10 Reasons Why

10 Roadway Signs That Might Need Some Clarification for Certain People

I understand that some of our fellow travelers don’t quite grasp the instructional signage they may encounter whilst driving to their therapist. Let me help you out with that.

1. YIELD

This means that you are not the priority in this situation. Other people temporarily have more authority, and you must bow down to their needs. Just because you think you have a cuter car or a prettier outfit, you can’t ignore the laws of this particular jungle. Slow down, carefully review your surroundings, and let the A-List people do what they need to do.

Once the cavalcade of higher-privileged cars appears to cease, you may cautiously attempt to proceed. However, if you spot another car coming in the priority lane, then hit the break again. Do not try darting maneuvers or pretend that you have vision issues. We know you see us, and we sure as hell are not going to slow down because we have the right of way. If you are not satisfied with this arrangement, you should make better travel decisions and never drive on a road that doesn’t get top billing.

Extreme Violators: The folks on the service road who try to outrace the folks exiting a high-speed highway. The cars taking the off-ramp are hurtling along at 700mph. You are puttering along at 40mph. If you can’t do the math here, you deserve to have an insurance agent asking you harsh questions.

2. MERGE

This means you need to get into a different lane. Your lane is no longer an important one, and is about to no longer even be a lane. Find the lane that still has the blessing of traffic engineers, and head that way. There should be additional helpful signs that can assist you with your decision (if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that the signs gave you a heads up two miles back, you twit). But if you’re still having trouble, look for the lane that has the most people. That’s probably the right one. Unless the rest of your family is out driving as well, in which case they might as well shut down the city.

Extreme Violators: The stupid people who ignored the two miles of warning signs and then try to physically shove their car into the correct lane, without even bothering to flip on a turn signal. Dude, I am NOT letting you in. Have a nice day.

3. STOP

Do whatever it takes to make your vehicle quit moving. Now.

Extreme Violators: The self-centered trollops who barrel past a stop sign without even pretending to slow down. This is how nations fail and Donald Trump tweets.

4. —>

I can understand how you might be a little confused over this one. There aren’t any words, pictures or sock puppets to help you out. This symbol is telling you that the people in your lane, which includes you because you are in that lane (I’ll give you some time to absorb that, since you apparently need it), are expected to turn right. It does not mean you should come to a complete stop, scratching your head. (That would be a different sign. See previous entry.) Don’t sit there idling in your car, filled with bewilderment and functional failure. It also doesn’t mean that you are authorized to drive straight through the intersection as a willful alternative to turning. There is NO alternative. Go to the right, Carol Anne.

Oh, and this little sign has a cousin that looks like this:  <— . This means drive to the left. See how this works? Seriously, you’ll eventually be able to grasp this, if you just focus hard enough and turn down the radio.

Extreme Violators: The cretins who try to drive straight through and then bang on their horns when someone cuts them off because the horn-banger is supposed to be turning.

5. SPEED LIMIT 45 MPH

This is not a suggestion. It’s a rule. That little pointer thing in the round thing on your dashboard thing? You know, the one with numbers in a circle? The little pointer should not go higher than 45. (“Higher” means the bigger numbers. The pointer shouldn’t touch those.) You don’t pay my insurance premiums. Therefore, you don’t have the right to force me to USE my insurance because your stupidity ran me off the road when you were late for your court appearance.

Extreme Violators: The manic bastards who lead-foot it, terrorizing everybody as they shift lanes every three seconds just to get one more car ahead. Yet we all end up at the same stoplight two miles down the road. Just what did you prove, Ye of Jacked-Up Genetics?

6. NO HAND-HELD PHONE USAGE IN SCHOOL ZONE

That thing clutching the phone you’re talking on? That’s your hand. The phone should not be there when you’re driving near large groups of children exiting a building. Put it down. And stop breeding so there’s no need for you to be anywhere around here.

Extreme Violators: The people who challenge the traffic citations they are given for doing this very thing. Really? This is how nations fail, Part Deux.

7. ONE WAY

Okay, concentrate on this one. All those people coming toward you, filling up all the lanes? None of them are going the wrong way. You are.

Extreme Violators: The twits who just keep going the wrong way instead of turning down a side-street in shame. Where the hell did you go to school? Because we need to find that place and shut it down.

8. HANDICAPPED PARKING ONLY

I’ll temporarily put aside my desire to see another term used for this type of sign. (It just has a negative connotation for me and I’d rather see some other terminology. Perhaps I’m oversensitive because of mobility challenges in my own family.) What I won’t put aside are the absolute assholes (I’m getting a bit forceful with my words in this post; it makes me feel a bit tingly and I rather like it) who commandeer a handicapped parking space when they have no right to do so, nimbly sprinting out of their vehicle just so they can grab a cappuccino at Starbuck’s.

Extreme Violators: Anyone who has done this, ever.

9. EXIT ONLY

This means that you should not be coming into the parking lot at this particular junction. This is a portal for people to leave the parking lot, because they are done doing whatever and they want to get away before people like you show up. But because you weren’t reading the signs (probably because you were listening to Rush Limbaugh and he doesn’t want you to read anything or his show would fail), you are now confronted with a long line of cars trying to go in your direction.

And this here train is not going to magically get out of your way, as there are too many of us and therefore we trump this situation, so you need to take some action. Stop sitting there like a challenged farm animal, blinking at us in utter vapidity and uselessness. Back your ass up, and try to find the actual entrance. Or just drive to the nearest police department and turn yourself in, because you’re eventually going to end up there and you might as well be proactive about the situation.

Extreme Violators: Again with the honking. Do you not understand that everyone on the planet is against you at this point? Literally and figuratively. Your misguided mission has failed. Reboot and back up.

10. COMPACT CARS ONLY

What THIS means, Bertha, is that there are size limitations on what can be placed between the two white lines on both sides of this sign. To help you out a little bit, the compact-car category does not include any of the following: Cadillacs that are longer than your average city block, two-ton pickups that have been purchased because somebody in the family is trying to compensate for a diminutive penis, or any version of those damn Hummers that shouldn’t be on public roads in the first place. (Why in the world would you need to drive a military-grade vehicle? Are you planning to invade another country for political reasons? If not, then you don’t need that thing. Sell it and send several of your children to college instead.)

Oh, and one last note: If you truly don’t know how to read, you shouldn’t be behind the wheel. I understand that we do have something of a problem with illiteracy in this country, which is tragic and entirely avoidable. But if you’ve managed to snag a driver’s license, you were able to read something somewhere along the line, so you really can’t use that as an excuse. Which means that you have other issues that are causing your ineptitude as a friendly driver, and perhaps you should look into the wonderful world of public transportation options. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Extreme Violators: Anybody who read this post and thought “Oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to do that.” Nations fail, Part Trois.

Cheers.

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 07/16/10 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 02/25/14. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post.

 

37 replies »

  1. 11. Those lights that flash on the back and front of your vehicles are called indicators. You are supposed to activate them when turning left or right. It helps the poor soul behind you work out where you’re planning on going.

    How some people even get a driving licence is beyond me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly! As long as you have the courtesy to signal, I’ll let you do just about whatever you want. It’s the folks who just expect you to deal with their unannounced movements that make me grit my teeth and say very unkind things…

      Like

  2. So here in Minnesota we have two seasons…winter and road construction. We also have this thing called the zipper merge which I am sure you would HATE because everyone (including me during this horrible traffic season) ride until the VERY end and even further if possible, so that “your lane ends” thing…isn’t really applicable to us. We ignore those silly rules. 🙂
    Please tell me you’re not the A-hole driving speed limit in the left lane…holding up traffic…are you? Oh Brian, just when I thought we could be friends. I’m driving everywhere we go together.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We used to have this Zipper thing on highways here in Dallas, a giant machine that would move a segmented concrete barrier so that one lane of the highway could become an HOV lane during rush hour, but I don’t know if this is similar to what you are talking about. (Although we did have people racing to beat the Zipper, and there was usually at least one accident every day.) And I never drive in the left lane on highways unless I am forced to swerve over there because some fool has just done something stupid and I don’t want to die before I’ve watched all the DVDs I have stockpiled in my movie collection… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. BWAHAHAHHAHHAHHAAA…. gasp ……BWAHHHHHHAHAHAHHA!! O dear God. Thank you for this pithy and real view of ‘driving 101’. Now have you printed up pamphlets that I can easily insert under the windshield wipers of virtually every other driver in Utah (besides me. I drive jest fine). All those horn happy f*ckers and ugly men in big trucks (and yeah, I agree, they’re trying to make up for something else that’s weensy) who yell at me have to be wrong, right? 😉 You’ll get full credit, but you’ve ‘sparked’ a post for me to write with this one! Cheers to YOU! or Salud!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just dropped off a box of pamphlets at the post office, so be sure to check your mail in the next few days. (I also included a tub of industrial glue so you can make sure the pamphlets STAY on the windshields of the really annoying drivers) And I anticipate with great relish your own take on this maddening situation… 😉

      Like

  4. Phoenix has a reputation for speedy drivers. I always took it to be on account of our many NASCAR fans. After being in New York, I now think we speed because we can. Wide lanes and far fewer cars and vroom! We’re off!
    The best thing about our roads though are the digital signs on freeways. I don’t know who comes up with the quips, but they’re brilliant:
    “Get Your Head out of Your Apps”
    “Live to See the Cardinals Win – Buckle Up”
    “Unlike Tonsils, Turn Signals Serve a Purpose”
    “Driving Single in HOV Lane? Get a Real Date Loser”
    “That’s the Temperature, Not the Speed Limit”
    and my personal favorite:
    “Tell Ducey We Need More Money for Witty Signs” (Ducey being our Governor)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Those digital slogans are quite entertaining, which leads me to ask, and I’m trying to approach this delicately, are you sure you live in the Arizona that I perceive as Arizona? Maybe I’m just confused, because Texas is a Republican state as well, and the majority of the people do not put up with signs of cleverness, intelligence or possible disapproval of the governor… [Edit added later: On second reading, this is coming across more harsh and less silly than I intended. Mea culpa if you do not find it amusing. I’ll try better next time.]

      Liked by 1 person

      • No worries, I caught the silly intent.
        In truth, AZ politics has always had an element of the weird and silly, so without a sense of humor, we couldn’t handle it. What else do you make of a Republican governor with a name of Fife Symington, who resigns after being convicted of extortion and bank fraud, goes to jail, is pardoned by Clinton, and is now a pastry chef at one of our upscale restaurants? Yet despite that, he’s not our most colorful politician.
        So there you go.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Arizona that I believe he is referencing is the one my auntie lives in…she’s an old fart in a gated senior community (they PAY to have the gate, they’re not locked in..it’s a come and go at leisure idea).. She is Republican, but overall? The people there are way more liberal than 99.9% of most any Utahan you can find. I’m in that .1% in case things get confusing…I’m neither red nor blue, I’m PURPLE dammit. Curtsey or bow when you encounter Royals… 😉

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Remember the days of “55 Nationwide” and to conserve gas, they allowed us to turn “right on red?”
    I saw a sign that had clearly been made by somebody who was either drunk, couldn’t read or just didn’t give a shit.
    It said “right on left if red.”
    There were no smart camera taking phones back then…my memory is the only picture I have. 🤣🚦🚥

    Liked by 1 person

  6. #8 – I have a post brewing, but – Guy with handicap plates has signal on, waiting for handicap parking spot to clear. Car comes down the aisle from wrong way, temp handicap tag on mirror, cuts handicapper off, steals the space. Handicap guy throws car in park, climbs out waving his cane. Extreme female whale climbs out of 90’s land yacht, no mobility assistance devices, no casts. “You’re not handicapped!” the old guy bellows, “Goddammit you’re just FAT!” which I suppose, after you assume proportions too grand to mount the electric scooter cart, IS a handicap. No, the old guy wasn’t me. But I had his back, in case the whale turned mean.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lol! Yes. I get especially wound up when i see people who have no right to park in the handicapped space park in the handicapped space. Then i just think, must be a Trump voter. Self absorbed and only cares for himself/herself.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s