We start out with some skeezy-looking girl waking up in a bathtub, and it’s clear that she’s not really sure where she might be. (Don’t start judging at this point. If you have any sense of adventure, there’s been at least one time when you’ve snoozed in a place that wasn’t necessarily designed for slumber.) Eventually home-girl realizes that maybe this isn’t her own bathtub and there might be some type of penalty associated with what she did or didn’t do the previous evening, so she hops out of the cleansing station and proceeds to do some damage control.
First on her agenda? Marching over to the nearby vanity, plucking up one of the anonymous toothbrushes that previously did not contain any of her DNA, and then proceeds to “brush my teeth with a bottle of jack.” Then she waves her ghetto-painted toenails in front of the camera, because it seems like a fun thing to do when you’re a pop star and have your own personal cinematographer, and then she slips on a pair of cowboy boots and little else. (This is probably the part where you can start judging.)
So right away we know we’re dealing with a quality kind of girl, here. Top drawer. Or should I say top shelf? Kesha marches out of the bathroom with some swagger going on (because everyone is essentially self-absorbed until they are at least 30), and she quickly jacks with some pictures of a nice family that are hanging on the walls. Her disrespect of memorabilia is supposed to help us understand that she really doesn’t care about anybody or anything, but I think we grasped her lack of morality starting with the “waking up in a bathtub” bit.
Then she wanders down a flight of stairs in the house, singing about “boys blowing up my phone” and “trying to get a little bit tipsy”. Little bit? Honey, you look like you left “little bit” about five miles back. After you smothered it with a pillow.
She wanders into a breakfast room, where the family from the hanging pictures she violated is just trying to get some nutrition and worship Jesus. Her sudden appearance causes the mom to drop a plate of pancakes, an obvious sign that Satan has just arrived in the suburbs and the Apocalypse can’t be far behind. This is the natural reaction of ignorant folk who have never watched anything other than Fox News.
Kesha then sashays outside the Mormon Tabernacle Condo and decides to steal a bicycle that has been blinged-out in 2-carat gold, because we all know that jewel-encrusted conveyances can easily be found near cheaply-built domiciles in a neighborhood near you. Kesha then rides the bling over to a conveniently-nearby group of wholesome kids who just want to play with balloons and not become ensnared by unexpected pregnancies. But Our Lady of Tawdry Deception quickly convinces them that you really need a pimped-out ride if you’re going to make it anywhere in this world, and the youngsters embrace her vision with startling expediency.
Next up, due to some clearly unfocused editing, we have Kesha looking all trashy while sitting on a curb in front of some wall, while she sings (if you can call it singing) about how all boys want her because “I’ve already got beer and I’m already here.” Then some dudes drive up and pile out, having heard about the beer, and they all look like “beer” is the longest word they can spell.
But Kesha is fine with their potential shortcomings, indicating that her mother may have already prepared her for the reality of marriage, and she quickly jumps in the car with the most redneck member of the posse, and they take off, driving around. Kesha starts singing about “don’t touch my junk,” but this directive is a bit hard to follow when Kesha is bouncing around and thrusting her junk from here to Encino. Sooner or later the sheer gravitational pull of the Earth will result in some junk-touching.
Then the po-po pull the two over, and at first it doesn’t look good as Kesha is thrown over the hood of the pimp-mobile and forced into a pair of handcuffs. Of course, this is done in a slutty way so we basically get a PG-13 gander at Kesha’s junk that she’s been singing about all along. (Product Placement 101.) And the ease with which Kesha “assumes the position” makes it very obvious that she has sprawled across a few turbo-charged machines in her day.
Next thing you know, Kesha and Redneck are zipping along the highways again, so either the po-po are really bad at their job, or they got hired for a promising pilot that is shooting on the next soundstage and they had to be written out of the script. This is never made clear. What is clear is that Skank is able to party in the Redneck’s car by standing up through the sunroof and bouncing her ta-tas around in a psychotic frenzy. Skank also makes a lot of hand gestures to clarify that she is really proud of herself, in case you hadn’t figure that out yet.
Then, suddenly, the car is gone, and Kesha is in some weird, stone-walled room where she appears to be wearing animal fur (PETA alert!) while little bits of something sprinkle down around her. She’s waving her hands around above her head like a really bad witch doctor that forgot to read the training manual and she has to do something interesting to keep her teenage fans voodoo clients from asking for their money back.
This goes on for a while, indicating that the director went AWOL for a bit (surely drugs were not involved in any way) and the remaining crew had to just make things up to kill time. Out of desperation, they bring in a wind machine, and they instruct Kesha to lay on her back and thrust her feet into the air, which I guess means that Skank is aroused by wind, stone walls, chunky confetti, the possible appearance of a Sleestak from “The Land of the Lost” and the ability to raise her arms and wave them about.
Then we’re transported to… a nightclub?… where Kesha informs us that “the party don’t start till I walk in.” Really? And what party is that? The “Blowing Smoke Up Your Own Ass” Party? I’m all for female empowerment, trust, but that’s not what’s going on here. This is the radioactive fallout of what happens when you give a child everything he wants from the very moment of conception. Good moral character requires that a child be told “no” every once in a while. Otherwise they might somehow manage to get elected the president of a country despite never having surpassed mental puberty.
Kesha dances all over this place, with her messy hair and runny mascara, apparently not realizing that Madonna perfected this art form in 1984. We know it’s a real quality establishment, because people are drinking their adult beverages from plastic red cups, always a sign that no expense has been spared. The loser redneck from the mysteriously-aborted run-in with the po-po is in the club, so I guess Kesha is a little sweet on him, even though she keeps singing about how there won’t be any junk-touching. (We get it, Kesha. Can you move on and pick another personal mantra? And maybe another career?)
She keeps dancing. And as she gyrates around and we get a better look at this place, I’m seeing things that make me wonder if this is just somebody’s living room in a part of town that the trendy gays haven’t yet targeted for revitalization. There’s a mid-80’s ceiling fan and some very ugly couches, the kind that will never be snatched up by junk collectors who troll your neighborhood during the week when the city collects Bulky Trash from your curb. What was the budget on this video, anyway? Amazing as it may seem, said budget was apparently lower than the average teacher’s salary in the United States. I didn’t think it was possible to get under that figure.
We have lots more dancing and runny mascara, with Kesha eventually working her way to the Redneck and possibly offering her junk after all, which is kind of sweet but nowhere near as inspiring as Samantha and Jake sharing cake at the end of “16 Candles”. Just to make sure that the jaded teen viewers grasp the concept of finding love in all the wrong places, we are presented with more chunky confetti falling down on the jailbird lovebirds whilst people pass out around them.
Final scene shows Kesha, trashed and missing some footwear, giggling in another bathtub and settling in for another night. She’s picked up an American flag somewhere, which she’s using as a sweatband or some such on her right ankle. Such a touch of class. Then she presumably goes into an alcoholic coma, where visions of sugar rums dance in her head and she actually believes that she is a role model for the youth of America.
Good gawd.
Parents, send your girls to strict boarding schools with plenty of barbed-wire and severe nuns that resort to whacking people with rulers. It’s not pretty, and there are surely some Constitutional violations in the mix, but it’s got to have better results than this. And we don’t need another president that abuses the American flag…
Click here to watch this video on YouTube.
Originally published in Backup Dancers From Hell.
Note: I realize that some folks are not fans of these music video reviews. That’s okay. But I enjoy doing them greatly, so this is the part in our relationship where you graciously tolerate my quirks and we live happily ever after. At least until the next post…
Categories: Video Review
Bonnywood Manor 
Ohmigosh. It’s because of your “review” that I very first saw this video, and now I hear this on the radio over and over again, which I just don’t understand, lol. Sleestak! Hahaha, good memories! You’re too funny!
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I used to LOVE watching “Land of the Lost”. I knew it was cheesy and terribly acted, but i was entranced. Of course, I was also seven years old and hydro-planing on a cup of sugar in my Honeycomb cereal… 😉
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I have one important question :
After she slipped on cowboy boots and not much else, until she the time she wears fur, ahem, is she in cowboy boots alone? Like, does she come down to breakfast to her violated family wearing nothing but cowboy boots (which, I am sure, violates everybody in the zip code even more)? I am afraid to go and see the video without knowing this…
I am locking up my 13-year old daughter in a digital-detox attic when she gets back from school today. Thank you for the heads up.
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Well, I’ve already scrolled ahead and I know that you gave into temptation and reviewed the questionable video (I’m so sorry for your loss) so I’ll just focus on your other angle. I’m sure Daughter is going to be just fine. You’re far too grounded and realistic to let your offspring wander too far from the path of decency. (Wait, am I giving advice now? That scares ME much more than it probably scares you…)
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I should not have fallen for the bait and gone and seen the video. Is there any way one can “unsee” something they have seen?
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No, sadly one will ‘see’ the horrible thing for the rest of eternity…particularly if one is thinking about unseeing something else…Honey Boo Boo (do NOT look) is my own cross to bear…someone was yakking about that and I had to go see. Gawd. I’m sorry now and will be forever. Can’t unsee it. Brian? You got a very rich vein to mine with HoneyBooBoob…I’ll look forward to seeing your take.
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Gobblefunkist: You will survive this ordeal, but medication and a nice juice cleanse will help you heal faster…
Embeecee: I had completely forgotten about Honey DooDoo. I have only watched about ten minutes of one episode, and I screamed for three days, but I’m willing to dive back in for the sake of performance art….
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Your fault Brian. I was reading this out loud to the Hub while he was driving and we were both laughing so hard he almost drove up the back of a semi.
PSA: DO NOT BRIAN AND DRIVE. Friends don’t let friends drive while Brianing.
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Just being honest here: The thought of someone reading one of my bits of craziness out loud to someone else makes me feel all warm and squishy. In a good way. (P.S. I think I need to have bumper stickers made with your last line…)
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I’m not going to follow Gobblefunkist down the path of having to try to ‘unsee’ something. Your description is graphic enough. Hilarious too.
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You made a wise decision. To be fair, I do respect those who take the plunge, but this must be counter-balanced with the possibility that one may never recover…
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i usually find myself lost in long posts but this is so engaging. enjoyed. thanks Brian!
pedicure on our toes, toes
haha
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Glad you liked it! I know my posts sometimes run a little long (okay, sometimes super long) but hopefully I get it right every now and then…
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I must advise against boarding schools with strict nuns …. both Jane Birkin AND Marianne Faithful went to mine and look what happened to them (though it must be said we all aspired frantically a decade or so later!) 😉
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I am just in awe of your backstory. Why are we not living next to each other?… 😉
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😊
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How I would LOVE that … an extremely intelligent gossipy and marvellously waspish and witty neighbour … *sigh*
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I went to that catholic school your promoting! I suppose since I don’t wake up in a bathtub or do strange things with the American flag it did its job. 🙂 prior to this I would have argued that fact. 😉
I have also learned that I’m under thirty so I need to start living more self absorbedly.
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Okay, you hit the two points that I was worried might offend some folks. I didn’t really mean to promote Catholic schools. (I did not attend one, but many of my youthful friends did). I was just using that reference as a counter-balance to Kesha’s irresponsible absurdity. (I’m not a fan of nuns hitting anyone.) More importantly, the “under thirty” bit: This one was a little unfair. Some of the compadres I had when I was 21 were more grounded than the folks twice their age, and they stayed that way. On the flip side, I also had compadres that are clueless to this day. It’s all about the spectrum. (And yes, I realize that you are most likely being snarky and you’re not offended at all, but on the off chance that you are eloquently saying “buzz off, old man”, I thought it best to clarify.) 😉
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I would never ever ever tell some old man to buzz off and I wouldn’t tell you that ever either!
I love love love your humor, you know that. It makes me laugh when I see myself in some of your sarcasm. 🙂 promise.
Never offended, thank you for your brilliant self
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Whew! I really didn’t think you were offended, but I thought I’d better reach out, just in case… 🙂
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Haha. You’re such a gentleman
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Mormon Tabernacle condo? Whu-what?? Those wholesome family folk eating pancakes and trying to live a holy life ain’t Mormon. The mention of quiet life worshipping Jesus over pancakes won’t wash. In any household in Mormontown there are five and at least a half kids who have made any thoughts of Jesus a moot point. Too much chaos, noise and making each child feel ‘special’ to think of Him. In a reverent way in any case. The appearance of a skank in fur boots and the merest hint of cloth covering stuff so the censors don’t prohibit the video from being made at all, would only support the notion that in many Mo’ households, Satan appears regularly. Particularly when Mama has had a long day and Dad has escaped to go earn the family bread. If Mama isn’t entertaining thoughts of mass murder about her offspring, she’s due for sainthood on the other side. And don’t whacked out dames with a lot of young children in vans commit this kind of horror only live in New Jersey? I know I’d want to kill myself. I won’t go view the video, thanks to the warning signs liberally posted by your other commenters. One more overpaid idiot in the media limelight is more than I could stand…. *snicker*
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Well, I really didn’t intend to make any commentary specific to Mormons (I just liked how the phrase “Mormon Tabernacle Condo” was a fun play on words), but it did at least inadvertently open the door on another one of your colorful explanations of “how things work”. I don’t think I have the right kind of personality for a bustling Mormon household; it sounds like far too much activity and noise for me.) And you are right in avoiding the video, although watching it does make a few of the jokes more satisfying. I actually like a few of Kesha’s songs, but I don’t care for the image (especially the visual aspect) that she is instilling in young people…
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But I can still jam out to this song while running….right?
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Yes, jam away. Just not in cowboy boots and little else. 😉
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Awe darn!! Lol
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“I’ve already got beer and I’m already here.” This would be the bad credit and possibly a trip to the clinic version of “Betty’s got a bass boat, Betty’s got a truck, All of a sudden things are looking up.” The Sixties and Seventies version would have gone “I’ve got a bong and a clean place to sit and you’re already here.” Verse two would have had Doritos in it somewhere.
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Plaid Doritos. With a hint of patchouli. And somebody, somewhere, is watching “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman”…
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I once spent a week in a trailer outside of Arkadelphia in the winter of 1976, mostly alone, with a black and white tv and a grocery bag of dried spinach promoted as something else but wasn’t and Mary Tyler Moore and That Girl re runs…and Doritos. And maybe some baloney. And hockey puck white bread. No Betty. No bass boat!
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I was innocent of this song as well, but foolishly watched the video. As I listened, I could see how many would enjoy the song and be clueless to the lyrics.
For a better song and video showing the dangers of overindulging, I suggest Panic at the Disco’s “Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time.” Even has a bit of an Alien moment. Plus, Brendon Urie is a dream.
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I am all over this challenge, with gusto. (Let’s see if I still remember this challenge tomorrow morning…)
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lol! This is great!!!!!
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Thanks, Beauty!
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Oh, it is time for some self study…I had no idea I had to give up self-absorption at 30!
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Well, you don’t have to completely give it up. You can still have lunch with it and go on annual vacations together… 😉
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Yes. Thank you!
Am. Az. Ing POST!
You’re spot on. I don’t even know what to constructively add in this comment.
If you have any time or inclination, I wrote a post called Feminism is a Lie – and I didn’t even think to reference this insipid excuse for female (sluttery ) empowerment. But I refer to this exact type of vid.
Anyway. Just fab.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it! And now I’m off to poke around on your site and find that intriguing post…
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Nice 😊 If you think it’s s**, pretend you didn’t read it!😂
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“a Sleestak from “The Land of the Lost”
Now I’m stuck with a forty-year-old memory running through my brain. And this video.
Gee, thanks. 😄
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I’m just trying to keep our brains fresh and youthful… 😉
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