Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #94

Angelina was not in a festive mood. She had only agreed to pose for the up-and-coming photographer due to a whimsical bet that had gone awry at the country club. Then there was that whole mess with some government guy wanting to speak with her about the legal status of her domestic help. And, perhaps most annoying of all, she had once again inadvertently glued her hand to the side of her head just as Pedro had arrived with a tray of cocktails.

Angelina: “Pedro, I’m in a bit of a pickle.”

Pedro: “Is there a strange man in your bed once again? No worries. I’ll find him something nice in the petty cash drawer and then have him escorted out the servants’ entrance.”

Angelina: “Oh, I had completely forgotten that I entertained last night, so please be a dear and make those arrangements shortly. I believe his name is name is Montpelier, although that might just be the bar where I found him. But no, my immediate issue is that I’ve had a mishap with some adhesive and now my drinking hand is bonded to my head. It’s so frustrating when this happens.”

Pedro: “Ah, I see that now. Well, we can attend to that momentarily. But before I have the gardener report to the main house, I should point out that these drinks are on the verge of getting warm, and you know how miffed you get when that happens. Perhaps you could use your other, non-drinking hand? Since we’re in a pinch?”

Angelina: “Are you insane? The other hand is my smoking hand and I’m not about to put this cigarette down unless Montpelier arises and is interested in Round Seven instead of the cash option.”

Pedro: “How horrid of me to suggest such a thing. Instead, perhaps you could just tilt your head back and make like a baby bird. I’ll pour the martini directly down your throat.”

Angelina: “Splendid!”

[Sounds of modified water-boarding fill the air, followed by a not-so-discreet belch. It’s hard to be lady-like when one is guzzling.]

Pedro: “All better now?”

Angelina: “Much. In fact, you’ve proven yourself so valuable during this time of personal crisis, perhaps you could support me in the alleviation of a few other dramas.”

Pedro: “I’m here to help you out with whatever you need, mainly because you pay me to do just that. It’s a basic economic principle. How can I assist you in a way that does not jeopardize my yearning need to flee this compound precisely at the end of my shift?”

Angelina: “There’s some horrid government man coming to make sure my employees are legal residents and I don’t know if-”

Pedro: “Say no more. Everyone on the staff has at least three sets of documentation. After all, your late husband, may he rest in peace after his mysterious fall from your bedroom balcony just minutes after the two of you had an intense conversation about infidelity, was a Republican. He prepared us all to be able to change our identities and beliefs by the hour. There shouldn’t be an issue with the horrid government man.”

Angelina: “Wonderful. And then there’s the matter of the horrid photographer who wants to take my picture for Vanity Unfair. I just can’t bear the thought of him hovering about until all of my limbs have liberty and mobility. Could you detain him for a bit until the gardener gets here with the hedge trimmers?”

Pedro: “Worry not. He’s out on the guest lanai right now, holding a rather large zoom lens in his lap and fiddling with the settings. I can assure you that such imagery has inspired me to perform great and noble acts of lusty pursuit. I believe I can keep him occupied.”

Angelina: “Oh? I guess I hadn’t noticed your team affiliation.”

Pedro: “It’s another of my many skill sets. Just ask Montpelier.”

Angelina: “Really? I didn’t realize that we were double-dipping. Wait, did your dipping take place during my dipping? What exactly happened last night?”

Pedro: “Rest assured that it was not a complete bacchanal. There was just this brief three-hour window when you were face down on the private beach, weakly singing nursery rhymes, and Monty went exploring a bit. A certain situation arose and I got my Christmas bonus a bit early.”

Angelina: “Well, then. It appears that you have things under control. Run take care of Vanity Man whilst I await the gardener. But before you go?”

Pedro: “Yes?”

Angelina: “I see that there are still two martinis on your tray. And Baby Bird needs another worm.”

Pedro: “Don’t we all, Miss Jolie.”


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