Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #51

Vivien, the Actress, playing a proper British Southerner: “Well, I declare. I am outraged at your suggestion.”

Clark, the Actor, playing whatever role brought the best paycheck: “Frankly, my dear, you’re always outraged.”

Victor, the Director (well, the director once they canned George Cukor): “Aw, geez, my ulcer is flaring almost as much as Vivien’s dress. And I have a strange yearning for a peppermint candy.”

The guy who looks like John Wayne but probably isn’t because John Wayne wasn’t in this movie (maybe he stopped by with some Republican brochures?): “Now, honey, I didn’t mean to rile you up. I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

Vivien: “You weren’t trying? How is it NOT rude to ask a woman to raise her dress in public? Not only is that an uncouth request, but you’re expecting me to do so in front of nameless extras who can only be identified by their crotches at this point.”

Clark: “Oh, come on. This wouldn’t be the first time you’ve hiked your britches in front of men that you don’t even know. Remember that time when you sucked down all your rosewater perfume because the Yankees had blocked the harbor and we were all out of gin? People saw your border crossing all the way down in Cuba.”

Victor, trying to regain some control of the situation after the remark about George getting canned: “Vivien, darling, we’re on a very tight schedule. And speaking of extras, we’ve been trying to find all the hundreds of extras we hired to play wounded soldiers in what will become the famous trainyard scene. We can’t find them anywhere!”

John Not-John: “And that’s why I asked you to life up your skirt. I don’t want to see your cooter, but from the looks of it, you could have a whole regiment up in that mess.”

Vivien, still affronted: “I’ll do no such thing. And I can assure you that my cotton patch is both unsoiled and devoid of missing men. I’m a proper lady!”

Muffled voice from under the peppermint tent: “Proper Lady, could you have someone bring us some water? We’re thirsty and we’re tired and it’s really dark and everything smells like Laurence Olivier.”

Clark, rather bemused: “So, was that one of the extras or do you just have extremely oratorical flatulence? I’ve eaten some grits in this town that’ll do that to you.”

Victor: “Aw, hell. I’ll never be able to explain this to Corporate. I think I understand how George might have been secretly thrilled with his canning, the lucky guy.”

John Not-John: “And I think it’s time for the people of Cuba to get another gander at Vivvy’s border crossing. Hoist the sails, honey.”


17 replies »

    • Agreed. Miss Leigh, after consultation with her vocal coach, would have indeed uttered “dee-clay-ah”. However, since I’m trying to reach a worldwide and multi-cultural audience, I felt it best to avoid a precise enunciation, as a deelclayah is also a rudely uncomfortable torture device used in certain tumultuous small countries where the people can’t figure out if they want democracy or not. I didn’t wish to remind the citizens of unsatisfying situations in their homelands, so I softened the utterance. This is how we heal and grow as a world community, with sanitized musings about flatulence and border crossings…

      Liked by 3 people

  1. And here I thought women’s fashion of that time was a sneaky way to keep them pinned/tied/flounced and generally useless for anything of value, but now I see there truly WAS value. Talk about being sneaky!
    What’s with John Not-John’s cuffed pants and short socks? Makes him look like a… oh, my gosh — look at Clark’s pants! Are those legging-type stirrups on the hem? It is! That’s why we can see his hairy legs! I had no idea that was a thing! Shame for John Not-John they fell out of favor.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.