Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #408

Terry paused, fully aware of which bathroom was more self-identifying, but trying to remember what state this was and whether or not there were any insipid rules created by local politicians who couldn’t care less about some of their constituents.

Suddenly, Dolly Parton came trotting up, leaving a trail of sequins behind her. “Hey, girl. You look a little bit blue. Can I sing you a song to make you feel better? I’ve written a couple thousand of ‘em, so I’m sure I got one in my satchel that will help you find your smile.”

Terry: “Hey, Dolly. I’d love a personal concert, but right now I got a little bladder pressure going on and… well, I don’t know if there might be a ruckus based on which door I pick.”

Dolly: “Say no more. I know all about this mess, with some folks not understandin’ that other folks might not be comfortable with the cards they were dealt. Shoot, I don’t think there’s anything left on my body that I ain’t changed up a bit. Now you run on and go where you need to go and I’ll stay right here and make sure nobody messes with your business.”

Terry: “You are so kind, Dolly. And for the record, I think your version of ‘I Will Always Love You’ is much better than Whitney’s.”

Dolly: “Oh, I don’t care who sings my songs as long as I get the royalties. Now scoot!”

Terry entered one of the doors.

Suddenly, RuPaul came trotting up, leaving a trail of promotional flyers for the next season of “Drag Race” behind him. “Hey, Dolly. I hear you’ve been nominated for another 16 Country Music Awards this year.”

Dolly: “Hey, girl. Have I? I don’t really pay much attention to that. It’s nice and all, and I do appreciate it, but I’m not in this business for trophies. I’m in it because sometimes your words can reach the right person at the right time. Somebody told me the words I needed to hear back in the Smoky Mountains, and I’m just tryin’ to pay it back.”

RuPaul: “You are such a fountain of wisdom.”

Dolly: “Honey, that might just be a silicone rupture. This happens all the time. You probably oughta step back before your mascara gets ruined.”

RuPaul: “I’m not scared of makeup malfunctions. That’s what my TV show is all about. Now really, why are you here and not in the VIP room?”

Dolly: “I’m just lookin’ out for somebody that is misunderstood. Something that all decent people should do.”

RuPaul: “Say no more. I’m in.”

Suddenly, Ellen DeGeneres came trotting up, leaving a trail of Emmy Awards behind her. “Hey, girls! Did I miss an e-vite? Why are we all standing outside some bathrooms? I might be able to make this a segment on my show.”

Dolly: “I think we’re all here because the writer is desperate to make a point, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy to see you. How’s Portia?”

Ellen: “She’s swell, as always. But what is the writer trying to prove?”

RuPaul: “I think the answer is heading our way, leaving a trail of bigotry and intolerance behind him.”

Terry, exiting the chosen facility: “Is that the governor of Texas over there?”

Ellen: “The one who called a special session of the state legislature just to pass another ridiculous Bathroom Bill?”

RuPaul: “The one and the same. Apparently, he didn’t learn a thing with what happened in North Carolina.”

Terry: “The bigots never learn.”

Dolly: “Oh, yes they can. Well, some of them can at least learn to keep their mouths shut when their foolishness runs against the will of the people. In the spirit of those long-ago words in the Smoky Mountains, we should all have the right to be who we wish to be. Let’s join arms, girls.”

And the writer left the room, leaving a trail of hope behind him.


24 replies »

  1. And IIIIIIIIIIeeIIIIIII will always love you …. the fair winds of decency and acceptance will eventually turn to a mass of foul farts in the general direction the bigots who persist in trying to enforce ignorance. I know this to be true. I have special powers (and spirits). In the meantime, I am glad your pen is sharpened and I will be sharing this one on FaceBook when this country wakes up this evening.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. And about that bathroom thing. I went tinkle with a gaggle of gay guys in the “proper” hardware facility at “Finding Neverland.” And, being always impromptu and without taste, I made a joke about how the whole scene was funny because of who, and what, and where and the name of the show and what if any of had just wandered into the ladies room because they had softer paper towels and we were all friends telling stories about where we got our shirts and how stupid it was worrying about who peed where and what grade of government worker was going to get the genitalia monitoring gig. That sentence qualifies for the Charles Dickens award, I think. Love who love, potty where you potty. Even in Texas.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Suddenly, Tinkerbeau flew overhead, announcing that Peter Pan, Paul and Mary were taking the stage. They did a rousing rendition of “Bungle in the Jungle”, with the impromptu audience/band members contributing to the percussion by flushing all the urinals in a rhythmic manner. It was moving and beautiful. And then the lighters came out…


  3. Well Dolly DID do it better than Whitney, wayyyy better. And IMHO her movie was better than Whitney’s and all…and that has nothing to do with the erudite and savvy post you coined today. We Shall Overcome indeed!! I mean common sense HAS to win, doesn’t it?

    Seriously I remember when this whole OMG!! There’s a “MAN” in my female potty room business reared it’s ugly head (no pun intended). I wondered at the time how the idiot screaming about it knew there was an anatomically correct male in the house and what did that say about the whistle blower besides the fact that they were a pervert of world class? Because the ladies has stalls with functional doors (even if you do have to shove your foot against some of them to keep ’em closed. And secondly why did it matter? Having to pee is a serious thing, and to me any port in a storm is the rule. Unless whomever is having the gender related fit wants a dry cleaning bill from me and some carpet cleaners visiting THEM and gossiping about what went on behind their hands and such. I’ve peed in the men’s room in a emergency situation and all I thought at the time was damn. It’s SMELLS WEIRD in here… So to ME? People should keep their opinions out of the bathroom. It doesn’t matter what you’re gifted with in the output arena, the compassion and idea of minding one’s own business should be of bigger concern.

    I have relatives who were spouting that garbage about what they’d do if they found a man in the bathroom with their daughters or wives, and I asked them how the HELL would you know? Are you going to do a full body search of anyone wanting to go in there if your loved ones are in there? Me? I’d punch you in the throat if you grabbed my crotch to find out what I had for business. Maybe grab YOURS and twist it. That shut up my relatives on the topic, but they’ve given me weird looks ever since…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love how you keep it real. Just go right to the important stuff and flesh it all out, so to speak. And since I have some relatives who still can’t shut up about it, despite everything else going on in the world of far greater importance, I will be inscribing your fine words on yet another protest t-shirt for the next family reunion. It will make for some very fine print, of course, so it might take a while for them to fully review, but I’ve got some time on my hands now and I’m more than happy to trot back and forth on that runway until they get the whole message. But I’m not bitter… 😉


  4. I always loved Dolly. Do you remember the opening to her show where she was on a swing and singing Love is Like a Butterfly? Imagine me as a little girl watching and singing along with her in full voice and probably off key. I thought she was as gorgeous as she was kind.
    On to less pleasant things: Why, why, WHY, is there such a thing as bathroom politics?! Is there no limit to how stupid and small-minded people can be?
    No? Oh. Well, I guess that explains it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! I do remember Dolly in the swing. I found it quite fetching. But then this would be counterbalanced by the outrageously-flamboyant outfits that the country singers would wear. Nothing against their couture choices (you GO, girl) but if they can dress like that, why did so many of them have a problem with The Gays? It was troubling, but I still sang along with Dolly.

      And the bathroom politics? So over it. Feed the hungry, help the poor, stop the wars, heal the sick, take care of our elders, love thy neighbor. So many more important things. I sigheth…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Perfect post for these times. I wish it were not. Actually, what i wish is that (some) people would educate themselves and become kind and tolerant. Every say i wake up and wonder how it’s possible that the oeange bigot and his cronies are still where they are….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Do you know what I think is crazy about the bathroom bills? No one has ever said anything to me. I am a wheelchair user and I sometimes need my husband’s help if I don’t have an assistant with me. We go in the men’s or women’s and everyone just accepts the fact that we just want to do our business and not bother anyone else. Our son is severely autistic and needs someone to go with him to the potty. Sometimes we get strange looks in the women’s room, but once they notice that he has special needs it’s fine. As much as the bigots say that it isn’t about LGBT discrimination, it clearly is. Trans people want to do the same thing we all do — pee and move on with our day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly, most folks just want to take care of business and move on. It’s only these people who want to create something out of nothing who have an issue. Some day we are going to get past all of this. Thank you for stopping by Bonnywood and taking the time to share your thoughts!


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