Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #15

Photographer: “Excuse me, Miss Dunaway. What exactly are you and your leg doing?”

Faye: “I’m photographing you photographing me. It’s all the rage in the art scene after Antonioni started doing it when he directed Blow-Up. And artsy people really enjoy doing obscure things based on obscure Italian directors in the 60s who made subtitled movies.”

Photographer: “How lovely. Still, I wasn’t really photographing you. I was waiting for you to stop jacking around and get out of the way because we have Claudette Colbert getting antsy in the Green Room, and you know how those French women get when schedules are interrupted. In fact, you can’t really be here.”

Faye: “Why not? I’ve played Bonnie Parker and Joan Crawford. I think that gives me the right to be wherever I want to be. And stop moving around so much, you little beast. I’m trying to focus but I can’t do that if you’re channeling Helen Keller at the water well.”

Photographer: “Miss Dunaway, you really need to go. This is where we do the Past Imperfects, and you don’t qualify for one of those.”

Faye: “The Past Imperfects? I’ve heard of those. Go ahead, put me in one of them. Hell, even bad publicity is still publicity.”

Photographer: “As I mentioned, Miss Won’t-Go-Away, you’re not the right material. We only lovingly desecrate older black-and-white movies.”

Faye: “Oh, please. I’ve got this odd thing going on with my leg, I have a Hurricane Katrina hairdo, and I’m sporting so much eyeliner that people in Australia are experiencing an unannounced eclipse. There’s enough material here for you to get a good three-page post. Just pretend that this shot is from some lost two-reeler directed by Charlie Chapstick when he was on yet another morphine bender.”

Photographer: “I can’t do that. The film lovers on my website will know right away this shot is a still from your 1978 movie, Eyes of Laura Mars, wherein you played a photographer dealing with the psychological trauma of supermodels being killed off faster than replacements can be found in what will eventually be the former Soviet Union.”

Faye: “That’s ridiculous. No film lover is that good. I barely remember the movie myself, and I was on the set. You can just fudge things a bit, like the way you try to make your posts seem more interesting than they really are.”

Photographer: “Apparently you haven’t read the comments on my blog. If I try to deceive them in any way, they are on me like it’s last call at the only Chinese Buffet in town.”

Embeecee, a freelance artist, wandering onto the stage, fresh from Utah because she has to drive really far to find rewarding recreational activities: “I think Faye Dump-Away is right. You really need to stop being so anal about the photos you choose.”

Photographer, possibly harboring anti-Utah sentiments or probably just perturbed that things were out of control once again: “How the hell did you get in here?”

Embeecee: “Momma has skills that you don’t need to know about.” Turning to Faye: “I really loved your work in The Graduate.”

Faye: “I wasn’t in The Graduate, Utah Gal. And I’m sure you weren’t either.”

Embeecee: “Oh. Well, screw you, then.” Turning to the Photographer: “I’m going to go talk to Claudette in the Green Room. Maybe she won’t be so snooty, even if she is French.” Then Embeecee sauntered away, snatching a few things from the craft services table because, well, you might need some nosh in a pinch. Measure twice, cut once.

Photographer: “Is it time for one of my pills yet?”

Faye: “Oh, cut the crap. Just put me in one of your Past Imperfects. I’d beg you, but I’m too tired after trying to keep my eyes open with all this mascara.”

Photographer, sighing: “Fine. I give in. This post will just have to do. Tomorrow is another day.”

Embeecee, hollering from the Green Room: “You stole that line from Gone with the Wind!”

Photographer: “See what I mean?”

Faye: “I’d feel sorry for you but my leg is cramping.”

 

 

Completely Superfluous Note: The original version of Past Imperfect #15, written several years ago, before the “Past Imperfect” concept was fleshed out, had a much shorter and different story line. (Kudos to those of you who follow both sites who have noticed that the stories on “Crusty Pie” often change dramatically when I shove them over here on “Bonnywood Manor”.) I had avoided recycling this one, because the timestamp on the photo was a clear violation of the Past Imperfect theme. Then I had a conversation with Embeecee, who has somewhat convinced me that I should branch out a bit. We’ll see how it goes…

 

23 replies »

  1. When I entered the wrong room in the gym, instead of the Zumba I had intended to attend, the very mean cross-fitness trainer made me do that pose as part of his “lets see how much weight a vagina can hold” routine.
    So, don’t belittle the poor woman. She must have downed large doses of ibuprofen for the next few days.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. She IS in quite an interesting pose for taking a photograph. If i tried to strike that pose, i’d surely fall over. It looks more like yoga than photography! This is hilarious. One of my fave Past Imperfects yet. In fact, it’s quite perfect! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • The thing is, I remember really liking this movie, “Eyes of Laura Mars”, back in the day, so I felt a little guilty in skewering it. (I think I actually had the soundtrack. On vinyl, of course.) But this shot is just so ripe for parody that I had to seize the absurdist quality and run with it… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Boy! Take a little time off, and look what happens! BWAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!! Oh? You might want to clue in the caterers that their brie and grape combo needs freshening…if it’s been there since 1978, it’s getting a bit stale.. of course I grabbed one of those still fresh after all these years Twinkies…from the Original Hostess company. It tasted okay…

    Now wasn’t there supposed to be a ‘fiddle dee dee’ along with that Wind reference? maybe Ms. Dunaway (who I’m ashamed to say I confuse with Meryl Streep ((both over act IMHO)) has a job for me in my artsy persona, but I’d have to actually leave Utah and we both know that ain’t happening. Anti-Utah sentiments? What? Did you sneak in here and get greeted by the ‘We’re MORMONS” gate keepers or something? Even those guys from “South Park” admitted Mormons are the ONES…. perhaps you brushed up against one of the “I’m RED or I’m DED (yeah, Meatloaf…)” weirdos who make up most of the populace and tend to not remember that being red is NOT something “Jesus would do”. But He wouldn’t be ‘blue’ either…I don’t think politics is a part of His long term plan. And yeah, I came, I saw, I hijacked another comment on “Past Imperfects”

    I AM glad you found ol’ Faye there grist for the mill. Seriously, I love the old black and whites, even if I get the dialogue wrong or who acted in what mixed up more often than not. It’s just there’s so damn many remakes of the same story out there and I suck at time logic and history and geography and many other things. Utah schools were indeed worthless.

    Liked by 2 people

    • See, now I’m not sure if you appreciated me working you into the story or not. Instinct tells me to blow it out my ass, of course you liked it. (How could someone NOT relish the opportunity to say “screw you” to Faye Dunaway and then get to take advantage of free food afterwards? This seems like a life dream to me.) Still, I always worry about offending people, even when I shouldn’t worry, a fundamental plank in my neuroses to this day.

      Now, as for your comment about hijacking a comment thread, don’t ever worry about that. It makes me blissfully happy when you do so. Other folks might think, wow, girl sure loves to use her keyboard, but I am all for it. When I sign in and discover you have left a comment where I actually have to scroll to see it all, I settle in and prepare to smile… 😉

      Like

  4. Hurricane Katrina hair was the trendy rage in the late Seventies when Van Halen and the spandex hair bands started closing down discos. the eyeliner is supect, but probably for the deep darkness of the “art” shot. You’d think they would have airbrushed that bruise on her thigh…wait…this was pre-perfection Hollywood, right? I know why you go with the older stuff. Pre cookie cutter Hollywood is still the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s not a bruise on her thigh. It’s a teardrop tattoo. Most people don’t realize this, but Faye was a hardcore gang member in the 70s, taking names and kicking ass and banging Peter Wolf. Her movie career was actually just a hobby… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Explains why the weather has been crap here – gray skies have been over-shadowed! Loved this little side-branch. Name dropping is fine by me – I never get most of the film references anyways, being a bit of a “country-hick”. Keep on keeping on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Claudette! But “country hick”? I don’t see that at all. What I do see is me being raised on the outskirts of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma in a remote area that most people didn’t even realize was part of the United States. We might have to battle each other for the Country Hick title. In a loving way, of course… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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