Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #41

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Flapper #1: “I really need to win this audition, so I made a bold statement with my hat and I almost let people see my France. Of course, I’m always running about and flashing my France, so this really isn’t different than any other day for me. But this time I have to pay attention because there’s more money involved than usually changes hand. I have got to get that 401k started.”

Flapper #2: “Does it look like I’ve been drinking? I hope not. I really didn’t mean to get into that mess once again, but there weren’t any interesting magazines to read in the green room and I had to do something to pass the time. Oh, well. At least the drinking will ease the pain when I get cut in this audition. I always do. Because of the drinking.”

Flapper #3: “Hey, is that Greta Garbo standing over there in the wings? She’s always showing up in these Past Imperfects, the scene-stealing little tramp. It’s not fair. She’s already a famous movie star and doesn’t need these low-paying gigs. And what is so special about her? ‘Oh, look at me, I’m self-involved and I don’t understand English.’ That’s nothing special, the same can be said about our current president. Wait, maybe that’s the key to appearing in multiple Past Imperfects. You have to be snooty and clueless. And work with Russia behind the scenes.”

Flapper #4: “I was a social misfit in high school, so I’m just really glad to finally be part of a group. Wait, is that a watermelon slice stuck on my head? Damn it. Why does this always happen to me? You have no idea how many times my life plans have been wrecked by sudden fruit intrusions. It’s annoying as all get out. And why does it always have to be fruit? If I’m destined to have unwelcome food constantly appearing on my head, can’t we mix it up a bit? Maybe some dairy every once in a while? Geez.”

Casting Director: “Ladies, I didn’t call action yet. Why are you bouncing around like that? There must be discipline on a movie set. Explain yourselves at once.”

Flapper #1: “France.”

Flapper #2: “Drinks.”

Flapper #3: “Snooty.”

Flapper #4: “Cheese.”

Orson Welles, banging through the back door of the sound stage: “Oh my GOD, that’s a perfect badly-translated title for my next foreign film. I can’t wait to get started even though I don’t have a script or a story. I wonder if Greta Garbo is available?”

Voice from off stage: “Oui.”

 

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42 replies »

    • Okay, I have no idea where this is going to end up since we have a lot of branches on this comment, but here goes: I used the usually-trusty “Google image search” tool to see what roads we could follow. I half expected to find out that this was indeed a still from “Some Like it Hot”, since folks are mentioning Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis and that would make sense. However, I didn’t find a match on that angle. (Not ruling it out, just saying.) Several sites indicated this was a shot of women doing the Charleston at the London Stage Review in the 1920s. Seems plausible except, and this is just my opinion, the clothes don’t look “period” to me. They look “trying to be period after the fact”, with the exception of the shoes, which do look appropriate. And then we have the quality of the photo, which seems too crisp for something taken nearly 100 years ago. So this one goes in the “I have no idea” file, and thus we end our investigation for the day. Until somebody pops in with something else… 😉

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        • Actually, that’s a fair and valid question. Hmm. Well, London has The Underground, which could possibly mean the booty, and the Tower of London, which is what many men THINK they have, and London Bridge, which another nursery rhyme reminds us is always falling down over time, which could be certain breasts, and…. Yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on this one… 😉

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          • I don’t know how it is elsewhere in the world, but when I was a kid (in the late 1970s), in India, “going to London” was a euphemism for the toilet. Perhaps it was our way of getting back to the Britons for colonizing us for centuries….

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  7. Actually Flapper #2 is trying her version of “Hello Sailor!” in a vain attempt to finally get laid and put to rest all those folks who whisper about her behind their hands. And Flapper #3 (aka Delta Burke – “the Lean Years”) is checking out the sailor to see if he’s worth all the fuss #2 is making… Flapper #4 is the Tony Curtis stand-in who crept into the chorus line of “France and it’s Snooty Cheese Drinkers” – an original play by Flapper #1, who is practicing her moui (spelling?) of distaste for snooty cheese in general. It’s an acquired taste… Don’t you love women who can multi-task?? 😉

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  8. I thought they were all auditioning for the back end of the two person large dog costume and the director said “Now, in your mind’s eye, you just drank a gallon of water, now channel fire hydrant. Big, red…”

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  11. Orson Welles showing up is classic! Why did I see Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis as the Flappers 3 & 4? Of course Flapper #1 is a casting couch favorite. She is Sharon Stone’s grandmother. This was pure gold, Brian!

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    • I admire your ability to run the race, with whatever flair you choose. Me? If I don’t drop to the ground in a panic attack at the sound of the starting gun, I’m too discombobulated to flee with any grace or style. Unless I’m headed to the Chinese Buffet line. I will knock everyone don and get there first…

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