Editor’s Note: After receiving my 4,000th unsolicited email from obvious scammers who just as obviously haven’t bothered to learn the language of the person they are nefariously targeting, I decided it was time for a response. (By no means should this post be considered a mocking of those who are learning and exploring a secondary language with good intentions in mind. There is a huge difference.)
Dear Kindest Friend,
I am of thanks you told winning I did lottery for major dollars. Jesus praise! Good and yay. But must be saying Jesus touched me of many times weeks of recent. I am happy so because money was little for me long time and needed more. Now can buy lung set for soldier brother who serve country but then no people care when war stop and he not jobbing. I am graceful and loving for big money surprise.
But there thing is one still must say. Because I of riches now, no more need more winning and prizes. Buy anything want now. Buy cars and castle and partner for loving in new bed. Lots money can spend and giving to friends like nothing. So stop please sending emails of opportunities and settlements and dying people give cash for free. No want hear more. Send extra Jesus money to children no parents and starving.
Plus and more, not of understanding some emails you breach me. Like such, that of when you trapped in London airport and peoples not help you? And send email you for me send cash. Why of this? Need cash, go banking and get monies. Not email, slow and not good. That reason of banking, money. And if no bank you like or like you, ask peoples on street for dollars. London peoples have many of these. One give you some maybe.
Or such, if yearn and despairing because no giving, then sell body for fornication and senses pleasure. Many give lots money for bang-bang. Smile and work hard and cash you have. For biggest cash let be tied up and be whipping in school girl dresses.
And other emails you shove, about peoples I not know relative but dead now and money leftover. I am not of relations with those peoples. Never hear ever. Why not-knowing peoples give me foreign cashes? Suspicion for them. If know relatives with much cashes, I living with them would be, not in dense apartment with no spaces for livestock. So no know these peoples. Sorry for dead but not know.
And not understand other emails of people in army need monies. Happy you serve country, yay good and thanking, but why need monies? Army give mens and womans all equipment and blankets needed because Dick Cheney sell to army all needed for big prices. Not want of anything. Even have movie stars and country singing people come dance and be pretty for army people when army people not shooting and running. Why ask for monies? This is of fishes smelling.
More of, stop please emails with Credit Card Lords writing with my card not be working and want send my special information that is private secret. But I’m not having these cards with banks named this. This is lying and not justice. Stupid for me send anything and then savage men take things not their belonging and I live on dirty street with other stupid senders of private secret numbers. This is sadness not wanted.
More now I am thinking. I am very happiness winning Jesus lottery and thankful that cash stacked in spare room. Blessings many from Jesus Man. But why now are some of the Jesus People wanting some of my monies back to them? I’m not thinking Jesus would give to me riches then want some returning of riches. Why this?
Can be that some Jesus People not understand what Jesus want of them to do? Maybe even some Jesus People not reading Jesus Book of doing udder others so they udder you in sameness. I am not of sureness. But I am of sureness that tired I be of emails from people not Jesus Man but thinking they know what He is wanting for my life. I talk Jesus Man only. Hotline. Other peoples not in calling plan.
And this of last phrasing. Again happy for you and Jesus Lottery and money for the spending anytime. Yay and good. But thinking not goodness for email any more with you. My English is not of right since time we wrote first, when poor I still was being. I am knowing English not native language of yours even though trying you are to pretend English for scam and fooling slow people not thinking right. My using English was great and pretty before pollution of you not knowing words and phrases and whole language, using crappy web translator tool of cheapness. Now infection of your bad is me in, and confused all times putting of words right places be should.
So, write no more, lost London peoples with no banks for using, and fighting army peoples who not don’t understand they in land of Iraq because Little Bush still mad that Big Bush lose first time. And other peoples saying Christian workers in Africa but not really and being in Texas just want scamming and credit card important numbers, and people of dead status writing not-true wills leaving fortune to strangers like me. These are all of lying and cheatness for innocent peoples who just want email checking, not spam of your badness. You are not of rightness.
Suggesting you IM with Jesus Man and have meeting special for you. He tell you of importance not lying and cheating and the grammar wreckage. Maybe help. But of leastness he serving sandwiches usage cucumbers and tea of greenness, so you win with fullness even if still foolish…
In honoring kindness and effort friendship,
Jedediah Roquefort Bangagong, Esquire
Disciples of Latter Quaker Society for the Transfer of Monetary Funds Not Mine
Nairobi, Kenya (according to my fake IP address anyway)
P.S. Small bills, please.
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 02/08/11 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 08/05/15.
Something I normally don’t do: Some of the comments on the original Bonnywood post for this piece are really pretty amusing in that several folks attempted the mangled English angle. If intrigued, you can find that post here.