1. Frigi-Daze
The concept of opening the refrigerator and staring forlornly at the contents, unable to make a decision about what it is that you want to shove into your mouth. You know you want something, voices are speaking to you, calling your name, but the language is unclear and not very helpful. You stare at the sadly unchanging stuff-I-don’t-want until your eyes crust over.
Example Usage: “I was in a frigi-daze and then the stupid thing started beepin’ and Momma smacked me on the head.”
2. Bill-Rot
The condition that occurs when the stack of unpaid bills on your desk actually start to disintegrate from lack of attention, with some requests for payment hanging around so long that you give them pet names. Side effects include cut-off notices, rude automated phone calls from people in India, and snooty waiters waltzing back to your table and demanding another form of payment in a very loud voice while the cream gravy congeals on your half-eaten chicken-fried steak.
Example Usage: “I got me so much bill-rot right now that the city sent out an inspector and he fined my butt. Now I’m broker than ever. Guess I won’t be goin’ to the tractor pull over to Sludgeville. Hurts my heart, that does, cuz you get a free corny dog if you buy a ticket for both nights.”
3. Splooge-Hop
The erratic and awkward dance step one performs when sashaying down the hallway in the middle of the night and suddenly stomping on a cat’s hairball in your bare feet. Possible screaming and general repulsion ensues.
Example Usage: “I just wanted me another quick bite of Sally Mae’s potato chip casserole, and next thing you know I’m splooge-hoppin’ for Jesus. Whacked my head on the wall, I did. Damn cat just sat there and looked at me.”
4. Beer-Muda Triangle
The mysterious and unexplained disappearance of beers that should have still been in the refrigerator, despite careful planning and published regulatory procedures on who gets to touch what. Side effects include harsh accusations, abrupt changes in evening agendas, and spontaneous weeping.
Example Usage: “I still had me a good two hours left of the Shark Week marathon when I opened the fridge and every dang beer done got sucked up in the Beer-Muda Triangle. Now, I know I paced myself just right, wasn’t my doin’, so I’m blamin’ that simple cousin that Verlene brought over ‘cause she’s doin’ some Christian thing with the church where you’re sposed to reach out and touch the unwashed. Why she gotta do the Lord’s work in my house? And why can’t the unwashed bring their own beer?”
5. Gastrocity
The unfortunate condition of experiencing militant gas bubbles at very inopportune times. Side effects include the sudden need to walk very slowly despite being the bulls at Pamplona having just been unleashed, the reluctance to join any nearby limbo contests regardless of the rabid encouragement of your drinking buddies, and the realization that hitting a speed bump while in a car with your boss could totally change your career.
Example Usage: “Lula Belle, I could not believe it, we were at the funeral and just tryin’ to get Aunt Cornpone in the ground and be done with it, but right when Pastor Buckshot handed me a clod of dirt to chuck at Cornie’s casket, the gastrocity hit me like I just had a bowl of chili at Buford’s Grunt and Run Diner. I didn’t dare do an overhand throw or there might have been some back-firin’, so I just dropped the clod on the ground and nudged it in with my foot. I’m sure Cornie understood, bless her heart, cuz she had butane issues of her own. She’s the reason why my chicken coop leans like it does.”
6. Roll-Clanker
The odd, unidentified items that are rolling around in your car, making you wonder what in the hell that might be, but not causing you enough consternation to actually do something about it, because you have places to be and buffets to eat.
Example Usage: “All I was doin’ was headin’ to the Piggly Wiggly, ‘cause they had them a sale on turnip greens, when all the sudden some roll-clanker got caught up under my brake pedal and I couldn’t stop and next thing I know I’m crashin’ through the front window of the Dairy Queen. Ended up with soft-serve ice cream in my hair, and you know how much money I just spent at the Snip and Twirl so I could look like Reese Witherspoon. Made me right mad.”
7. Crow-Bar Action
A down-low term referring to a man or a woman who pursues intimate relations with someone who hasn’t been taken for a test drive in quite some time.
Example Usage: “I swear, I don’t know what’s got into Billy Ray Junior, runnin’ off and doin’ the crow-bar action with those dried-out sisters at Our Lady of Cobwebs church. Ain’t right.”
9. Cell-You-Loss
The slightly-manipulated situation wherein you receive a call on your cell phone, grimace at the name, don’t care to answer it, and “accidentally” hit ignore or even delete the evidence of the communication attempt.
Example Usage: “What’s that, Beatrice? You tried to call me last night so I could come over for the Daughters of Pentecostal Power Potluck? Well, shoot, my phone didn’t make a peep. Must have been cell-you-loss buildup on your end. Yes, that’s a real thing, Bea. Why would I make that up? Sounds like you need to get to a doctor and have that sucked out right away. Let me put you on hold while I get the number.” Click.
9. Post-Nightal Drip
A catch-all term that applies to anything you post on social media after you should have stopped drinking and gone to bed.
Example Usage: “Could you run that by me again, Etsy Mae? You didn’t care for me saying you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Oh, honey, don’t mind that. It was just some post-nightal drip. I’m taking some pills now that should dry me up. Mmm hmmm. Didn’t mean a thing. Love ya bunches. Kiss, kiss.”
10. Vocabularity
The creation of phrases and terms that can be twisted around to make something humorous out of nothing.
Example Usage: This post.
Cheers.
Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/11/11. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post. No corny dogs were harmed in the making of this post, even though they had a lot of them left over at the tractor pull over to Sludgeville.
Categories: 10 Reasons Why
LOL I can relate 🙂
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Thanks, Lynn! We might use different words, but we all go through a lot of the same things… 😉
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Been known to offend on #9. Picture me red-faced.
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No reason to be red-faced. It’s just natural survival instinct kicking in… 😉
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Brilliant ! As ever.
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Thank you!
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I’m just loving #10 – which explains all the previous. I think you should vocabulate lots and lots, honest to devilness I do, this was such a fantabaroonie read. 🙂
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Well, then, I simply must vocabulate some more, even if for no other reason than to have you type “fantabaroonie” again. That’s my new favorite word… 😉
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I’m quite attached to that word, it gets a bit of a workout every now and then. I would be happy to lend it to you – say it out loud 10 times, it should make you smile 🙂 (or sound like and idiot – not sure, let me know)
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Oh, and number ALWAYS calls to me.
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I think there’s a word missing here, but I’m still glowing with pride…
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Yep, the fridge #1
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love this post, it vocabularious!
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Thanks, Beth! Have a vocabulicious day!
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Sniglets! This should be a revolving forum. My all time fave – “Expresshole.” The person in front of you with way more than fifteen items in the express line who transacts, slowly and proceeds to balance their checkbook before getting their basket full of Diet Dr. Pepper and meat by-products the f*ck out of the way!
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That’s one I might have to steal. And I really should make this a revolving forum, but it will most likely shift from the “I really oughta” column to the “never got around to that” column in my tracking spreadsheet…
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“Tracking spreadsheet” sounds like standing on the porch of retentive…Or one of those nasty sheet music things;)
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I did me some fancy splooge – hoppin this mornin’ when I jumped outta bed to find the damn cat after he woke me up hackin’ hairy ones all the way to the damn kitchen. Threw his hairy ass outside where it belongs!
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And it’s even worse if you’re just wearing socks when it happens, because now you have to change your hosiery even if you just put them on fresh three seconds ago. Ugh!
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As always Brian…you.left me smiling here…
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It’s all part of my secret plot… 😉
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#4 works with Pepsi and Doritos
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And, at least for me personally, Pop-Tarts. I could swear that mere seconds ago there was a huge stockpile with at least three different flavors, now there’s just a pile of crumbs and a ransom note…
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I’d get forensics on the note immediately and DNA off the crumbs
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Good point. I have taped off the crime scene, pending their arrival…
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Exactly — go CSI on their ass
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You’ve expanded my vocabulary beyond compare. I can’t even pick a favorite. 😀
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Of course, we should love all our words equally, or at least pretend that we don’t have favorites… 😉
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Sometimes I get to thinking I miss having a cat, then someone mentions a splooge-hop and makes me think, eh, too soon. (Cat passed to his eternal litter box in the sky last year. He lived a good, full life, terrorized many songbirds and rodents, and hacked up many hair balls.)
Change of subject, as WD points out, #4 comes with many variations. Not that long ago, Son was certain, 100% certain, there was one sleeve of thin mints still in the pantry. I still tremble at the memory. Interrogations are never fun, and I don’t even like thin mints!
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And then we have the nefarious situation where the splooge-hop and the missing-inventory elements combine, sort of, with the discovery that the litter box you JUST FILLED this morning has been reduced to a thin layer of sediment at the bottom of the plastic tub. What are these animals doing in this litter box when I’m not looking? And where am I going to find the AWOL components? Sigh.
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Stop!!! I was rolling on the floor, this was so funny. Your descriptions are amazing. I am guilty of number 9. Serial call deleter. I also feel guilty about Frigi-Daze when I am at the convenience store. It feels better to open the glass door and procrastinate over the endless bottles of green tea. (I always go for the same brand, anyway).
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Oh, I’ve done the same with those glass grocery-store freezer doors and the hypnotizing contents that I apparently can’t adequately review unless said doors are open. I feel really bad, because I know this lack of respect for the temperature variance will quickly result in heinous fogging, subsequent patrons not being able to see anything through the glass, and eventual social anarchy. But still, I stare, catatonic…
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Ha ha ha … No remorse, whatsoever. Love it. xoxo
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Please may I share this on Facebook, please sir?
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Please do! You are more than welcome to share away with any of my little bits that you find appealing… 😉
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It’s been exposed!
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I’m going to start using Splooge-Hop. I may even # it for fun. Wait for it to trend.
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It’s trending right now! Oh wait, I just refreshed the page and… maybe not… 😉
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Brian, you are a vocabulary genius. “Roll-clanker” is something I’m most familiar with and has instantly become part of my daily usage.
Also, I love that you used the term “published regulatory procedures” in conjunction with missing beer.
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Be sure to study all the terms carefully, as there will be a pop quiz sometime in the next week… 😉
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