Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #197

Director: “I’m sorry, what are you trying to accomplish with that pose?”

Actress: “I’m showing the inner torment of my character.”

Director: “When did your character become a pouty mermaid? We don’t even have any water in this film.”

Actress: “Isn’t that a picture of the Titanic behind me?”

Director: “Um, no, that’s a graphic image of a rock formation in the Grand Canyon. Because this movie is about migrant workers in Arizona. Where they don’t have a lot of water. Or mermaids. Did you even read the script?”

Actress: “I find that reading scripts is beneath me.”

Director: “How about finding your way to the exit door? Because if that’s beneath you, I have people who can carry you there.”

Actress: “I get the impression that you might feel slightly hesitant about giving me this role.”

Director: “And that’s the first thing you’ve gotten right in this entire audition. Luck of the draw, I suppose.”

Actress: “And I suppose I could read something from the script. Do you have a copy handy? I used mine to keep the bathroom door open. Old house and all, and the foundation needs some work. Like me.”

Director: “It’s really sweet how you keep trying. But no. This interview has already lasted far too long and there’s a bottle of gin in my office that hasn’t been touched in at least two hours.”

Actress, sighing: “Very well. I guess I can look on the bright side. This gives me time to change outfits for my next audition.”

Director: “Oh? Are you trying out for another part? You do understand that there isn’t one for you in this movie, right?”

Actress: “I think that’s clear now. No, this audition is on the next soundstage over, where people don’t get quite as fussy about the script.”

Director: “But that’s… that’s where John Chevy shoots his blue movies. Those low-budget things with little plot and lots of unexplained nudity.”

Actress: “Yes, I know what they are. I was featured in 24 of them last month.”

Director: “Twenty… how on earth did you get involved in such things? And where do you find the energy?”

Actress: “Well, my foundation wasn’t going to fix itself, so I had to do something. Of course, the pay isn’t all that hot, which is why you have to be in so many of them. This week alone I’m up for parts in It Happened All Night, Gunga Din-Din, The Grapes of Rhett and The Philadelphia Whorey.”

Director: “I don’t even know what to say at this point. Wait, yes I do. So this means you might be willing to take a small role in my own movie that involves a brief bit of artistic nudity? There’s a critical scene where one migrant worker performs a traditional ceremony from her home country, wherein she lifts her bared breasts to the heavens in order to bless the crops?”

Actress: “Oh, I just did that very thing in The Slut Also Rises.”

Director: “Perfect! I’ll talk to the producer and see what we can do.”

Actress, smiling: “That sounds splendid! By the way, I actually know the producer. He’s a fan of 23 of those 24 movies I made last month, he didn’t care for Balls of Fire, what with that startling campfire scene, and he’s already assured me that the role of Vesuvia the Breast-Barer is mine. All of this was a formality to maintain the sham that you have creative control on this production. Now do you understand why I don’t bother to read scripts?”

Director: “Once again, I don’t know what to say.”

Actress: “You don’t have to say anything. But get over here and help me off this floor. I’m a little sore after shooting a scene in The Great Gaspy.”


23 replies »

  1. I got the mermaid, immediately, I just didn’t know it was so apparent to so many. Huh. Must be losing my edge. So I’m going with the other thought that floated through the transom of my mind, only to float out again seconds later. Stupid thoughts. Where was I? Oh yeah..the gratuitous nudity and pouty lips. My second thought, after thinking, “Damn she’s pretty OLD to be trying out for Ariel (the mermaid, not the guy (?) from A Midsummer’s Night Dream)..was that she’d lost her bra strap and any girl knows that’s distracting and highly uncomfortable on a level that makes one lose out on auditions for sketchy ‘art’ films…but then you said she WAS nude under there…the whole volcano of breasts thingie… Um. Oh, (apologies to William Shakespeare, whom I dearly revere) …I thought of another nifty title for a ‘blue/art’ film…”A Midsummer’s Night Stream….” ties in nicely with the mermaid outfit and water that the ‘actress’ was channelling…you think?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I must bow down to your “Stream”, a phrase which looks much more socially-damaging in print than it did in my head. No matter, I relish your suggestion and I’m not afraid to say it. Switching gears a bit, I’m intrigued by you bringing “Midsummer” into this night mix. There are so many things I could do with a character named “Puck”. And now I’m off to tinker with the possibilities… 😉


  2. And then there’s the whole “I’ve got a stiletto up an orifice that shall remain unnamed due to the sensitive nature of readers of Bonnywood Manor”…because I’m sitting on my shoes in a position that would make even the most flexible of us start to fret after a while. C’mon guy with the camera, take the *bleep* shot already, that shoe is really starting to dig in there…and I need to be fresh for my next scene..

    Liked by 1 person

    • But really, considering the number of blue movies she has made in a record-breaking amount of time, would she really notice ANYTHING that was intruding in her personal space?… 😉


  3. Loved the movie titles. The Slut Also Rises is my favorite, but there’s much to be said for Gunga Din-Din.
    I’ll offer one: The Maltese Strumpet.
    Yes? No?
    How about One Night Over the Hooker’s Bed?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It Happened All Night! Lol snort. Well, she’s persistent here, that’s for sure.. and it appears.. super energetic. That’s a lot of blue movie-ing.

    Liked by 1 person

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