“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”
“And how is that, my child?”
“It’s been over a week since my last blog.”
Silence on the other side of the confessional wall.
Throat clearing. Then, “Son, I’m not quite sure what this means, but I am here to guide you. What is this blog you speak of? Is it carnal in nature?”
“Oh no, Father. It’s nothing like that, although we probably should chat about those issues in our next session. No, a blog is where I post interesting things so that other people can read them.”
“You post things?” Short pause. “Are you sure this isn’t carnal?”
“Yes, Father. It’s like a diary, but it’s online, it’s on the Internet, and people visit my site to read what I put in this diary.”
“I see. This is a computer thing. Well, my son, we haven’t been allowed to have computers here since the unfortunate incident with Father O’Brien and that horrid website, the one with all the blaspheming and nudity and government agents posing as choirboys in chat rooms. You should never allow cookies on your computer, my son. Never!”
“Um, I really don’t know anything about that, so can we get back to me? How can I be clean again?”
“Well, Father O’Brien is currently getting clean in a state facility for five to seven years, although that may be a bit extreme in your case, especially since I don’t really understand what you’ve done. Or haven’t done and should have. Are we still talking about this blog thing?”
“Yes, Father, the blog. They say it’s a sin if you don’t post every day. That your readers will get bored and seek other blogs.”
“I am beginning to see the light, my son. Your flock is growing restless, and wandering from the pasture, turning away from The Source. We have seen a lot of this in The Church lately. It saddens me greatly, this loss of faith. Why are the sheep turning on us, when our message has not changed? For thousands of years?”
“Hmm. It might have something to do with you calling them sheep. But more to your point, maybe the sheep have cable TV and can watch other shows? Newer shows, based on what’s going on now, and not scripture written for issues that no longer apply? I’m just throwing that out there. But we’re still not quite back to me. How do I wash away this sin of neglect and abysmal results on Google Search?”
Long pause, during which can be heard a flurry of typing on a handheld device.
“Father, are you texting on your phone while I am confessing? Is that what Jesus would do?”
“My child, I am merely consulting the Internet to find the best advice for your troubling predicament. Have you ever been on Godipedia? It’s truly a spiritually-reaffirming place, for those times when the heathen atheists ask befuddling questions that were not covered during seminary training. But still, don’t allow cookies. Ever.”
“And what does this website, one that can be updated by anybody with a keyboard, have to say about my predicament?”
Another long pause, then “Feed the sheep daily. There can be no other way. You don’t want the sheep to pick up their non-stone tablet and start pushing enlightened buttons. So that should be your penance, you must blog every day whether you want to or not. Repetition is the key foundation of Our Church.”
“Thank you, Father. I will try harder to blog every day.”
“Good. Now that we have that out of the way, could you please place your order? My shift is about to end and the people in the cars behind you are getting a bit restless.”
“Sure, Father. I’ll have the Grease Bucket Burger, with cheese, and an order of onion rings. And a Grapette.”
“Got it. That’ll be $6.97. Please pull forward to the second window.”
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 05/23/09 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 09/16/15. Minimally revised and updated with extra Catholicism for this post.