Humor

Mea Culpa

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”

“And how is that, my child?”

“It’s been over a week since my last blog.”

Silence on the other side of the confessional wall.

“Father?”

Throat clearing. Then, “Son, I’m not quite sure what this means, but I am here to guide you. What is this blog you speak of? Is it carnal in nature?”

“Oh no, Father. It’s nothing like that, although we probably should chat about those issues in our next session. No, a blog is where I post interesting things so that other people can read them.”

“You post things?” Short pause. “Are you sure this isn’t carnal?”

“Yes, Father. It’s like a diary, but it’s online, it’s on the Internet, and people visit my site to read what I put in this diary.”

“I see. This is a computer thing. Well, my son, we haven’t been allowed to have computers here since the unfortunate incident with Father O’Brien and that horrid website, the one with all the blaspheming and nudity and government agents posing as choirboys in chat rooms. You should never allow cookies on your computer, my son. Never!”

“Um, I really don’t know anything about that, so can we get back to me? How can I be clean again?”

“Well, Father O’Brien is currently getting clean in a state facility for five to seven years, although that may be a bit extreme in your case, especially since I don’t really understand what you’ve done. Or haven’t done and should have. Are we still talking about this blog thing?”

“Yes, Father, the blog. They say it’s a sin if you don’t post every day. That your readers will get bored and seek other blogs.”

“I am beginning to see the light, my son. Your flock is growing restless, and wandering from the pasture, turning away from The Source. We have seen a lot of this in The Church lately. It saddens me greatly, this loss of faith. Why are the sheep turning on us, when our message has not changed? For thousands of years?”

“Hmm. It might have something to do with you calling them sheep. But more to your point, maybe the sheep have cable TV and can watch other shows? Newer shows, based on what’s going on now, and not scripture written for issues that no longer apply? I’m just throwing that out there. But we’re still not quite back to me. How do I wash away this sin of neglect and abysmal results on Google Search?”

Long pause, during which can be heard a flurry of typing on a handheld device.

“Father, are you texting on your phone while I am confessing? Is that what Jesus would do?”

“My child, I am merely consulting the Internet to find the best advice for your troubling predicament. Have you ever been on Godipedia? It’s truly a spiritually-reaffirming place, for those times when the heathen atheists ask befuddling questions that were not covered during seminary training. But still, don’t allow cookies. Ever.”

“And what does this website, one that can be updated by anybody with a keyboard, have to say about my predicament?”

Another long pause, then “Feed the sheep daily. There can be no other way. You don’t want the sheep to pick up their non-stone tablet and start pushing enlightened buttons. So that should be your penance, you must blog every day whether you want to or not. Repetition is the key foundation of Our Church.”

“Thank you, Father. I will try harder to blog every day.”

“Good. Now that we have that out of the way, could you please place your order? My shift is about to end and the people in the cars behind you are getting a bit restless.”

“Sure, Father. I’ll have the Grease Bucket Burger, with cheese, and an order of onion rings. And a Grapette.”

“Got it. That’ll be $6.97. Please pull forward to the second window.”

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 05/23/09 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 09/16/15. Minimally revised and updated with extra Catholicism for this post.

 

44 replies »

    • With the way you travel? And the remote places you go? There’s no way. Besides, you’re one of those “established” bloggers who can go weeks without posting and still maintain a faithful following, with thousands of people pouncing on your latest entry the very second you release it. I say this with complete respect and awe, and only a slight smidge of almost-erotic jealousy… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. There are some sheep that have been recently ordained here, who would get restless if there are no daily posts. But they would not consider leaving the flock.
    Just so you know.
    I’ll have fries with that please.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. We have a restaurant in Grenoble called (English translation) ‘The Confessional’ and outside is an old church booth of the type you describe (I’m not Catholic … does it show?) where you sit on one side and they take your booking or check the book for your booking or do whatever else cloakroom staff do (sorry, returned to English Upper Crust roots there – I’m working on this lofty snobbery, Father, really I am ‘Hail Mary Full of Grace’). Anyway I’m minded to book a table though, disappointingly, I doubt I’ll get a double grease burger …. maybe some communion wine, do we think? Loved this. Double loved it, actually ❤️ ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • I still get a bit jealous when you casually mention details on your glorious life in France. “We have a restaurant in Grenoble” sounds so much more thrilling than “we have a Burger King in Waxahachie”. Sigh. Anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed this, and I’m promising for the fifth or so time that I’m still kicking around ideas for that story we discussed… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Geez, I am so lost in the forgotten hells of non-daily-blogging that I am sure I shall never be read again. I don’t care anyway. I do, however, enjoy reading yours whenever you bog, but I’m not keeping a daily tally. Feel free to blog, or not, as your heart desires, I shall still b hanging around like a bad smell that you just can’t find to eradicate.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Trust me, there are days when I seriously contemplate not caring if I ever post again, instead spending my time solely on the book writing. But I’m too addicted at this point. I really enjoy sharing my little bits, as well as getting to have lovely digital conversations with delightful people such as yourself… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • It is a bit of an addiction, isn’t it? The thrill of the comments, the wonder of the words someone else has conjured from 26 letters, the humour, the caring, the thoughtfulness. All good things to be addicted to I suspect.
        I don’t know what I would do without my does of “brian” – but the world would be a darker, less sparkly/snark place.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. “Yes, Father, the blog. They say it’s a sin if you don’t post every day. That your readers will get bored and seek other blogs.”

    Oh dear. That explains that.

    I keep my extra Catholicism on the side. I can’t quite come to grips with the order that’s already in the basket. We’re supposed to pray about the things we disagree with. Can you imagine? Next. I get caught up in that business I’ll never make another blog post.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well what with pesky LIFE getting in the way, I’d have absolved the poor soul (is that the correct thingie that Catholic persons in charge DO when a sheep has committed an unsheeply act? Absolution or something? I’m uninformed you see, being a heathen). Maybe have the petitioner write emails to the deceased Steve Jobs and apologize for embracing Microsoft instead of Apple. And I’m still trying to get over the fact that Jack Nicholsen (apparently) ever played a priest. That’s going to take some real soul searching (apologies to Google – the master of search engines). Hey! Maybe Google is God’s way of staying in touch?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wait, you post more often than I do. Ah hell, it doesn’t matter. I was just trying to be clever and not dictate policy. Speaking of policy, if Google is God’s way of staying in touch, why does He allow service charges for accessing the supposedly “free” Internet? This is getting deep. I may need to spend some quality meditation time on the patio. With a beer or two as reflective accessories… 😉

      Like

  6. I prefer to pretend I already am an “established” blogger, in fact, I started out one, and therefore people expect to hear from me only a couple times during a lunar cycle. My delusions serve me well, no Catholicism needed. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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