10 Reasons Why

30 Signs That Your Significant Other Is Clearly Trying to Drive You Insane

  Note: Change the pronouns around however you like to fit the dynamics of your own relationship. This is an equal-opportunity whine-fest, and all variations of love are fully embraced here at Bonnywood Manor.

1. He changes the car radio right in the middle of a song that you really, really like. (“I can’t stand that song,” he mutters, apparently forgetting that you danced to this very song at your wedding. Twice.)

2. She stares at the restaurant menu for 37 minutes and still cannot find anything that remotely interests her. Yet she wanted to go to this place. (“Madge says they have the best seafood here,” she had chirped in the car on the way over, apparently forgetting that Madge was convicted of fraud in the 90s. Twice.)

3. He doesn’t understand that inviting his friends over for dinner at the very last minute might be an issue in any way. (“Can’t you just kill another chicken?” he asks, wrongly assuming that humor will defuse the tense situation. It does not. But it does give you an idea of what else might be served for dinner.)

4. She makes fun of the fact that you can’t parallel park. (“Honey, the dog could do a better job. Hop out and I’ll scooch over.”)

5. He eats the last yogurt in the fridge that you picked out and leaves the crappy one that he chose. (“They all really taste the same, don’t they?” No. No, they do not. Never speak such blasphemy again.)

6. She insists on going down every single aisle in the grocery store. (And she insists on sniffing every single candle in the home décor aisle, even the candles that you know damn well she sniffed last week. They still have her nose-print in the dust on top of them.)

7. He doesn’t have a plan in the grocery store, and he runs from one end of the store to the other at least 26 times. (On his fourth jaunt down the dog-food aisle, a bell rings and there is a brief ceremony wherein the store manager hands him a frequent-flier award.)

8. She thinks it’s okay to answer her phone right in the middle of the Immunity Challenge on “Survivor”. (“Oh, hey girl!… No, we’re not doing anything… Joe is watching some beach sport thing… Say, honey, could you turn the sound down a little bit? This is an important call. Thanks!…. So, girl, tell me more about these sandals you just got… uh huh… really?…”)

9. He lunges to close a window on his computer screen every time you walk into the home office.

10. She starts any conversation with the phrase “I was talking to Mom the other day…”

11. He starts any conversation with the phrase “Why are you dressed up like we’re going somewhere?”

12. She abruptly ends a conversation by saying “whatever you think is best” and then leaving the room.

13. He makes that soul-killing sucking noise trying to get food out of his teeth. It takes all of your strength to not whip out the shop-vac and shove it in his mouth.

14. She sneezes like somebody stepped on an anemic mouse.

15. He sneezes like an elephant getting a rectal probe, and then he insists on following it up by hollering “DAMN!” like he has no idea what just happened to him.

16. She lets the alarm clock on her side of the bed blink for two days after a power failure.

17. He hits the snooze button on his alarm clock for two solid hours. Nations have gone to war for lesser violations.

18. She can apparently go through an entire roll of toilet paper in one afternoon. If you need to do that much damage control in your nethers, you need to seek medical attention.

19. He apparently doesn’t comprehend that when the toilet paper roll is empty one should take corrective action about the situation. A new roll does not magically appear when you flush.

20. She thinks it’s okay to flip her hair like that when talking to a complete stranger at the local bar, laughing too loudly and standing a little too closely. (This situation is heightened if a certain Bonnie Raitt song kicks off on the jukebox.)

21. He thinks it’s okay to supposedly go to the bathroom at the local bar and not come back for thirty minutes, with two buttons missing on his shirt and sheen of sweat on his forehead. (This situation is heightened if a certain Joan Jett song kicks off on the jukebox.)

22. She doesn’t understand that clicking “Like!” on anything that a former lover does on Facebook could indicate possible remorse about her current relationship.

23. He doesn’t understand that the mere act of befriending a former lover on Facebook makes him a possibly-cheating bastard.

24. She thinks nothing of wrapping herself in an afghan-cocoon on her side of the bed and thereby dimming the prospects for lusty endeavors. By the time you get the emotional corn husk off that tamale, you’ll be too worn out for any amorous shenanigans. She never used to be this way, back before she started taking spin classes at that Women’s Center across town. Hmm.

25. He thinks nothing of falling asleep on the couch while watching “Fraiser” even though you have been slinking around for the last hour in a tightly-winched but flimsy outfit that highlights all your body parts that he previously worshipped. Back before he started working late all the time. Hmm.

26. She has possibly contacted a lawyer who has an advertisement which proclaims: “We will get you every penny that you deserve!”. (Well, at least according to the newspaper she left on her desk, open to the want ads page. The ad isn’t circled, but it’s open to that page.)

27. He has possibly contacted a murky dude named “Guido” who has a tattoo proclaiming “I make things go away.” (Well, at least according to that photo you saw on Instagram with someone that may or may not be Joe standing next to illustrated Guido, clinking beer bottles and smirking knowingly.)

28. She invites her mother to come live with them.

29. He invites his mother to come live with them.

30. Both mothers, having learned a bit more, instead opt to rent the house across the street, shove chairs up to the front window, get comfortable with some snacks and a glass of wine, and watch this drama play out in real time. Hell, they’ve already been through all this mess. It’s time to relax and let the kids finally realize that, at the end of the day it’s all just water under a bridge that they’re building together…

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 05/23/12. Revised and updated with extra flair for this post. No actual relationships were harmed during the making of this post, although it should be noted that alternative options were briefly considered.

 

41 replies »

  1. Ummm… were you that fly on our home wall? Every point except 10 (mom died when I was 13), and 14 and 15, which are clearly my better half’s domain (he once set off the car alarm sneezing), describes me in my marriage. Ummmm… do you think my husband needs an award or something? Or maybe they are compensated by 14 and 15

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I wasn’t that actual fly, but I do have a number of well-paid informants strategically placed around the planet. As for the award possibility, I think there might be some stiff competition for that prize… 😉

      Like

  2. Been building that bridge for 44 years. Jeez. Some things used to matter so much! We seem to have figured out how to avoid all the buttons that set the other off. It’s pretty quiet around here. But god help me if he dies and leaves me to figure out the sixteen remotes and all the codes just to watch a little TV.

    Liked by 2 people

    • OMG, it’s like we’re twins! I told my husband if anything ever happens to him, I’ll go live in the woods. It’d be easier than trying to turn on the TV or figure out how he wired our computer room.
      Just so you know, I’m known as the computer whiz at work. That should tell you how complicated our home is!

      Liked by 2 people

    • Apparently it’s an unwritten law that only one person in a relationship is allowed to be the Networking Shaman. I spent decades in the telecom industry, yet I cannot decipher the convolutions of our own network. (A small, bitter part of me thinks my partner does this on purpose, some psychological exhibition of control. The reality is most likely that I have simply paid no attention when he explains the intricacies to me.) In any case, suffice it to say that when my partner is out of town, I catch up on a lot of reading… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  3. My S.O. is departed, so he has no say in whatever I say about him now. Nyah. How about this violation of the sacred vows you took together? He is flatulent. Weapons grade. How he kept this a secret during your pre-marriage is a mystery. Now, however, ring on finger, having secured the allegiance of the unsuspecting spouse, he finds this gas business hilarious. And will, on every occasion available, smirk and ask you to pull his finger. Yeah. Uh..

    Liked by 2 people

    • I may have to do a follow-up on this post, as I now realize I left out a big chunk of important issues. But since you’ve brought up bodily functions, I’ll just say that “someone I know” thinks it’s perfectly okay to let loose with thunderous belches no matter where this person might be. There is no subsequent shame or apology to all offended, just deafening decimation…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hubby would do that, he’d belch a tune though. And when I started copying him, THEN he got sensitive and began to tell me not to do it. Although, due to the Ladies Secret Code of Conduct…it was NEVER in polite company. You may wonder why women disappear to the “ladies room” so often and for so long? Among the reasons is that we’re deflating in there. Lest we blow apart and ruin the festivities….

        Liked by 2 people

  4. 12. Translated means “I don’t care what’s happening to your career/life/hemorrhoids/back/lawnmower/automobile et al.
    31. Starts a sentence with (and I’ve used this one before) “Well, long story short…”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course, the worst thing you can do in #12 is respond with “don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you”. There are so many more I could add, but I’ll just do this one: #32. He calls you while you’re still at work and wants to know what’s for dinner, yet he’s already at the house. Somebody besides the person who answered this call better figuring out that dinner angle…

      Liked by 2 people

      • I married a home ec dropout with the domestic skill set of a fire hydrant. My house has been dark and my pots cold for almost forty years. Early on I complained and it was pointed out to me that men and housework was the path to Zen mastery. Particularly as it concerns laundry, vacuum cleaners and food. I quit ironing when I discovered creases from the cleaners would last over a week.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh yes – I know #32. My variations is ..he calls you at work when you’re frantically busy trying to save lives to ask you to pick up some milk on the way home because it’s run out and he hasn’t been able to have his daily quota of coffee. Never mind that he’s been at home all day with nothing to do except nip up to the corner shop, which he could have done in the time it took to call you!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I laughed nearly the entire time. Out of out loud too. I can’t even pick my favorite one they’re all great. And the best thing? I don’t even see myself in this anywhere! Yay!
    Although I have no significant other and that might be why lol

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m visiting via Diana at Myths of the Mirror. This post is laugh out loud funny. You actually had me in tears at #15. I thought elephant sneezes were just a quirk of this household. Apparently I stand corrected 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. He has possibly contacted a murky dude named “Guido” who has a tattoo proclaiming “I make things go away.”

    You think that is bad? How about when Guido gets you and your spouse into a bidding war?

    Liked by 1 person

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