1. Don’t make one.
This is the best method of preventing humiliation and discomfort in a clinical establishment populated with people wearing designer scrubs and shoving needles in your arm. Sadly, your body often chooses to ignore this plan, and insists on having something go awry with one of your organs, systems or ability to fully enjoy frisky physical relationships. That being the case, there are certain steps you should always follow to minimize risk and dissatisfaction.
2. Make sure that the little receptionist lady fully understands that you have entered the building.
Don’t assume that just because you signed the arrival sheet and handed it back to her that she will do whatever she has to do to ensure timely processing. You must solidify your relationship with further validations of your check-in, like making direct eye contact, possibly shaking her hand, speaking positively about a brooch she is wearing, or even mildly hinting that sexual favors may be in the offing if she just keeps your place in line.
Otherwise, your little slip will be tossed to the side, resulting in hundreds of people arriving after you but going through the sacred inner-chamber door before you, forcing you to watch three successive hours of “Hee Haw” reruns on a crappy TV while unsupervised children scream and throw things.
3. Do not speak to anyone else in the waiting room.
No one. You never know which one of those people might be the whack-job who, when given the tiniest possibility that you might actually care about what they have to say, will immediately launch into a complete inventory about anything medical that has happened to them in their entire lives. Life’s too short for this. You are allowed one brief nod as greeting, no actual vocalization, and then never look at any of them again, instead staring at a blank spot on the wall or pretending to organize messages on your phone.
4. When they call your name, run like the wind.
Do NOT piddle around. Get your butt through the door as fast as possible. The staff is sick and tired of dealing with people who are sick and tired, and they just want to get things done, not stand around while you gather up your things and say goodbye to your new best friends in the waiting room. You don’t want to make the staff mad, or they will shunt you off to an exam room that the doctor doesn’t even remember he has, where you can rot while pondering your sins.
5. Do not be offended by what the scale says about your weight.
You might as well accept, beforehand, that the number on the scale is going to be higher than you want it to be. Those things lie. They are purposely made to add at least 10 pounds, and will never come close to matching the more pleasing number you just saw on your own scale at home. This is some international protocol, that doctor scales must be rude and overbearing. Just ignore the number. Unless it went down from the last time, in which case the scale is surely the most accurate scale the world has ever known..
6. Don’t be greedy with that lone, out-dated magazine someone left in the exam room.
Pace yourself. You may be sitting in here for a very long time, and you don’t want to use up your entertainment options with careless haste. Even if it’s a magazine that you would never consider reading in the real world, it may be your only friend for hours. Read each and every article, including the recipes for Mongolian goulash and tips on making your own facial scrub out of apricot jam and drywall spackle.
7. You may have to create your own amusements.
Of course, if no one has bothered to provide you with dry but time-killing literature, you can always make stick people out of the tongue depressors, with cotton-ball hair, and have them perform show-stoppers from Broadway productions. Naturally, to save yourself from perplexed questions and possible accusations of vandalism, you will have to quickly toss your little people behind a cabinet should you hear the door opening before the final curtain.
8. Embrace the fact that you must sit on top of paper that crackles constantly.
You have to do this, so you might as well accept it with some degree of dignity instead of making a big fuss about it. Yes, it can get very annoying, especially when you or the doctor has to repeat things because the damn paper is sending out Morse Code from betwixt your legs. (And really, what’s the true point of the paper? If something nasty or lethal actually gets spilled on it, are we seriously to believe some really wide but cheap toilet paper is going to save the day? Thinking not.)
9. Don’t let the doctor turn the examination into anything about him.
This is your party. You didn’t spend three days in the waiting room just so he could tell you about his own gall-bladder issue back in the day, or how he doesn’t really care for Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits. Keep all the focus on you, and be sure to fully detail every physical concern you have that might require further study or at least the prescribing of happy pills with an envy-worthy number of allowable refills. Some doctors instinctively understand the proper priority. Others do not, and you must train them. Be strong.
10. Lie when necessary.
Always give the impression that things are happening to you out of sheer fate and circumstance, and not because of you neglecting things like exercise, a healthy diet, and moderate use of alcohol. This is critical. You want important people like insurance claims approvers to feel sorry for you, not hate you because you’ve become a burden on society with your slacker ways and disinterest in following rules. After all, if the insurance money dries up, it may be a long time until you can afford to sit on crackly paper again and make musical stick-dolls. And that would just be sad.
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 08/24/11 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 02/21/14.
Story behind the photo: The interior of an abandoned military bunker that I stumbled into on top of the Rock of Gibraltar. (After a while, you get a little tired of the monkeys scampering everywhere and you need a break.) I thought it accurately represented some of the D-list examination rooms I’ve been shunted to after misbehaving at the doctor’s office. That relic in the right corner used to be my dignity. The empty space in the left corner is the doctor still not showing up after The Tongue Depressor Chorus Line has done three separate encores.
Categories: 10 Reasons Why
Bonnywood Manor 
This made me smile. I hate going to doctors and have been putting off my appointment for quite some time. I suppose these tips will help to keep me sane when I finally make it there.
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It’s always best to go into these situations with as much preparation as possible. I felt compelled to share my story since I managed to make it out alive without any lasting damage… 😉
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Haha. Well thanks for sharing. I’m sure I’m not the only one who needed to see it.
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This is like a handbook! Excellent.
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I did it just for you. Swear! 😉
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This was wonderful
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Thanks, Aurora!
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Haha… love it
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Glad you enjoyed it!
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God, I’m so glad I live in Ozland – shuddering at the thought of it all.
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Wait, none of this happens in Ozland? That’s it, I’m packing my bags… 😉
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Um, we have a very good health system compared to lots of places in the world – even the Public Hospitals are pretty good (at least here in Tassie – and I spent 3 years in and out of them with Hubby – and it cost us zilch $$ – heck knows what the Medicare bill looked like though). Plenty of space down here, green hills, beaches, mountains, rivers and I guess you would call our capital a teeny village 🙂
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Great advice!
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Just trying to be of service… 😉
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My number one rule is to try not to touch anything because the place is full of sick people germs.
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I try to touch as little as possible (except when it comes to the tongue depressors, apparently). But really, you’re sitting there in a thick fog of everybody’s wheezy crud, so there’s really only so much you can avoid…
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I think waiting IN the doctors room is worse than waiting in the waiting room. That’s where they REALLY forget about you. The impending doom of the door closing is the worst. They’ll forget about you in there and you’ll only be found when the cleaning crew comes in.
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LOL! And you go through a lot of mood swings in the inner chamber. You hear footsteps approaching, your heart beats a little faster with excitement, then those steps march right past. Damn it.
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I agree with Lorrie. Never touch anything, including magazines, because germs are everywhere, just waiting to jump on you. I’ve been forgotten in the exam room, I’m sure. I think they all went to a long lunch or something. I’ve even opened the ‘other’ door to holler, ‘hey, I’m still in here!’ haha! Love all your observations, Brian! 🙂
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Thanks, Barbara! I’m pretty sure I’ve been ditched for lunch as well, or at least an extended coffee break. It gets absolutely quiet, with no talking or coughing or patients not understanding that the doc can’t give them a new Hydrocodone prescription because he just filled it two days ago. Yep, I’ve been Left Behind. When somebody finally shows up, they inevitably smell like a Chinese buffet… 😉
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BWAH and hahahahahah!!! Lordie, the life you lead! C’mon over to read about my experience at the doctor’s office yesterday, I had a #3 encounter of the weird kind while there and wasn’t going to say anything, but now…hey! A precedent, set by you for being sarky and going on about it. Cheers Brian…have a great Tuesday! 😀
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Yep, I read your take on #3 a bit earlier and it tickled me rather nicely. I just had to leave a comment because it seems we have a mutual acquaintance. But don’t get too excited, it’s not that big of a deal… 😉
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Bravo; particularly in your creative use of photography!
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Thanks, Paul! And you get bonus points for reading the fine print at the end. Not everyone takes the time to do so… 😉
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All good points. Especially the bit about lying, which is helpful at the dentist as well. “Yes, I floss everyday! After every meal! I’m flossing right now!”
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Yep, I stretch the truth at the dentist as well. “At least three times a day, promise!” And two seconds later the hygienist and her malevolent cleaning/torture device hits a speed bump of tartar that has been there since 1972 and it burns the motor up…
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I never lie to the doctor. When she asks me how I’m doing (while texting her boyfriend or tax man or whoever) I tell her that the amputated leg she recently re-attached seems to be a bit floppy…then I wait to see if there is any reaction at all.
And no. I never talk in the waiting room. It is obvious the minute I walk in that I am not one to be talked to or fucked with.
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Oh, Laurel, you’ve got my mind clicking with the re-attachment story. Now I’m almost excited about my next appointment in June, thinking of ways that I can mess with the man. You’ve got to liven things up, right?
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I’ve always thought so. 🤣
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“Do not speak to anyone else in the waiting room.”
I am an avid talker to peopler but this is absolutely imperative. Hard pass.
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Unless he’s really cute and he’s not sick, only here because he’s kindly taking his grandmother around to her appointments. Then we might exchange a few pleasantries and possibly even a phone number… 😉
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I always suspected those scales were made 10 lbs +. Thanks for confirming my suspicion.
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It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya! 😉
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I always appreciate that they knock on the way in. Even if you are fully clothed. And they don’t stop and wait for an invitation, they knock and walk. The knock is superfluous. Like that question on the card machine at the check out stand. Is $24.98 OK? Like arm wrestling will change it? Knock knock, here we come. $24.98 is what we’re charging you regardless. Have a nice day!
One fun thing to do is, if you are stuck with someone who can’t read the sign and turn off their phone, you can laugh uncontrollably and talk loudly to an empty chair next to you like a mad person, cough, say swear words through a fake sneeze (awwwwwFOCKshoe) and make fart noises loud enough for their phone to pick them up. It’s also good to stand up, stagger toward them and act like the hurl from the depths of your being is on the way. “scuse me…ah…ummm….uhhhh…UHHHHHHH..AWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR” They will at least go in the lobby and say important things such as “Whatever. You know I told her, right? No, Maureen took the kids to…I told her, right? Whatever. And that dog of theirs…I told her, right?”
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One, when they do the courtesy knock as they fling the door open, it’s fun to scream (in a manly way, of course) a little bit and throw them off their game. Two, you have a warped and enticing mind. Three, I’m thinking you were at my last doctor’s appointment. Because there was a patient engaged in the very activities you describe, so either you WERE that person or you were a witness. So apparently we’ve met… 😉
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Having been on the other end of this encounter for years as a MRI tech I want to say there should be a limit to the number of questions patients are allowed to ask. My absolute most hated are the ones who sit on the edge of the table after the scan and ask ” anyway how does this machine work?” and won’t be fobbed off with ” it’s pretty complicated physics that took me 3 years to get a handle on and I don’t think I have a hope of explaining even the bare rudiments of it to you in the 2 minutes I have before I need to scan the woman with the huge brain tumour so let’s just call it magic and let me get on withe the ten gazzillion patients I have to cram in here before they let me out tonight”.
Just saying….
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Lindy, this is TOO funny. This is definitely going in a “best comments” blog post that I’ve been fiddling with for a week or two…
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I postpone these appointments as long as i possibly can. And i loathe that stupid scale. I look the other way on purpose, because love chocolate and wine and have not been exercising as i should be. But every time i say i don’t need to know, whoever weighs me and records it wants to TELL me.. you know, just in case i don’t know my own mind, and i want to know even when i SAID i did NOT. 🙂 Every. time.
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I can’t help but look during the weigh-in, even though I know there’s a chance I might be horrified. Of course, it usually doesn’t matter if I look or not, because the assistant hollers it out anyway… 😉
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I know, right?! It’s like she’s broadcasting it. So annoying
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