Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #26

Clarissa, left: “Bernadette, honey, I don’t know if you were right about this hat.”

Bernadette, right: “Don’t be silly. It’s terribly fashionable and it makes a statement.”

Clarissa: “The statement it’s making is that I can’t see a damn thing. I’m just looking in the direction of your voice and hoping for the best.”

Bernadette: “You really shouldn’t worry about it. I’d be more concerned that the animal around your neck isn’t quite dead, as it seems to be nibbling on your trendy Gothic carnation.”

Clarissa: “I can’t see that, either. Would you be a dear and make it stop?”

Bernadette: “Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly. That would require me to temporarily relinquish my hold on this cryptic box I’m clutching, and that would completely ruin my ensemble. Fashion is performance art, and wrangling livestock is not in my script.”

Clarissa: “I see. Would it be rude of me to suggest that your lack of concern for my personal well-being is coming across as a bit bitchy? What if my accent piece has rabies? It would greatly perturb me if I have to seek medical attention just because you fancy your special box. I would certainly give up my own box if certain situations arose.”

Bernadette: “Yes, dear, we all know that you give up your box quite frequently.”

Clarissa: “I am appalled that you would say that, especially given your own history of box relinquishing. At least the number for my box hasn’t been scrawled on lavatory walls across the city.”

Bernadette: “I sense that I may have underestimated your sensitivity concerning boxes and what one does with them. Perhaps I’ve had too much of the high-octane coffee we’ve been guzzling for hours as we wait for something meaningful to do with our lives. Can we move past it and be friends again?”

Clarissa: “I’m not sure. Now that I ponder this situation, it occurs to me that you are the one who suggested all of the couture choices that are now causing me discomfort and trepidation. I think you have a dark ulterior motive that reeks of unseemliness. Are you purposely making me look wretched just so you and your worn-out box will appear more attractive by default?”

Bernadette: “Perhaps the coffee is buzzing me toward the dark side once again, but I must say I’m surprised you finally connected the dots. I’ve used you for years. All the great fashion icons know that the best way to become a diva is to surround yourself with those who couldn’t put a decent outfit together if their lives depended on it.”

Clarissa: “You are a nasty and vile human being.”

Bernadette: “And you look like a hooker at an outlet mall.”

Brief pause whilst further accusations are considered and the potent coffee we cannot see in this photo cools considerably.

Clarissa: “I suppose one of us should slap the other and stomp away in a rather dramatic fashion.”

Bernadette: “Probably. But it took us forever to get our socks to look just right. We should stay for at least another hour and soak up the compliments that are surely coming our way.”

Clarissa: “Fair enough. Let’s just seethe and quietly hate each other.”

Bernadette: “I’m on it.”

Apparently-alive stole around Clarissa’s neck: “Could one of you pass me the salt? This carnation is a little bland.”


Note: For those comparing notes, the original version of this Past Imperfect simply read “Every once in a while, even the drag queens miss the mark a bit…” I decided to add some extra ingredients.


33 replies »

  1. ^^^^^^^^ Another, amusing and eminently readable offering from Mr Lah-gee-oh-see right there ladies and gents. Note the accentuated “e” at the end of his name. He insists upon it and becomes pretty damn testy if you don’t toe the correct pronunciation line.
    So, you have been warned folks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We are never going to move past the name game, are we? Sigh. Still, thank you for the initial laudatory comment, I tingle as I bask in the adulation, but there will come a day when I force you to say my last name correctly. Said with all admiration and respect… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The were the first things I saw, and I can’t believe it – why the heck would you wear spats on your legs? Are you Scrooge? Totally hideous and vile, there is evil in this photo. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It’s the frozen wide-eyed without alarm but with a touch of amazement expression of Bernadette that gives her away as a total Bitch Queen. That and the fact that she is clearly manipulating the critter with an early radio controlled collar concealed in its fur and operated by that box! I do love a brawl. Particularly a verbal one with no bodily movement.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, I relish that angle, with the remote-controlled critter and the non-physicality. I am inspired to rush off and feverishly work on a rewrite. Of course, said rewrite may end up in my pile of 4 billion rewrites that will never again see the light of day, but we must persevere in our literary endeavors, else we slowly perish… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sometimes I wish I bashed out my work on an old fashioned clack clack typewriter and could dramatically rip the paper out with disgusted aplomb and hurl it manfully at the overflowing waste You bin and then knock back a shot of Absynthe to dull the pain of seeking writerly perfection ….

        Liked by 1 person

  4. In my distant youth I had a fashionable hat. It was gift. Semi-shapeless, leather cowboy hat-ish, with a band that turned into fringe down the back. I stepped off a hot summer stage at the OKC Zoo Amphitheater one afternoon to see my father standing close by with his ever present cameras.
    “Hey, how do you like my hat?”
    “I’d have to have two of them. One to (poop) in and one to cover it up with.”
    I decided to keep it and wore it often in his presence.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. The fellow on the left (“Clarissa” yeah *snicker*) betrays himself by the noble profile of that proboscis sticking out under the kerchief ‘cap’ and the rather large Adam’s apple bobbling there in the middle of the neck. And no woman would be caught dead in Size 13 slings (backless pointy shoes) paired with that disturbing houndstooth pattern on the socks. Who wears knee socks with HEELS anyway?? Oh dear…MY EYES. I suspect the hat was merely to hide the fact that ‘she’ is sporting a manly buzz cut or maybe a duck-tail under there and didn’t want the minister to see…. some things should probably be left in the closet, non? Still you have to admire ‘her’ for being the first to bust out of that closet and proclaim loudly that she had arrived…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, despite my concern (fear?) when it comes to their outfits, I do have to admire both of them for having the gumption to not only appear in public like this but to actually loll about about on a park bench. There’s some bravery here. It might be misguided, but still, bravery… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Am I the only one who loves the socks?! Especially that of the drag queen, the sort of hounds-tooth ones with the seam down the front. Did you notice that, the seam in the front? My gosh, that’s what *makes* it, my friends – the seam! It’s the mark of fashionable hosiery everywhere!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is, perhaps, a bit unfair of me to rashly judge the sock-choices of others. After all, and I really should capture this for posterity, there was a time when I would not wear anything but grey dress socks. Even with tennis shoes. Can you smell the damaged psyche? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Those socks are quite something! And i think the carnation needs to be moved higher on her lapel a little so the mink, if that’s what it is, can reach it. Lol. It’s like dangling a carrot.

    Liked by 1 person

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