Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #425

Director John: “And over here, Liz will make her entrance in some crap designed by Valentino.”

Actor Marlon: “That explains all the lights. But why the big production?”

John: “Because it’s Elizabeth Taylor. She never just walks into a room. It’s always an event. You know this.”

Marlon: “But what do I get to wear?”

John: “What you’re wearing now.”

Marlon: “But I wore this in the last scene.”

John, sighing: “Your character is in the military, Marlon. You wear a uniform every day. You don’t have a party frock.”

Marlon: “It just seems so unfair.”

John: “You’ll get over it. Now, let’s get back on the set.”

Marlon rises to follow John, but then his eyes wander to a stick of butter sitting on the craft services table, a chance glance that subliminally triggers his mind to think of a very special way to make an entrance while shooting that lusty movie in Paris a few years later.

Meanwhile, on that craft services table:

Betty the Stick of Butter: “Why is that man looking at me like that? I feel violated in some way.”

Francois the French Bread: “In the France, we use quite often the condiments in our making of the love. Food is…how you say… erotique, n’est-ce pas?”

Tillie the Turnip: “But what has that got to do with the rest of the story? Wait, am I not on the truck anymore?”

Sal the Sage-Encrusted Salmon: “The writer is clearly throwing in a vague reference that can only be fully appreciated by those readers of a certain vintage.”

Billy the Box Wine: “My vintage is only three months ago!”

Millie the Millennial Muffuletta: “I am so over old people expecting us to remember how it used to be. What was so great about anything in the last century? And why didn’t I get an award just for showing up on this table?”

Nancy the Negative Nectarine: “And why is the writer using all of us to surreptitiously explain something that he wouldn’t have to explain if he had just done a good job of writing in the first place?”

Maya the Angel Food Cake: “I know why the caged word wrings. Do not judge those who speak from the heart.”

Sarah the Baked Alaskan: “I can see Russia from my house!”

Rudy the Russian Dressing: “Of course you can. I’m right beside you. That’s like saying Minneapolis can see St. Paul.”

Fannie the Fried Green Tomato: “And here we go again with the weird references that some Americans and most non-Americans are not going to get.”

Danny the Denying Danish: “It’s not my fault that the writer doesn’t know when to stop. We should have ended with the first butter mention and let it go at that.”

The Yam, Yoda: “But find we can cleverness, if seek we do. Wise is he seeking so.”

Patty the Petulant Pot Roast: “Blow it out your yam hole.”

Tammy the Temperance Tamale: “I suspect demon alcohol has destroyed another soul.”

Barbie the Rhubarb: “Are you kidding? The writer is retired now. He’s spending all of his money on health insurance and prune juice.”

Hamlet the Ham: “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well before he completely lost his mind and forgot about things like filters and editing.”

Ophelia the Olive Loaf: “I have no idea what we’re talking about anymore. I’m going to go jump in that river over there and float away to another Past Imperfect that makes more sense.”

Director John: “Marlon, are you coming to the set or not? Time is money.”

Actor Marlon: “Sorry, I thought I heard something. Guess not. Say, did you know that you should never trust the butter in France?”


31 replies »

      • Well it’s a darned good thing you DID drop it by the Senior Salon – or I would never have seen it!!

        Screamingly clever (my first career was acting/directing, so you had me from the get-go — I have actually heard similar costume comments, btw). I lost it at Sarah the Baked Alaskan – still laughing on several levels.

        Thanks so much for sharing your meander down stream-of-consciousness lane. I am one who most certainly got all the references.
        (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
        ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
        “It takes a village to transform a world!”

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m glad you decided to stick with whatever drink so clearly hydrates your creativity. Dining with you must be an entertaining affair, though I fear the food would grow cold while I fought to breath while laughing.
    Also, just for now, please imagine I have a sexy gravatar to the left and leave a plea for you to check out and follow my blog. (Damn, I love those comments.)
    Over and out.

    Liked by 2 people

    • And I’ll even imagine that your sexy gravatar keeps appearing on my posts, over and over, making your true mission even more clear and highlighting both your misdeed and your short-term memory issues… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  2. So many excellent references in this post, Brian! The scary part is that I could actually picture Marlon Brando having some of those thoughts. He truly was an odd duck. The food as a Greek chorus was pretty inventive as well. After the day I have had, this was very much appreciated.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.