10 Reasons Why

10 New Phrases That You Should Add to Your Vocabulary Immediately

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1. Frigi-Daze

The concept of opening the refrigerator and staring forlornly at the contents, unable to make a decision about what it is that you want to shove into your mouth. You know you want something, voices are speaking to you, calling your name, but the language is unclear and not very helpful. You stare at the sadly unchanging stuff-I-don’t-want until your eyes crust over.

Example Usage: “I was in a frigi-daze and then the stupid thing started beepin’ and Momma smacked me on the head.”

2. Bill-Rot

The condition that occurs when the stack of unpaid bills on your desk actually start to disintegrate from lack of attention, with some requests for payment hanging around so long that you give them pet names. Side effects include cut-off notices, rude automated phone calls from people in India, and snooty waiters waltzing back to your table and demanding another form of payment in a very loud voice while the cream gravy congeals on your half-eaten chicken-fried steak.

Example Usage: “I got me so much bill-rot right now that the city sent out an inspector and he fined my butt. Now I’m broker than ever. Guess I won’t be goin’ to the tractor pull over to Sludgeville. Hurts my heart, that does, cuz you get a free corny dog if you buy a ticket for both nights.”

3. Splooge-Hop

The erratic and awkward dance step one performs when sashaying down the hallway in the middle of the night and suddenly stomping on a cat’s hairball in your bare feet. Possible screaming and general repulsion ensues.

Example Usage: “I just wanted me another quick bite of Sally Mae’s potato chip casserole, and next thing you know I’m splooge-hoppin’ for Jesus. Whacked my head on the wall, I did. Damn cat just sat there and looked at me.”

4. Beer-Muda Triangle

The mysterious and unexplained disappearance of beers that should have still been in the refrigerator, despite careful planning and published regulatory procedures on who gets to touch what. Side effects include harsh accusations, abrupt changes in evening agendas, and spontaneous weeping.

Example Usage: “I still had me a good two hours left of the Shark Week marathon when I opened the fridge and every dang beer done got sucked up in the Beer-Muda Triangle. Now, I know I paced myself just right, wasn’t my doin’, so I’m blamin’ that simple cousin that Verlene brought over ‘cause she’s doin’ some Christian thing with the church where you’re sposed to reach out and touch the unwashed. Why she gotta do the Lord’s work in my house? And why can’t the unwashed bring their own beer?”

5. Gastrocity

The unfortunate condition of experiencing militant gas bubbles at very inopportune times. Side effects include the sudden need to walk very slowly despite being the bulls at Pamplona having just been unleashed, the reluctance to join any nearby limbo contests regardless of the rabid encouragement of your drinking buddies, and the realization that hitting a speed bump while in a car with your boss could totally change your career.

Example Usage: “Lula Belle, I could not believe it, we were at the funeral and just tryin’ to get Aunt Cornpone in the ground and be done with it, but right when Pastor Buckshot handed me a clod of dirt to chuck at Cornie’s casket, the gastrocity hit me like I just had a bowl of chili at Buford’s Grunt and Run Diner. I didn’t dare do an overhand throw or there might have been some back-firin’, so I just dropped the clod on the ground and nudged it in with my foot. I’m sure Cornie understood, bless her heart, cuz she had butane issues of her own. She’s the reason why my chicken coop leans like it does.”

6. Roll-Clanker

The odd, unidentified items that are rolling around in your car, making you wonder what in the hell that might be, but not causing you enough consternation to actually do something about it, because you have places to be and buffets to eat.

Example Usage: “All I was doin’ was headin’ to the Piggly Wiggly, ‘cause they had them a sale on turnip greens, when all the sudden some roll-clanker got caught up under my brake pedal and I couldn’t stop and next thing I know I’m crashin’ through the front window of the Dairy Queen. Ended up with soft-serve ice cream in my hair, and you know how much money I just spent at the Snip and Twirl so I could look like Reese Witherspoon. Made me right mad.”

7. Crow-Bar Action

A down-low term referring to a man or a woman who pursues intimate relations with someone who hasn’t been taken for a test drive in quite some time.

Example Usage: “I swear, I don’t know what’s got into Billy Ray Junior, runnin’ off and doin’ the crow-bar action with those dried-out sisters at Our Lady of Cobwebs church. Ain’t right.”

9. Cell-You-Loss

The slightly-manipulated situation wherein you receive a call on your cell phone, grimace at the name, don’t care to answer it, and “accidentally” hit ignore or even delete the evidence of the communication attempt.

Example Usage: “What’s that, Beatrice? You tried to call me last night so I could come over for the Daughters of Pentecostal Power Potluck? Well, shoot, my phone didn’t make a peep. Must have been cell-you-loss buildup on your end. Yes, that’s a real thing, Bea. Why would I make that up? Sounds like you need to get to a doctor and have that sucked out right away. Let me put you on hold while I get the number.” Click.

9. Post-Nightal Drip

A catch-all term that applies to anything you post on social media after you should have stopped drinking and gone to bed.

Example Usage: “Could you run that by me again, Etsy Mae? You didn’t care for me saying you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Oh, honey, don’t mind that. It was just some post-nightal drip. I’m taking some pills now that should dry me up. Mmm hmmm. Didn’t mean a thing. Love ya bunches. Kiss, kiss.”

10. Vocabularity

The creation of phrases and terms that can be twisted around to make something humorous out of nothing.

Example Usage: This post.

 

Cheers.

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/11/11. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post. No corny dogs were harmed in the making of this post, even though they had a lot of them left over at the tractor pull over to Sludgeville.

 

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40 replies »

  7. Sniglets! This should be a revolving forum. My all time fave – “Expresshole.” The person in front of you with way more than fifteen items in the express line who transacts, slowly and proceeds to balance their checkbook before getting their basket full of Diet Dr. Pepper and meat by-products the f*ck out of the way!

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  8. I did me some fancy splooge – hoppin this mornin’ when I jumped outta bed to find the damn cat after he woke me up hackin’ hairy ones all the way to the damn kitchen. Threw his hairy ass outside where it belongs!

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  12. Sometimes I get to thinking I miss having a cat, then someone mentions a splooge-hop and makes me think, eh, too soon. (Cat passed to his eternal litter box in the sky last year. He lived a good, full life, terrorized many songbirds and rodents, and hacked up many hair balls.)
    Change of subject, as WD points out, #4 comes with many variations. Not that long ago, Son was certain, 100% certain, there was one sleeve of thin mints still in the pantry. I still tremble at the memory. Interrogations are never fun, and I don’t even like thin mints!

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    • And then we have the nefarious situation where the splooge-hop and the missing-inventory elements combine, sort of, with the discovery that the litter box you JUST FILLED this morning has been reduced to a thin layer of sediment at the bottom of the plastic tub. What are these animals doing in this litter box when I’m not looking? And where am I going to find the AWOL components? Sigh.

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  13. Stop!!! I was rolling on the floor, this was so funny. Your descriptions are amazing. I am guilty of number 9. Serial call deleter. I also feel guilty about Frigi-Daze when I am at the convenience store. It feels better to open the glass door and procrastinate over the endless bottles of green tea. (I always go for the same brand, anyway).

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    • Oh, I’ve done the same with those glass grocery-store freezer doors and the hypnotizing contents that I apparently can’t adequately review unless said doors are open. I feel really bad, because I know this lack of respect for the temperature variance will quickly result in heinous fogging, subsequent patrons not being able to see anything through the glass, and eventual social anarchy. But still, I stare, catatonic…

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  16. Brian, you are a vocabulary genius. “Roll-clanker” is something I’m most familiar with and has instantly become part of my daily usage.

    Also, I love that you used the term “published regulatory procedures” in conjunction with missing beer.

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