10 Reasons Why

Breaking News: Fall Program Lineup on CowNowTV!

Dear Viewers,

  I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am about the upcoming new shows on our glorious network. We have worked very hard to ensure that all bovine orientations have been represented, despite the threatened boycotts by right-wing organizations such as Focus on the Cows and Fred Phelps’ Sue the Cows Who Stray From God’s Herd. I’m sure you will laugh in udder delight at the merriment presented by our livestock-based series. Grab a butter churn and program your DVR’s!

Sincerely,

Elsie Dakow

Executive VP of Shadows and Fog

CowTV

 

1. Keeping Up with the Cow-Dashians”

Mayhem ensues as the offspring of a money-loving Holstein and a former Olympic Decowthlete (who apparently hit his head somewhere along the line) race about and spew meaningless dialogue that no one would care about if the spewers weren’t pretty. We plan on several incidents of silicone malfunction, and a three-episode arc wherein none of the “cast” members are certain who the Baby Daddy might be.

You don’t want to miss the mirth-filled mid-season episodes where there is confusion about the proper height of stilettos, nor the heart-wrenching encounter the clueless girls have with an angry mob of bitter lesbians who have had enough of the hair-flipping. We don’t want to reveal TOO much, but by the end of the season, there will be a startling, possibly incestuous, revelation that will make Daddy’s oddly-plastic face actually show an emotion.

2. “American Cowdol”

Granted, we know we have a tough sell with this one, what with all the judges either being fired or opting not to return. (Well, except for Red Angus Jackson, who somehow manages to retain his current position, despite his shout-outs to the mysterious “Yo Dawg”, which has nothing to do with cows or musical ability. And that ill-defined creature he often references known as “Kinda Pitchy”. Who is THAT?)

Anyway, we’re sure you’ll want to join us for our stellar lineup of guest mentors. You will jump with joy at seeing brief, pointless visitations from Natalie Imooglia, Aeroherd, The Rolling Udders, will.i.cow, the Black-Eyed Heifers, Cow$ha, Lady Cowga, and Hall and Oats. Make sure your cell-phone payments are in order, because we don’t want pesky billing issues during the important nation-wide voting where pre-teens vote 7,000,000 times for Sancowya, who can’t sing worth a damn but has pretty hair extensions.

3. “Big Brudder”

Once again, we have a baker’s dozen of supposedly unrelated cows locked up in a barn, fighting to win Head of Stall and vote one another out to pasture. Watch in amazement as the clueless cows bicker over the misperceived actions of others and then engage in naughty cowmances with animals they would never even consider dating in the real world. As always, the festivities will be hosted by Moolie Chen, back to prove once more that you really can only have one facial expression yet still get your own TV show.

4. “Moo Blood”

Vampire cows. Need we say more?

5. “CSI : Old MacDonald’s Farm”

Join us as we search the barnyard and neighboring farms for clues to a string of brutal cowicides during the Harvest Festival. No one is safe as the “Zoodiac Killer” stalks innocent Daisies and Brownies as they just want to chew their cud under the apple tree. Featuring guest-star stints from all the actors who have left the other CSI shows during contractual disputes.

6. “Twin Teats”

In a quirky little village vaguely located in the Pacific Northwest, someone has killed the reigning Butter Queen, and it’s up to out-of-towner Kyle McAngus to find out what’s really going on. He eats lots of pie and spends time talking to the strange citizens, all of whom seem to have something to hide, probably in one of their four stomachs. Just when you think you have things all figured out, David DuCowvney will show up in bovine drag and sour your cream.

7. “24 Cows”

A counter-terrorism unit is given the unenviable task of stopping an evil villainess, played by Sally Struthers, as she tries to destroy local cornfields. The squad is led by heroic Jack Cower, who is afraid of nothing, calmly subjecting himself to vicious methane gases coming from the compost heap. But the real brains of the outfit is his trusted assistant, Chloe O’Cowan, who uses her snappy banter and technical prowess to decipher secret access codes for grain silos, and she can hack into the power grid to re-route duck traffic when third-world billy goats hide bombs in the clover.

8. “The Laughing Cow”

This pre-teen educational program is designed for our younger viewers who like to sing, dance and eat cheese. Structured activities include learning where milk comes from, a cow-pie bakeoff, and sing-alongs with furry critters that have been carefully drugged to avoid lawsuits. Be sure to sign the kiddos up for our related book club, “Cowboys and Cowbelles”, where this week’s featured selection is “The Amazing Adventures of Bitsy Moo-Moo and Her Sexually-Ambiguous Friend Terry”. Membership kits include faux leather cowboy boots for the youngsters and faux leather g-strings for their parents.

9. “Brown’s Anatomy”

Set in a veterinarian hospital, this high-gloss soap opera follows several budding anesthesiologists as they try to balance a demanding career with busy private lives where no one can make up their minds about who they want to sleep with. The soundtrack is crammed with songs from obscure bands, so that you will think every scene is more touching than it really is. And if the plot starts to get a bit boring, don’t worry. The writers will just kill off one of the characters and totally change things around.

10. The Big Bovine Theory

Knock three times on this instant classic about two guys who live in a state without same-sex marriage and must therefore pretend that they like women for social-standing purposes. To obscure things, we throw in lots of scientific jargon that doesn’t really mean anything if you think about it, awkward situations that only geeky people would find themselves in, and continual references to things that Joss Whedon either wrote, created or had cancelled. If you ever find yourself bored, we conveniently hired an actress that you can stare at and go “hey, wasn’t she on the last season of ‘Charmed’?”

Enjoy!

 

Originally cow-prodded in “The Sound and the Fury” on 10/12/10. Minimally revised and rebranded for this post. And yes, I realize the Bruce Jenner references read a bit odd now that we know more, but such things can happen when you release the same cow into a different pasture…

 

20 replies »

  1. I’m all mooed out. “Twin Teats” is possibly my favourite (only because it is the only show I have actually watched). I especially liked the comment about 4 stomachs? Imagine how much pie you could eat?!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. And the intermission is funded by those same giddy, non-lactose intolerant folk who bring you “Happy Cow”. These commercial ads koff koff – blatant sales pitches for weird round cheese – koff koff feature Bossy (in name and nature) the Cow, horning in on such mundane things as slumber parties (who let the cows out .. oo oo ), coffee klatches (with only the BEST cream dear), and graduation ceremonies, where she climbs to the podium and sobs out how she gave her best years to an ungrateful generation of meat eaters. All while wearing huge ugly earrings made to look like the product being hawked. You’ll find yourself craving the cheese, which tastes oddly bland, in spite of teat-alizing flavors such as “garlic herb” and “asiago spritz”. And Ka-ching ka ching ka ching-a-ling goes the cash registers and the American Economy is saved once again by a product that nobody understands.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Embeecee, You sound like the perfect candidate for a position we have open in the promotions and decency department. Please contact our office to arrange for an interview. Sincerely, Elsie.

      Like

  3. “A cow-pie bakeoff.” God, that one is begging to stand alone. As a one-liner quip or a short story. Sold. You can bill me.

    You left one, or more, on the table with Brown’s Anatomy and “back-side” story themed episodic screenwriting designed to entertain weekly forever and go nowhere, the relationships in turmoil version of “Law and Order.” The Indy band reference, which may or may not include Dweezil Zappa and his girlfriend or Zooey Deschanel on mandolin as members is priceless. The CBS two-fer, melodrama capped by introspective music video. This should be good for at least seven seasons. Bring on the enemas, I mean colostomies, er, I mean, uh…Udder implants.

    How do you get dragon milk? From a short legged cow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I always leave a few things on the table, as I sometimes have the attention span of a gnat. Regardless, our network is looking for a few good men who can flesh out our musical stock catalog so we don’t have to concentrate so much on the stories. (Writers are SO much more expensive that musicians.) Interested in creating some aural diversionary tactics?

      Like

  4. We can find some Americana MIDI files, the four chords of Rock n Roll ones, and change the whiny lyrics to suit. I trashed all my mandolin samples but I have a hard drive full of acoustic guitar and syrupy strings left over from the ballad slop that ate the Eighties. And the New Age ambient zero beat that goes on forever. Or we can just assemble some tunes from loops and a kick drum the size of Miami and mumble over the top. – Edit. I just had to hit backspace on some song lyrics. Oh. My. God.

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