appear in my movies, and I would never manipulate any of the herd just to get what I want out of a scene.”

Anthony: “Then what’s that thing over there? The thing the cameraman is holding and pointing at us while the lens fluctuates almost as much as your popularity at the box office? That thing.”

Alfred: “You silly man. That’s just a prop camera. There’s no film in it, and it doesn’t even work, just like most producers and many politicians.”

Anthony: “Something tells me you might be fudging a bit. Like when you told Janet Leigh that the shower scene would only take a few minutes. Then you had the poor water-logged wretch flopping around for three days while she desperately tried to keep her nipples covered.”

Alfred: “That seems a bit harsh. I sense that you have some unresolved issues. Perhaps there was an incident in your childhood that didn’t quite go your way and you’ve wanted to take revenge ever since?”

Anthony: “No, that sounds more like your journey. What happened to you that makes you want to put ice-blonde actresses in peril over and over in your movies? Was there a nanny who made you go to bed early when you wanted to stay up and play with your strangers-on-a-trainset? A gal named Rebecca in high school who didn’t give you the time of day or an invitation to Manderley? An unrequited infatuation with a young actress who proclaimed that she would rather have chlamydia than have you? Wait a minute. Was your mother blonde?”

Alfred: “You have gone entirely too far, Cattle Man. I may have to kill you off earlier in the movie than Janet, and that icy nanny bites it before the opening credits have finished scrolling.”

Sigmund Freud, wandering onto the set even though he has been six feet under long before this scene took place. (It’s Hollywood, just go with it.): “Firstly, Anthony, you need to eat more. You don’t even have an actual waist and you won’t survive walking across a cattle guard. Secondly, Alfred, put down the donuts, they can see your waist from Jupiter. Thirdly, this entire movie is all about misogyny, stunted sexual development and an obsession with death that we haven’t seen since the Egyptians got bored and decided to build pyramids. Fourthly, what the hell is that thing over Alfred’s head?”

Cameraman: “Mr. Hitchcock, do you want me to get Freud in the shot as well?”

Alfred: “It doesn’t matter. Freud is already in every scene I’ve ever directed.”


16 replies »

  1. How very witty and brilliant! That Freud then has a walk-on part is hilarious. Surely there was a source for Alfred torturing that ‘water-logged wretch’ in a shower of pulsing, cold water and chocolate syrup blood…my money’s on the nanny or the blonde mother. It’s usually the blonde mother. Enjoyed this immensely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it. Yes, Alfred surely had some deep-rooted issues, evident in the stories he tells but even more so in the WAY he tells his stories, both in his directorial choices and his usual insistence that a scene be shot 467 times before he was satisfied… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahahahhaha! Given that I’ve just come from the dentist’s office (yeah, there’ll be a post about THAT later) and I’m drooling because I cannot feel half my face, the laughter engendered by this post was most welcome. And that thing above Alfie’s head? A (perhaps omnious) dead branch, suitable for hanging ham cattle and obese directors. It’s so Hitchcock-ian..

    Liked by 1 person

    • If I woke up in the middle of the night and that dead branch was above my head, there would be a lot of uncontrolled peeing and even more screaming. Of course, that also happens when I look in the bathroom mirror… 😉


  3. Loved this, both the picture and commentary.
    I’ve heard that Hitchcock could be a real jerk, especially with women. Even so, I enjoy his movies, and I’ve always appreciated the fact his blondes are intelligent and cool-headed. When I was young, I aspired to be a Hitchcock blonde. Minus the bloody end.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cilla. Case in point on that speaking to singing. She talked like Ringo Starr’s gutter trash slut. She sang like a bird. And after watching Burt spaz out in the beginning you know where they got the idea for those inflatable dancing tubes at car lots and appliance outlets.

    Oh. And Alfie’s problem was his wife was better at everything than he was, and good looking blondes did diss him before he could write them checks to put up with him.

    Liked by 1 person

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