Farley, left: “I can’t stop smiling when I look at you.”
Robert, right: “Wait, that line isn’t in the script.”
Farley: “Nor is my attraction to you.”
Robert: “Really? Well, we just took a turn I wasn’t expecting.”
Farley: “Oh, please. You’re the one that ordered the 120-proof bottle of liquor over there.”
Robert: “I didn’t order… it’s just a prop, Farley. Besides, I thought you were dating Shelley Winters.”
Farley: “Who hasn’t dated Shelley Winters? That’s just the Hollywood publicity routine and I had to serve my time. Personally, I just spin the wheel. Today it landed on you.”
Robert: “You realize that my landing pad only accepts a certain anatomy, right?”
Farley: “Oh, please. I went to an all-boys academy. Things have a way of landing in all kinds of interesting places. Especially when it was raining and we couldn’t work out our aggression on the polo field.”
Robert: “I’m feeling rather uncomfortable with the direction of this dialogue. Shouldn’t Alfred be hollering ‘cut’ right about now?”
Alfred Hitchcock, offscreen and not uncomfortable: “Are you kidding? This is gold and I can’t wait to see where it’s going. Of course, the censors will cut this scene because it’s 1951 and most people are still unenlightened, but it will make for a great extra when they release the Collector’s Edition DVD in forty years. Keep calm and carry on, as the citizens in the country I willfully abandoned would say.”
Farley: “See? Our foreplay has been sanctioned by a man who will eventually kill off a major star in the first third of one of his future movies. I don’t think our love can get any more validation than that.”
Robert: “We don’t have a love, Farley. I don’t understand why you don’t understand that the willful malfeasance on the part of the blogger who is sledge-hammering this post does not grasp the fact that I have no desire to see what’s at the end of the rainbow, Judy.”
Shelley Winters, who is not Judy Garland and therefore doesn’t satisfy the implied cultural reference just introduced but should still should have some say because she was essentially decreed a tramp mere paragraphs ago, waltzes into the scene: “Well, I would like to know where the rainbow ends.” She glares at Farley. “I invested at least five minutes of my life dating you. So, tell me, was it me or was it you who is responsible for our tragic separation?”
Farley: “Are you sure you have the right pharmacist? Because the only thing we had in common was the desire to get our names above the title in our next movie.”
Shelley, having an epiphany: “Oh, that’s right. My bad. I sometimes forget why I sleep with anything that has a pulse in Hollywood. Carry on, and let me know where I can send your sleep-over toothbrush. I need the room in my medicine cabinet.” She twirls and marches out the door to… oh, nobody really cares.
Robert: “Should I be concerned that she’s coming after me next?”
Farley: “Yes. You should tremble in fear. And I should hold you while you do that.”
Alfred: “And cut!”
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
OK, you DO realise that you write like the writers of Archer, don’t you?
That is a HA-YOOJ compliment.
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I would love to be known as an Archer writer. (And I’d really love to know what their paychecks look like.) Thank you!
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Probably full of zeros I imagine
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I hope they will preserve your brain in a glass jar when you quit to understand the wiring (it’s a compliment btw, despite how it sounds).
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I think the biggest surprise the scientists will find is that there’s nothing to examine… 😉
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This is one of those times when your post makes me feel like I’ve just been on a runaway horse or, in this case, a runaway train. Scares the wits out of me and love every second.
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Runaway trains are so much more exciting than the trains that block traffic and make you late for work…
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Say what?
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Hollywood is crammed full of secrets. It’s just poking in the dusty corners with a flashlight…
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Of course Hitch loved the off-piste developments… he was the ultimate voyeur 😉 I did too incidentally though of course my interest was purely literary 😇
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I never doubted for a moment what your true academic intentions might be… 😉
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Wait. Shelley Winters got busy? A LOT? Uh…that visual is tearing at the fabric of existence as I know it. ‘Course I only ever knew of her in movies like Titanic, where lots of jokes about beached whales were made…
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Yeah, that bit came as a shock to me as well. I’m not sure I will ever recover.
Thanks a lot, Brian.
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Shelley was once quite the looker and she had a string of paramours. I present to the court Exhibits A and B:
https://i2.wp.com/lageose.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/shelley-1.jpg?ssl=1&w=450
https://i1.wp.com/lageose.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/shelley-2.jpg?ssl=1&w=450
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Wow. Pointy breasts and all!
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“Are you sure you have the right pharmacist?” Sold. That’s almost a song title. In fact…
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See, you got me to wondering if I was somehow plagiarizing, so I googled “are you sure you have the right pharmacist song”, but this proved to be a bust. (Although I did manage to find a video parody of an Adele song, which was mildly amusing.) So, do you know something I don’t, or are you hinting that you’re about to do something yourself. Either way, I’m a bit nervous… 😉
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I only steal things I can use, that haven’t been used before. Watch your silverware.
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Hollywood is full of dirty little secrets. Well, it is now too, but much more so then. And the secrets weremuch more fun then. Oh the days before tweets and facebook!
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You’re exactly right. The secrets were so much more enjoyable before social media and 24×7 “news” coverage. Learning a secret was more shocking and titillating because you didn’t already know everybody’s business…
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