Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #381

Humphrey Bogart: “I told you to stop arguing with me. Don’t you understand that I have a gun pointed at you?”

Bette Davis: “But that’s what I’m talking about. I can’t take that gun seriously. Did you steal it from one of the munchkins in The Wizard of Oz? I have hair barrettes that could do more damage.”

Leslie Howard: “Bette, let’s not antagonize the man. He has hair like James Dean will eventually have, so you know he has issues. And he hasn’t shaved, which really accents his jaw… his manly jaw and… what were we talking about?”

Humphrey: “Both of you need to shut up. I just renewed my contract with Warner Brothers so I’m not the one that’s going to die in this scene.”

Bette: “I’m not scared of you. I just won my first Oscar, bitch.”

Leslie: “Well, I’m scared. Should I give you my phone number so we can talk about it?”

Humphrey: “Aw, screw it. I’m done with the both of you. I’m just gonna go over here and wait for Lauren Bacall to get discovered.”

Bette: “Hold up. You can’t just belch your way in here and threaten everybody with a party favor and then not follow through. If you really want to win that Oscar, somebody has to die in this scene.”

Leslie: “Now, Bette. Winning awards isn’t all that important. Possibly dying before I officially come out of the closet? That ranks a bit higher. Let’s not be so pushy with James Dean.”

Humphrey: “Both of you are insane.”

Bette: “Oh, that’s another way to win an Oscar. Maybe we can make some script changes. Where’s the screenwriter?”

Leslie: “He clearly gave up on this post about three lines ago and is just letting it drift back into harbor on its own.”

Humphrey: “Doesn’t he always?”


27 replies »

  1. I have never understood the casting of Leslie Howard in the roll of Ashley Wilkes in Gone With The Wind. I don’t believe they ever explained how a “southen boy” had a British accent. Vivien Leigh did her best but it sure wasn’t enough. I have also never understood why “Hollywood” doesn’t get true Southerners to coach these actors how to speak…true “Southern.” LOLOL
    Bogart? Never saw any of his movies. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

      • I know! When George Clooney was going to be in O Brother, Where Art Thou, he sent his script to his uncle on Kentucky. George was born there but moved when he was young.
        He got his uncle to record himself reading the script, so he could get the accent down pat. I thought it was pretty believable. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Leslie is thinking “how do I get away from that thorny branch that has somehow made its way into the scene?” The twist should have been that Bogie’s gun was actually Spencer Tracy’s liquorice one from Adam’s Rib.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad you pointed that out. I was trying really hard to work that spiky whatever it is into the story, but I just couldn’t make it work. And yes, it would have been quite fun if Leslie or Bette had just snatched up the gun and taken a bite out of it…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Aren’t they at sea? Not only in the PLOT, but literally? Bette clearly is confused about Mr. Howard, clutching at him in a purely girlish way, which might be why she won the Oscar. She could ACT (although seeing her recently in an old movie – one of Agatha Christie’s “Marple” movies..she must have been somewhere around a thousand years old at that point, made me realize that strokes triumph over the most iron willed). Now that film sir, might make a smashing Past Imperfect… (Murder With Mirrors – Helen Hayes..ect). Back to our stormy sea and plastic gun and Bogey channeling backward Ben Affleck in any of his recent films where that unshaven bad boy thing is his style… where was I? Oh who the hell knows? Great post as usual sir, I laughed hysterically. You put such a fine point on the dialogue!

    Liked by 1 person

    • This scene was clearly written, staged, and directed by Helen Keller. Still, it’s better than 97% of the movies that come out THESE days, all of which seem to concern large explosions that cause the lead actress to lose her blouse at some point. I’d love to do the Agatha Christie movie, but that flick violates the one rule I have about the Past Imperfects: The photo has to be black and white. Maybe I should start a third category to go with the Past Imperfects and the Present Tenses? Hmm…

      Liked by 1 person

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